Sweet Tears, and Chaos. Part 2 Chapter 2.

Hi! Sorry it took me so long to get to this part! Could you PM me with each new chapter? I really enjoy your story but I am awful at noticing when new parts have been posted Anyway, on with the review!

“Here open your present,” He said. I was a little scared to see what it was. I was hoping it was something small actually.

The box was small.

I'd maybe add a bit here to show where the box came from as at first she can't see what it was, maybe he was holding it behind his back?

All I was waiting for was a car.

I think the first 'was' should be 'had been' here as now she does have a car

Don’t go too fast when you go to school.

So you are not repeating 'go', maybe 'when you drive to school' would be better.

I had to practice the Romeo and Juliet thing with Jack. I practiced it so I was fine.

I was a bit confused here, are you talking about that she had already practised or are you skipping over the practising now? If you are talking about already having done it, maybe something like 'I had to practice the Romeo and Juliet thing with Jack but I'd already been over it a couple of times so knew it wouldn't be too hard.' and if you are skipping past maybe a little more to make it clearer and show that time has passed like 'I had to practice the Romeo and Juliet thing with Jack and the minutes seemed to crawl by as we recited the same lines over and over. Eventually, we got the hang of it though.'

“Everybody take your seats. Partners with partners come on now.” Our teacher said. We did as we were told and took seats next to our partners.

As you have just said that he told them to take their seats with their partners I'd maybe describe how they did it slightly differently so you are not repeating the action, like 'We did as we were told and joined our partners.'

It was but It didn’t feel that way

'It' should not have a capital 'i' here

He started off with his part, then me. It went like that for the whole class. We weren’t allowed to talk but he sent me a note.

You are talking in rehearsing the play so maybe 'we were not allowed to talk about anything other than what was written on the script' or something like that would make this clearer. When you say 'then me' I think you could extend a bit more, maybe 'then I recited mine' or something like that as on it's own to me it didn't sound right.

his jeans pulled up as far as they were allowed

'they were' allowed didn't seem right to me here, maybe 'the material' or 'the buttons' or something like that to specify

He said and some others in the class agreed.

How did she know they agreed? I'll talk more about this in the overall in general but I think here you could describe how she could tell that they agreed- perhaps nodding their heads or snickering.

As if a guy as popular and cute as him would like me. I wouldn’t change myself over it though.

I’d extend upon the changing herself to connect it more to what you have just said, maybe something about not letting the attention have an effect on her or not changing herself if he wanted her to.

You are gone absolutely scarlet!

I think ‘are’ should be ‘have’ here.

I could think of too many people who would die for her or eat off the ground she walks on just to get her attention. This seemed like such a bizarre question.

As the death is more drastic, I’d maybe swap it round with the eating off of the ground and maybe have ‘even’ before die just to make it seem more dramatic. I’m not sure if ’It’ would work better her than ’This’ as I think ’This’ would mostly work if the question was the last sentence written but here it is not

I tried to let her down gently but she wouldn’t accept.

I’d maybe add ‘it’ after ‘accept’ here.

It was funny actually, she was actually turned down.

I’d maybe change one of the ‘actually’ here so you are not repeating it, maybe ‘funny actually’ could be something like ‘funny really’. I think ‘she was actually’ could be rephrased a bit too, maybe ‘she had actually been turned down’ would read better.

We walked through the park. We just talked and talked for ages.

I’d join these so it is one sentence, for instance ‘We walked through the park, just talking and talking for ages.’ I’ll also add more on this in the overall but I think you could join quite a few sentences through this piece so that the writing flows easier

When your finished school

I think ‘your’ here should be ‘you’re’ as you are saying when you are finished school.

I would not give up on my dreams without a big strongly willed fight. I would debate until I won if something was that important to me.

‘a big strongly willed fight’ sounded kind of odd to me, I think you could re write it a bit. Maybe just ‘without a fight’ as that is a more commonly used phrase and I’d maybe change ‘debate’ to something a bit stronger as it doesn’t really seem that impressive. Perhaps something like ‘I would defend my corner’ or ‘I would not take no for an answer’ or something like that to get across how determined to win she would be.

I bared myself for the answer.

I think ‘braced myself’ might work better here.

I couldn’t bear all those jerks wanting me to be like them. I’m not one of them you have to believe me.

So you are not repeating ‘them’ perhaps you could rephrase the beginning of the second sentence a little, maybe ‘I’m my own person’ or something similar

He got my ice cream and tipped a little on my nose.

I’m not sure if ‘tipped’ is the best word to use here, maybe ‘smudged’ or something like that would work better.

I shrieked and put some of his on his shirt and we were both in hysterics.

I think this might be better written a bit differently so that you don’t have the second and- maybe ‘,both of us in hysterics’.

I felt so blissful when I was with him.

I’m not sure but maybe ‘It felt so blissful’ would be better, just a matter of opinion though

"Sure, me too,". I was scattered I couldn't think straight.

I haven’t really heard the term ‘I was scattered’ before although it could just be me, Maybe ‘my mind was all over the place’ or ‘my mind was buzzing’ or something like that would be better replacements.

I got up from the lime green bench and started to walk back home and I heard him say something behind me.

I think ‘and I heard’ might be better as ‘when I heard’

how can somebody change in that amount of time?

I’d maybe add ‘short’ before ‘amount’ just to show that it has been too quick.

Overall: Aww I loved this part! The kiss scene was so sweet and I think it works much better here

There are a couple of things in general that I would watch out for in your story, one is that there are a few words that you use quite often that I think could be replaced with more descriptive ones. I think this would add more to the scene and also save from repetition The main ones that I found were 'got', 'walked', 'went', 'looked', ’put’ and 'said'. I'd advise scanning back through your work and replacing some where you can to add more detail to your story.

As I have said before and music has pointed out in this part, when you change speaker you need to move onto a new line so I'd also look out for that too. I noticed that some of your sentences might sound better connected so that they flow better (just by adding a word or two in), for instance

I had my drivers test a while back. All I was waiting for was a car.

could be something like 'I had my drivers test a while back so all I had been waiting for was a car.'

I really do enjoy your story but there were quite a few areas that I think you could extend upon, little things like adding more detail to when you say something (for instance 'my hair was curled. It looked kind of cute' saying how it looked cute, did it bounce as she walked or just brush her shoulders? little extra things like that) and also adding more information to actions (like ' We walked through the park.' maybe you could add in what they saw, their actions to one another and things like that). Some more on expressions and little gestures might really help I think

The general plot of your story I think is going great I thought the awkwardness at the end was a nice touch and the kissing part worked very well , I'd maybe add a couple of sentences to build up to it though, maybe about their eyes locking or something like that but it works fine as it is too. I also love the insight you give us to how she feels, she seems like a really great character

Anyway, all my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped!

Hi, Falls! Music here.


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

You had a few issues with your grammar:


Journal entries:

Journal entry. Tuesday 30th, May.
I’m not really sure how but I think I have a friendly date with Jack today. Well, not really a date but just a friendly meeting. Today is my last day of school and for once I’m kind of looking forward to it. The only thing that has me hesitating to go is Hayley. Grr! Anyways I’m off now.
Why not put the journal entry in italics? I think it would work nicely and read better.

Tense changes:

My dad greet[s]s[/s]ed me as I [s]go[/s]went down stairs.
You changed to present tense a couple times throughout the story. Make sure you keep it on past tense!

Dialogue:

“Good morning to you too, Dad[s].[/s],” I said, smiling back at him.
New line here. Always start a new line when a different character starts to talk.“Here, open your present[s].[/s],” [s]H[/s]he said. <---You made this mistake quite often. Take this as an example of correct dialogue grammar and apply it to the rest of your story!

Typo:

“Hey. Nice outfit[s].[/s],” [s]H[/s]he said as if it [s]were[/s]was the most casual thing to say. It was, but [s]It[/s]it didn’t feel that way. <--Watch for those typos!

Continuity:

His blue eyes shined from the light of the window.
[...]
... he got chocolate. The color of his ice cream matched his eyes.
Are his eyes blue or brown? Make sure you don't do this; it throws off the character's description and the reader.

A question:

Are we still on for the park later? x x x x <---Why do you do these little x's? Are they "kisses"?

A tiny grammar mistake:

"Yeah, you look very handsome. No paper scraps on your face?” I got my comeback, and it was good. <--Watch that grammar.

Word issue:

“Okay, I’m just going to come out and say it. . . do you want to go out with . . . me?”
"Ok" isn't a word- OK and okay are words.

Language Usage & Writing Style: I thought that it was pretty good overall, but you need a bit of work on creating the right tone and mood. It seemed a bit constant, lacking in "ups and downs" for me. It should feel more serious while they're discussing their future, more oblivious and less gushy in class, and so on. It kind of felt overall gushy, which I don't think suits your MC too well. Adding in more visual description (especially of body language of your characters) will help show the reader the correct mood you're aiming at. Use the MC's thoughts to your advantage, too.


Imagery & Emotion: As I noted above, I think you could use a bit of work on your imagery. Adding things such as body language, the color of the bench they were in, whether the trees were in season in the park or not, etc., helps to give the reader a better picture of what is going on in the story. Don't go so much overboard that you get into info dumps, darling, but be sure the reader isn't just reading the dialogue.
As for emotion, you did fairly well. Thoughts and dialogue will really help with this department. Make sure the reader would know what feeling is supposed to be coming across so we don't feel emotionless. Make us care.


Characters: I think that Jack seems a bit too perfect. Maybe they go back to school and he decides to be mean to her in front of her friends. She'd feel betrayed, yada yada yada, they discuss (passionately... in other words, argue), you get the point. We need to see that he has some flaws.
Your MC seems very mainstream to me. A cliche character. She's likable, sure, but I need to know what makes her so special. Why should I care about her? I should be able to tell by now.
I'm not saying they need to be trashed, I'm just noting that a few revisions need to be placed in them for them to seem realistic.


Plot & Storyline: I think that if you take the kiss out of the earlier chapters, this would go along quite nicely. I liked it, but maybe take out the "going out." Perhaps they kissed and then left the park awkwardly. Or, you could leave it as is. Either way, I think you have a nice thing going here.


Overall, I'm really enjoying this, darling! Keep revising and writing!


Love,
Music