Sweet Tears, and Chaos. Part 1 Chapter 2.

Hello, darling! Music here.


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

After breakfast[s],[/s] and a shower I [s]leave[/s]left (<--- I noticed you changed tenses a lot in this chapter! Go through and fix that, dear!) to go to the torture chamber. In which ninety nine percent of the students are on below average grades. The other ten percent (<---That doesn't add up, darling!) is the outsiders[s]. W[/s], who actually work.

“Hello.” I say. She looks confused, like I shouldn’t be talking to her. She hesitates before speaking.
Start a new paragraph here. “Hi.” She says shyly.
The mistakes you made in this little bit you tended to repeat over and over in the rest of the chapter. Make sure you stay on tense, start a new paragraph when a different character talks, and punctuate your dialogue correctly! Here's an article on punctuation within dialogue for help.

Around her was Sam, Fred, Eric, and Jack. <---Who are Fred and Eric? Jocks? Nerds? Explain.

As if reading my mind Hayley [s]says[/s][s]:[/s]said, “What are you saying? It was you who said all those things about her in the first place, remember?” She remind[s]s[/s]ed him pathetically. (<---I thought that was a good attempt at description, but it didn't sound quite right. Perhaps pick a new word instead of pathetically that could better show what you're trying to get at.) ”What, now you suddenly act like you care for her? Whatever, Jack.” [s]She finishes at that.[/s] <---Wasn't necessary.

“Callie! Wait up!” [s]He says[/s]he said, out of breath from running [s]to[/s]after me. <---Where are they?

“That sucks. People like us for you ay?” <---Don't quite get what she said.

Language Usage & Writing Style: Alright, Sakura. I thought that this one was okay. One thing that constantly irked me and made me lose my focus was that you changed tenses over and over again. Keep it in the past tense, okay?
Also, I thought that your tone here could use some improving in the later parts. Your MC and Jack are talking about some very serious, deep stuff, but I don't feel like it when I'm reading it. You need to create the proper mood for what you're writing.


Imagery & Emotion: Okay, so adding more of this would help your tone. I thought you did pretty well with imagery in the first half of the story, but when Callie and Jack leave the building, where are they? You lost the reader there.
I didn't see too much emotion this time. While your MC was crying, I didn't really feel anything, you know? Make sure you add in emotion in your MC's thoughts, your characters' dialogue, and your characters' body language- which helps imagery, too.


Characters: So, did the kiss never happen now? If not, I think this is a better way to develop MC and Jack's relationship. I thought that the dialogue between Callie and Jane could be just a bit more realistic, and maybe make one of them shy about talking to the other.
Your characters are just a bit flat for me, darling. Relationships, realistic dialogue, emotion, and proper imagery will help to round them out into real things.


Plot/Storyline: As I mentioned, I thought that adding in a deeper conversation with Callie and Jack was nice. Make sure you keep this rising action going smoothly and reasonably, and keep your reader waiting and anticipating a climax.


Overall, I thought it was pretty good! Revise a bit, fix up that grammar, add in some description, make it a bit more realistic, and you've got a great piece in your hands!


Love,
Music

Hi again! I like how you have continued and the introduction of a new character, things are getting interesting!

Time for my second last day of school.

This doesn't make sense really, do you mean 'second to last day at school'?

I figure I’m secretly their superiors and they just don’t know it yet. That’s how I see it anyway.

I think it might be good to join these two sentences with a dash

After breakfast, and a shower I leave to go to the torture chamber. In which ninety nine percent of the students are on below average grades. The other ten percent is the outsiders. Who actually work. Jack belongs in the other ninety nine percent of idiots.

Sorry but I'm not that keen on these few sentences I noticed quite a few things: I am not great at punctuation but I think the comma should be after 'shower' not 'breakfast'. I don't think 'In which' should be a new sentence, maybe leaving out the full stop would work better. It would be one percent that were outsiders I think 'is the outsiders' should be 'are the outsiders' and 'who actually work' could be joined on to the previous sentence as it doesn't make sense on its own. The last sentence sounds a bit odd too, maybe you could rephrase it to be a bit simpler, something like 'Jack belongs in the majority group.' I think you could say something better than just 'go to the torture chamber', perhaps describing more like 'drag myself to the torture chamber' that way you are emphasising more her unwillingness to go back there All in all, maybe something like this-
'After breakfast and a shower, I leave to drag myself to the torture chamber in which ninety nine percent of the students are on below average grades. The other one percent are the outsiders who actually work. Jack belongs in the majority group.'

I walk in like I do almost every morning.

I think you could say something better than walk here to describe how she enters- something that shows once more how much she detests school would be good like 'shuffle' or 'tramp' or 'trudge' or something like that, I also think it would be better if you specified where 'in' is- like 'the building'.

you will soon learn not to be intimidated by all those bimbos laughing. It might take a while though.” I laughed. She laughed too, I think she is more at ease now.

I'm not sure about the last sentence here, Ii think it would sound better without it or phrasing it a bit differently like 'seeming more at ease'. You could always describe how she seems so- perhaps her smile is warmer and more genuine or she visible relaxes, something to create a better image

Her image was very punk rock. Long dark hair put back in a cool way, with parts coming down in different directions. Her side fringe was long too. I could tell she liked anime from the T – shirt she was wearing. It had a picture of Sasuke from a show I recognized called Naruto. Her skirt was dark green and just above her knees, short enough to look cute. Underneath were black and gray striped leggings. I like her style. Unique.

You switch to past tense here, all 'was' should be 'is' and corrections like that. I think you could say something better than 'put back'- maybe 'tied back' or 'clipped back', when you say parts maybe 'locks' 'chunks' or 'strands' would fit better as 'parts' doesn’t really sound like hair.

“Nice outfit. Naruto fan I see?” She seemed a lot more relaxed now.

I'd either describe how she seemed like this or leave it out as you can kind of tell from the conversation.

Makes sense. People move for that reason all the time.

I don't think you need this, the reader will already know so there isn't much point to mentioning it.

I quite like Jane. She is very genuine from what I can tell.

I don’t think you need this, you can already tell from their conversation that she likes her. If you do keep it I think you could make it more of an interesting observation, for instance ‘I feel myself warming to Jane already, she seems like such a genuine person I can’t help but want to be her friend.’ That way it seems more personal and also adds a little bit of suspicion as to whether she really is genuine

“Yeah, you won’t be able to get rid of me.” We both laugh. “Bye.” We both say goodbye and went to class.

You have already said that they say bye so I wouldn’t repeat it saying ‘we both say goodbye’ afterwards. Perhaps instead you could talk about them walking off in opposite directions to their own lesson? I don’t really like the use of ‘went’, its reverting back to the past tense again too so maybe ‘leave to go to class’ or something like that.

Math class was a drag. Nothing interesting happened really. Oh, some dude with a hangover vomited if that counts, same for the two classes after that, then came lunch.

Does the guy with a hangover vomit in the two lessons afterwards as well? Or are you referring to nothing interesting happening? If you are talking about just nothing happening, maybe you could put a full stop after ‘counts’ and say something about the boredom being the same for the two classes afterwards

I was going to get rid of my books into my locker, when some random person bumped right into be and sent me flying on the ground.

‘be’ I think should be ‘me’ and I’d maybe have ‘on the ground’ as ‘to the ground’. I’m not sure about ‘get rid of my books’ as it didn’t sound right to me, maybe just ’deposit’ or something like that.

She is one of those girls who get a kick out of belittling people.

‘get’ should be ‘gets’ I think

Of course Hayley didn’t care when she picked it up and said something mean.
“Well if it isn’t a picture of the witches mother herself. Aw looks just like you doesn’t she?” I could feel my own blood boil from anger.

I don’t think you should say what she did before she did it, I’d maybe just have something about her not caring and picking up the necklace then have what she says.

Sam was laughing but the rest looked at her in disgust.

Instead of ‘the rest’ maybe ‘the others’ would read better? Or you could be more specific and say who it is as ‘the rest’ doesn’t sound to me like you are referring to people.

She reminds him pathetically.”What now you suddenly act like you care for her? Whatever Jack.” She finishes at that.

I wouldn’t have ‘pathetically’ here as it is the main characters perspective but sounds as if you are describing the way she talks. Instead maybe a word that shows how she is saying what she did would be better or just leaving it as ‘she reminds him.’ I don’t think you need ‘She finishes at that’ on the end, I’d either change it a it to show how she finishes- giving new information, or just take it out. So you could say something about finishing with a smirk so that it gives more of an image or something like that.

My voice is smothered in tears as I speak.

‘smothered in tears’ sounded out of place to me here, maybe ‘choked with tears’?

Hot sweet tears are spilling down my face. “Look at me. Here I am spilling my thoughts to a stranger, kind of anyway.” I laugh and cry at the same time.

Tears aren’t really sweet, they’re more salty I think ‘well’ or something like that before ‘kind of anyway’ would allow the speech to flow smoother too.

What? How could he possibly understand the half of it? I spoke.

I don’t think you need ‘I spoke’ here- I think the sentence may sound better without it.

I hated him. He died in a crash

I’d add ‘car’ before crash, just to specify.

He’s right. He does understand.
“That sucks. People like us for you ay?” We both laugh then. I feel the same thing as the other night. Chemistry. There is something we have in common.

I didn’t really understand ‘People like us for you ay?’, I don’t know if that’s just me though. Instead of talking about something they have in common as you have just mentioned the chemistry maybe ’There is something between us’ would fit in more.

We ended the conversation there and headed back into school.

You switch to past tense again here, by changing ‘ended’ to ‘end’ and ‘headed’ to ‘head’ you can move it back to the present though.

Overall: I'm still really enjoying this, it's not like ordinary romantic story and I like how you are putting off the kissing

I noticed that you repeated a few actions a bit, like laughing which comes up quite a lot. I'd try to vary that a bit more You also still have some speech on the same line which can be kind of confusing. I thought quite a bit you added in comments that weren't really mentioning anything new and could be made a bit more interesting. When giving thoughts from the main characters perspective, if you try to stop them being repetitive then it makes the story more intriguing.

I think you could extend more on her actions, like when she leaves the school talking about how she runs and how she feels. A bit of description on Hayley might help too- she seems like a really horrible person! I think the events that happen are good but maybe by extending them more they would better, when she is in the argument I think it would be good for her to try to argue back as before she seemed like someone who was pretty confident and sure of herself.

I like how things are carrying on and I hope you continue! As always, all my comments are just suggestions and I hope I've helped