Hello! This is the first part of my attempt at novel writing. I don't know if it's long enough to be called a chapter, you tell me? For now, I shall just call this part 1. I hope you enjoy and will very much appreciate comments or reviews. :)
I feel like taking off running. When I look at the sky at night and the stars mix with the airplanes I wonder where they are going. I also wonder why the people on them are going away, do they feel like taking off too? I want to be on one of those airplanes. While looking up at the glittery place in the sky, exhaling my cigarette smoke, I wonder will my breath ever reach up there and mix with the stars and the planes. I dream of it. A piece of me - up there.
I don't know why I crave freedom so much. Maybe I just want to be alone or maybe I just want somebody who I can feel free with, so I don't have to run away. Someone who doesn't just want to use me. Someone who feels the same way when they look up at the sky at night, and maybe thinks about me too. I feel like time is creeping up on me so fast and I want to smash every clock in the whole world. I never want to hear another alarm or see another hand of time move. Why do I never feel at home? Why do I have this unexplainable need to run away some place?
My conscience hasn't stopped screaming at me in weeks, months even. I'm making an entire trail of mistakes. It's kind of like that nightmare I had when I was eleven. I was walking out on this wooden pier leading through the ocean, leading me to danger. But the water was so sparkly and open and free. I saw someone out there, he was older and he had that look on his face that would make any kid run. But I kept walking, getting bolder with each step. Sirens were ringing all around me and invisable illustrative words hung in the air that spelled out "what the hell are you doing?!" I smiled. I kept going. Then I noticed that the boards were burning behind me. There was no going back from whatever it was I was going to do. I knew there was danger ahead, I couldn't explain it. I didn't care. I just wanted the freedom. So this feeling was there since I was a young child. Now, at the age of seventeen, it still haunts me.
I'm also quite a 'tomorrow' person. I prefer to say that than to call myself a procrastinator, you know, denial. Tomorrow will be different, maybe tomorrow I won't say the wrong thing, maybe tomorrow I won't make potentially life-ruining mistakes. Or maybe, just maybe, tomorrow I'll listen to my father's advice. But probably not, because tomorrow will eventually become today. Today I was watching a movie I have been waiting for the release of for over a year. A character said, in these exact words, "I feel like someone is stealing all my air." I freaked out. Not only because they were her exact words, but they were also mine one time not so long ago. That character is me, except unlike Lilly I have moved on from my cutting problem. It's been over two years. It feels good not to bleed and scar, it feels good not to worry when I get dressed about what marks I'm trying to cover today.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey Sakura.
I'm going to agree with John here. The problem with YWS is that your readers really only see one part at a time. You'll want to keep us coming back for more. This just makes us see an angsty teen who used to cut herself.
However, what a fantastic first paragraph you've got! I love it. It's so wistful and just plain awesome.
Be careful with this paragraph. I was dangerously close to rolling my eyes at the angstyness.
Everyone loves a rhetorical question, but you just said you didn't know why you crave freedom, then you spent a paragraph pondering why. There's no reason do ask then.
Surely you don't mean invisible?
...Why would one freak out because they were her exact words?
You don't mention the movie. Don't mention the character.
Alright...
Flawed, challenged characters are good, but don't make them so angsty that they're annoying. There were a few times where I was close to not liking your MC because she was pondering and woe-is-meing so much.
That leads me to my second point. Don't open up with a lot of thinking. The people like ACTION and DRAMA. Open up with that last time she was cutting, the struggle, the want, the shame. Or open with one of these mistakes she talks about. It will pull people in and be great!
That said, wonderful imagery with the burning pier. Very nice. I think you have great potential.
Any questions, just PM me or hit up my wall.
I have a WRFF thread, if you want another review.
Megsug
I wouldn't exactly call this a first chapter. You didn't introduce any characters. You didn't tell us the setting. You did not give us any plot detail. This seems more like an introverted monologue that should reside in the second or third chapter. The first chapter in a novel, or prologue, should grab the readers attention. The first few sentences should have your reader obsessed with your work. Your first few sentences did not do that for me. Also, since you did not introduce any plot detail or characters, I have no reason to continue reading your novel at this point. Add something to make me want more. I should be on my knees begging for more writing.
Overall, you need to turn this into a true first chapter. Introduce some characters. Give a setting. Give us a plot. Make us want to read more! Keep me posted. Happy Writing!