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by SakuraFallsSweetly♥
  • July 30, 2010
  • Short Story
  • Romantic
  • Short Stories And Attempted novels
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Comments & reviews · 8
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ImABookPerson
Review
ImABookPerson wrote a review · Wed Sep 29, 2010 3:23 pm

Wow! i loved it! :D despite for all the mistakes you made, it's really good! :D i think the best i ever read.
Keep it up! i would love to see some more if this stories here, and i loved it because it's so true, there are some friends who are like that ....and you just showed it in this story :)

Keep on writing!
~Book Person~

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AnneMarie96
Review
AnneMarie96 wrote a review · Sat Jul 31, 2010 1:27 am

I really liked this and I can't wait to read more. I can personally relate to this story. All of my best friends have ditched me for their 'reputations'. I am looking forward to what else you write because I feel this story could really speak to people (including me). Even though there were a few grammatical errors. I found your story plot to be flawless. Good Job, and I can't wait to read more :)

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slandie Comment
slandie commented · Fri Jul 30, 2010 6:59 pm

Wooow I think it's well written ! you are T-A-L-E-N-T-E-D !

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LittlePrincess
Review
LittlePrincess wrote a review · Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:11 pm

Wow, I really liked that. It really demonstrates the emotions she has (I assume she's a girl). It's a very interesting style, and I will have to see how the rest of the story turns out to better critique on that. Most of my comments have been said already, my only nitpick is that for the parts you bolded/underlined, like "killed me" you can just italicize. Or, do bold or underline not both.
PM me with any questions and please please please PM me with your next chapter, I can't wait to read more.

(And if you don't mind I am currently working on a romance novel. I just posted chapter 8 topic67662.html but you can click on the novel to read more if you want to. I wont be offended if you don't :) Thanks a bunch!)

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Sassafras
Review
Sassafras wrote a review · Fri Jul 30, 2010 4:59 pm

Hello, Sakura. I'll be reviewing this for you today. :)


I was one of the most against suicide people you could meet.
This sounds awkward. Instead of saying "most against suicide" you could say something like "anti-suicide". Or something along those lines.

Ironic#00BF00 ">, isn't it? Allow me to telly #00BF00 ">I'm sure the added 'Y' was a typo, but it needs to be erased. Using the word "telly" sort of takes the seriousness out of this a bit. It just sounds funny. you#00BF00 ">, and everyone who pieces this together, the story.


Thanks for the good year of knowing you Meg, #00BF00 ">it meant a lot.


Not realising that because you didn't care that you were uncool was what really made you cool.
Maybe it's only me, but I couldn't really understand this sentence.

I didn't know you anymore, and that killed me.
I understand you trying to emphasize "killed me" but italics would work just as well. There is also no space between this sentence and the next.

In-fact, you probably #00BF00 ">didn't' t even know.
The phrase I put in green is weirdly misspelled.

That, my 'friend'#00BF00 ">, is not what caring means.


Yeah, despite everything Megs, #00BF00 ">I love you too.



This reminds me a lot of a book I read not too long ago. I can't remember the name, in it, everyone gets tapes from a girl that commits suicide after her funeral. The tapes are of the girl telling each person their role in her life and how they were connected to her killing herself.

I love the way it feels as if a ghost is talking to me. It's creepy but at the same time interesting. This is very good and there were not that many major mistakes. This has the potential to be something great. I'll be sure to check out the second part.

#FF8000 ">ReisePiecey!

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ziggiefred
Review
ziggiefred wrote a review · Fri Jul 30, 2010 2:07 pm

Hello there :)

I always truly believed it was selfish, really#FF0000 ">, I did.


I was one of the most against suicide people you could meet.
Rephrase this sentence, it sounds a little off.

Allow me to tell#FF0000 ">y you and everyone who pieces this together, the story.

This line does not make me want more because it's a boring approach of keeping the reader in suspense. I would omit it totally because I already know that you are narrating the story, you don't have to remind me.

The first chapter pretty much strikes me as a letter the narrator writes to Megan, instead of your normal story. What happened, I need details. If you take this approach really, I think you are going to have hard time continuing this. Why don't you save your first chapter for later in the story and start from scratch because you have already set a flashback mood in your prologue. Tell me details that lead to your suicide first, the story behind your friendship with Megan expanded.

I'm glad you felt empowered, it shows commitment.

Keep writing and good luck with your story.

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AngerManagement
Review
AngerManagement wrote a review · Fri Jul 30, 2010 2:07 pm

I was never one to believe in suicide. I always truly believed it was selfish, really I did. I was right too. It is selfish. It manipulates your mind against you, making you only think of yourself. I don't understand this bit. How does suicide manipulate your mind against you. Perhaps you could have explain more about that. I was one of the most against suicide people you could meet This sentence seems really awkward.. Yet, I killed myself. Ironic isn't it? Allow me to telly tellyou and everyone who pieces this together, the story. The untold story.


I liked reading this and I couldn't seem to see any errors in the rest of the story. My only problem is that I don't like it when the paragraph seems to be the entire story and it looks cluttered and jumbled but that's just me.

Keep Writing.

Anger :D

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thegirlandthepen
Review
thegirlandthepen wrote a review · Fri Jul 30, 2010 1:47 pm

Hey there Sakura :) I'm Eddie and I'm going to take a stab at reviewing this for you today.

#FF0000 ">Red - Mistakes ; #00FF00 ">Green - Corrections ; #FF00FF ">Pink - Suggestions ; #8000FF ">Purple - Things I Liked

SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote:Prologue

I was never one to believe in suicide. I always truly believed it was selfish, really I did. I was right too. It is selfish. It manipulates your mind against you, making you only think of yourself. I was one of the most against suicide people you could meet. Yet, I killed myself. Ironic isn't it? Allow me to #FF0000 ">telly/#00FF00 ">tell you and everyone who pieces this together, the story. #8000FF ">The untold story.

Chapter 1. Megan.

Ah, good memories. I miss them. Thanks for the good year of knowing you Meg, #00FF00 ">it meant a lot.
For a while, a good while, I really thought you and I would be friends for a very long time. #8000FF ">I was wrong. You were one of the coolest, nicest/#FF00FF ">kindest people I knew, Megan. Do you know that? I really loved you. I looked up to you, despite all your problems. I stood by you when you fell out with your other best friend, when you were sad and wanted to talk, #8000FF ">I walked to your house with your favourite ice-cream in the dark, no matter how late it was. That is what a good friend would do. When you were in CAPS hospital with all the other messed up teens, I was the only one of your friends who bothered to visit you and #FF0000 ">keep/#00FF00 ">kept the rumours at bay by telling the kids in school you were visiting your Aunt. I did so much for you, but you really let me down. When you first got out of CAPS, we were closer than ever. That is until your reputation got a little too important. #8000FF ">You just couldn't be uncool, could you? Not realising that because you didn't care that you were uncool was what really made you cool. Drinking and smoking with all the town girls, that's what you became. At first it didn't really bother me, I assumed you were just going through a phase. After all, you weren't listening to your favourite bands anymore, you dyed your hair, changed your clothes, started swearing and all that. Why, you might wonder, would this bother me? You were not my best friend anymore. Not the one I knew and trusted. It was when you ditched me for them that it had really hit me. I didn't know you anymore, and that killed me

I see what you're trying to do with underlining the words for extra emphasis, but I would suggest making them italic instead, as it does the exact same job.

At first, I didn't accept it. I had to when I realised you didn't care. You may argue all you like, saying that even while you had ditched me all those times, that you still really cared. But who was there for me when my family fell apart? Who was there for me when I fell into a deep slumber of depression? Because you weren't. #FF0000 ">In-fact,/#00FF00 ">In fact you probably didn't#FF0000 ">' t even know. But you should have noticed and you didn't. That, my 'friend' (This should be in italics.) is not what caring means. So, once you got bored of them, you started to miss me. You #FF0000 ">text/#00FF00 ">texted me 'Hey I miss you. You around tomorrow? Love you xxx' (This should be in italics too.)...#8000FF ">Yeah, despite everything Megs, love you too. And that is why you are on this list, to see that your friends are not toys. #8000FF ">Thanks for the memories.


This was a really nicely written piece, there were only a few typos which I could tell were accidental, so good job. I loved the format, its like those magazines where the stories are written in letter form, this was similar and very effective. Straight away you gave your speaker a clear 'voice' which was easy to relate too. Although I'm not sure if this is the person who commited suicide or one of her friends. Which makes me want to read on.

I look forward to reading more, PM me if you have any questions :) xo



The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don’t write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid’s burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance.
— Richard Price