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So, Sakura,

I think this is a decent story start, but to be honest, I don't like it too much. I don't like the descriptions; they're too heavy. I strongly dislike the mentioning of name brands in stories-- it just adds an unwelcoming touch, and it is not especially necessary considering that it's not helping the audience in any way. You tell us she's rich: we don't especially care that she's wearing Dolche and Gabonna and Chanel.

I don't especially like the main character, either. She should be likeable, but then she shouldn't. To me, she's annoying-- she seems to be a total brat, totally self centered, and too typical. To be honest, she's the sketch of a mary-sue, perfect hair, perfect image-- everyone's jealous of her. She's also too over dramatic.

Also, this happens too much. In stories, we too commonly hear the story of a new girl making a fool of herself in front of a guy and later falls in love. It's not terribly exciting to read, because it's so easy to predict what will happen. The mentioning of everything she owns, her white stairs, the porsche, the handbag, is not propelling your story forward.

I would cut some of these details down, and focus on events. They come off as info dumping, as there's really no other way to throw them in.

With that said, you do write well.

Best luck writing,

June

Hahahahahahahaa!!! I couldn't stop laughing as I read it. As your average clutz, all of these scenerios had happened to me at least once. Nice going on the description of the awkwardness! I felt exactly the same way! It's a bit Twilighti-sh, and it's very clear that Nick can read minds. Other than that, I just loved Bonnie! Sure she is a drama queen at first, but honestly, who doesn't like to grouch a bit about doing the dishes? Especially when he has parents to grouch to? Bonnie seems like someone who doesn't like to play around. She'll say what she thinks when she thinks it. Like with the parent's thing. You could call her a spoiled brat, or you could call her, well, telling the truth. She could say 'I love my dad more,' and sound polite, or she could simply say the truth 'it's the money, okay?' Loved it. Damn this was funny! I also love Tenessee, I used to visit there all the time as a kid. The warmest, kindest people ever. Lovely place. Tons of green - careful of the Twilight motives. It's sounding a lot like Bella's first day. I got to hand it to you, this is actually very good. Some people consider cliche's bad, but I think they're very important in a story. And besides, it's not all cliche yet. Please PM me for the next chapter! Honeestly, I loved it. Can't wait for more!

You have a few errors here and there, that I'm sure if you went back through you'd find them.

Your story is kind of...cliche. And to be honest your main character isn't really very likable in the beginning. I think most people like someone they can relate to in their stories, not just a cliche, spoiled brat,

Hello Sakura! I'm Antigone and I'll be your reviewer today!

Placing myself outside of go - somewhere people

Placing myself outside of go - somewhere people was something I took up when I decided to be popular. Not that I didn't like being popular. I just didn't want everybody to think I was stupid. I really wasn't. And, the whole reason to why I loved being popular so much was so I would never be lonely. However, all I felt was that I was surrounded by people who didn't know the real me. Not a good thing.