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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
This is okay. It definatly has some potential. It does need some work though. Sorry to say, but i wasn't hooked. I didn't get the spark of good writting when I read this. Although it is very funny and a good start. reread over it to find the mistakes. I will name a few and you can find the rest.
Who is forcing her to hang out with this guy (Nick)?
That doesnt make any sense. I think you need an and in there or change the sentence.
What is her morning routine. Saying only locker wonk help us figure it out. list afew more things she does.
Also the part about her cutting needs work. Is that really how people deal with being beaten. I would figure that she would be tired of the hurt, and normaly people go into rehab for that kind of stuff.
I will give you a 180 veiw, or also known as, second opinoin. The best scene is in the hallway with her ex. it is very interesting
All in all it needs work but defintaly has potential. Keep working at it.
I really like this! I think it's cute Nick took her out for ice-cream, was it to take her mind of things?
I little thing, why would bonnie tell someone she hates about her ex aand her cutting herself?
let me know when the next bit is posted!
xxxx
It was cute. Indid clice-ish, but cute. I never expected the boyfriend thing. Maybe you should learn more about the reactions people usually have to that, it could help. It doesn't seem reasonable that she would be so very frightened - her worst nightmares are coming true, and after that she's just eating ice cream as if nothing happened? Doesn't make much sense sweeetie. It was a cute chapter, important, yet not ground breaking.
Other then that, I was waiting for your review, and I didn't get it! So, if you don't mind....
So, I'm looking forwarde to the next chapters!
ofir