I can slowly feel my head frying at the sound of ten different musical instruments playing random notes around the room. Yo, nobody is listening to you, they are all doing their own thing. Stop jamming a song that came out ten years ago that nobody likes! SHUTUP! I know you are a good guitarist, but Christ. Give it a rest. I shout at different people in my head. I am so thoughtful and considerate that I don't say it out loud. I'd be sound like that.
I recognise the song Fire Flies being played on the guitar. I smile and hum along. I freaking love that song. I'm tapping my feet and pen along to the rhythm until I glance in the direction of the piano and realize who is playing it. That knob of a Jack, of course. He's looking at me now with his whimpy brown eyes and he knows I've stopped because of him. Sickly, this makes him smile and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
To throw the bongo drums, or not to throw the bongo drums? My train of thoughts are interrupted as Mr. O'Byrne casually strolls in late, wearing his usual stripped jumper which reminds me of Freddy Kreuger. By late, I mean a good twenty minutes late. Very casually, too. We are not expecting an apology or an excuse.
"So folks," he claps his hands together thoughtfully, eyes sweeping through the room. "I am going around the room to hear some practicals you were supposed to have prepared. Remember, these songs you choose will have to be played in the talent show this Summer and there is no getting out of it. 50% people, 50% of your grade counts on this."
Crapitis. I cannot, CANNOT, play right now in front of these people. It will not happen. I have prepared my Oasis cover of Wonderwall. I've been jamming it for ages but like I said, social anxiety. Musical display and I do not get along.
"Jack, you seem to always have an idea of what you're doing. Will you go first?" Ew, Mr.Obyrne. Feed his ego more, please. But atleast I am not first up.
"I'd hate to dissappoint." Jack sighs and reaches behind his desk for his dark pink electric guitar. He thinks he's cool with his baggy jeans and Ramones t-shirt. The joys of going to a Steiner school consist of girls fawning over Jack's 'sexual' style. Could they be more random? BTW, Jack? I've seen cleaner Vans on a sweaty old hobo in Dublin City.
He sits on a table and rests his feet on a chair. The backwards fool. That should be the name of his band, instead of Crimes Against Passion. He is a crime against humanity, and the complexity of the brain. He slides his hand along the frets and positions his musically long fingers into a chord. He plays delicately, for an electric guitarist. He writes some of his own music and claims this one is original too. Unfortunately, I can't help getting lost in it. It's beautiful. It sort of sounds like an 'I love you but I'll never tell you' type of song, even though it has no lyrics just now. Joyous. I must say, I am a sucker for his music. Ugh. I feel myself gazing.
"Stop it!" One of my best friends, Bernie, snaps me out of my dilusional stare and I cough awkwardly.
"Ew, don't be stupid." I lightly punch her arm. I can feel my cheeks burning at the thought of her insinuation. No freaking way.
"Ew don't stare at Jack." She laughs to herself. What a tragic accusation.
"As if, the music is about all he has going for him." I roll my dark-blue eyes and look at the time. Ten minutes left of class.Only one more person has time to play. Perhaps I am safe...
Jack finishes up with one swift, sweet and sensual note that would make butter melt. I hate his talent. The choir girls in class clap for him like total groupies and Jack smiles at them with severe flirtation.
"Good. Could be better, but good. Nice to see you're mixing your style up a bit. " Mr. O'Byrne winks, and Jack is once again so digging himself right now.
"Right. No beating around the bush. Rachel, go." Please be joking. The pointing of the pen and 'I'm waiting' stare tell me otherwise.
"I can't. It's not ready." I quickly spit the words out like there is hot tea in my mouth.
"Give us what you've got. C'mon, you can't just take the easy way out. You opted for music class." His impatience is clear, I can tell.
"I seriously can't..." I feel nervous as hell as everyone in the room is staring at me. Even Henrietta with the queer name and over-sized braces who has nothing to stare about.
"Tomorrow. You are playing tomorrow. " I have never played music in this class to anyone but Mr. O'Byrne alone. For some reason his ratty, brown beard just takes the seriousness away from the situation. Or perhaps it's his Freddy jumper.
"Um, alright." Doom music is playing in my head now, thankfully replacing Jack's sweet song. Rory Calathan pats me on the shoulder reasuringly. Tells me it's not so bad. Perhaps for you musically gifted, talent junkies.
Jack turns to me with his usual smug grin.
"Just do the same kind of thing as I do, you can't go wrong. " Shut up you All Time Low wannabe.
The bell sounds and I almost get trampled on as I am leaving, despite the small group of people in my class. Sweet saviour bell, couldn't you have rang five minutes ago?
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey again ^^ just reading my way down the line of your works Cause I Love This So Much!!! ^u^
Seriously, I can't find one grammar or spelling flaw in this ^^
And the moments the MC and Jack have are just so sweetly obvious that it's painful ^^ (In a good way of course^^)
Hi again
I love the romantic moments between Jack and Callie- I think you described it brilliantly and it was great to show Callie's confusion in her thoughts to the reader too 
I noticed some spelling mistakes, I'd advise clicking on check spelling at the end of each post to make sure that what you have written is spelt correctly 
I think Music pointed a few out though and some grammar stuff, sorry if I repeat any of it as I only scanned through what she wrote- I think she did a good job in covering it all though! 
As you might have been able to tell from my previous review, I don't generally like using words that I think are a bit vague and could be replaced with words that better describe the actions of the character
I like the sound of her dress!
I'd change one of the 'look' here so you are not repeating it, perhaps the first one could be something like 'flicking' or the second one you could change to 'I'm dreading having to say all this soppy trash to my enemy later'
'that love is just problems' sounded a bit awkward to me, I think you could re write it a bit to something like 'that love is nothing but trouble' or 'that love is more trouble than it is worth' or something similar.
Instead of 'was at' I think 'had reached' might sound better
I'd maybe leave out 'the part of' as I think it would run smoother without it and maybe change 'running' to 'rehearsing'.
I don't think you need 'into' here, but as she has already started her studying I'm not sure about using 'started' here either. Maybe 'got down to our studying' or 'concentrated on our studying' or something like that.
Is ti supposed to be that he isn't listening to her so answers completely wrong? If so maybe you could comment on it as otherwise it sound kind of odd. You repeat 'just' a few times here too, I'd maybe change one or two, for instance the last one could be 'your dinner is right there'.
I didn't understand this part that much as he wasn't just prying, he had kind of ignored her. I think you could relate it back to what has just happened, like saying that you wish he had sat with her. I'm not sure if saying your wrong is the right thing, maybe instead saying about sometimes she does need him or sometimes its helpful to have him around.
You repeat 'my knees' here where you don't need to, I think instead of 'I went for a shower and put my hair a little bit curly' you could write it something like 'I took a shower and curled my hair' as it reads a bit easier, Instead of 'it looked good' I think it should be 'I looked good'.
This all sounds a bit jerky, I think you could write it to flow a bit better, perhaps joining a couple of sentences. Here's an example- 'I walk down the long path, surrounded by colourful plants and trees, to his large- and slightly intimidating- house. I ring the doorbell, waiting nervously as he opens the door.' I added in a bit more description to the hours, I think you could ad even more as other than 'big' I have no idea what ti looks like. This might also give more of an insight into Jack's background
I think there was a mistake here with the italics, but 'O, speak again, bright angel!' should be in italics too
Instead of 'he was just inches away from my face' I think ti might be better to say 'is face was just inches away from mine' and when you say 'i could feel heat' I'd maybe add more to the sentence to run smoother something like 'i could feel the heat between us'. I think before you say they gave in to what was between them you could say something like 'And then' as before she was resisting it
You have already mentioned the heat so I'd maybe add in something like 'The heat was now overwhelming' to show that you are referring back to it and that it as increased
I'd maybe change 'I laughed, he laughed' to something like 'I laughed and he laughed too.' just so it flows a bit easier, I think you could say something better than 'walked' to reflect her mood, maybe 'skipped' - although that may be a little over the top
Instead of 'saying' I'd maybe say something like 'acting out'.
Overall: I like how the story is developing!
I do think the kiss was a little rushed, we still don't know much about Jack. I'd perhaps delay it for a little bit so that you could show more of Jack's personality- even if it was just some more speech between them where they talk more into how he mistreated her before and why he has changed so suddenly. I'm still not hat sure what he looks like and I think it would be good to have more of an image of him, perhaps you could drop details every now and then, like about her staring into his deep brown eyes or how her gaze kept getting drawn to his soft dark hair and wondering what ti would be like to run her fingers through it. I think you could more describe the surroundings as well as this could reveal more on his character
You switch from past to present tense a few times, I myself have trouble writing in present tense so I can understand that its difficult to phrase everything correctly, if you check back through your work though then I think you can probably spot where it happens and just change a few words around so it makes sense. I think you still kept the speech of both characters on the same line and that confused me again, I think you should separate it each time to make clear who is speaking. I also mentioned before that I think some words could be changed to better reflect her actions
I have just looked back and realised that you have edited! Sorry about taking so long to review, I ended up doing it in stages
Hello, darling! Music here.
By the way, don't forget the 2:1 ratio! 2 reviews for every 1 piece you post!
Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:
A little on your grammar:
Your main mistakes were either typos, with commas, or with maxi paragraphs.
Language Usage & Writing Style: I thought you did well for the most part, but you were thrown off by your tenses. You just couldn't stay on the present tense. I suggest you go ahead and switch everything to past tense before you write a lot. I think you'll have an easier time with it.
Imagery & Emotion: You put in some imagery and emotion this time! Yay! Just be careful to avoid info dumps, dear. Make sure you use the way she says words to show emotion, too. (If you know what I mean...)
Characters: Nothing about the development of a character was really in this one, darling. That disappointed me a bit. I think they kissed too early. Perhaps just build more tension in the paragraphs before it; that would help.
Anyway, I'd like to see a bit more from this Jack character. While it is only the first chapter, his character is a bit 2D for me. He seems to jump from being a jerk to being Mr. Nice & Charming guy way too quickly. I need to see subtle hints of his change before we make a big leap in the story!
Plot & Storyline: I thought, as I've mentioned, it was too quick a leap. Try and build up just a bit more tension. Perhaps they don't kiss on their first meeting, but there's a certain tension in the air.
The kiss just happened too early for me, although I'm wondering what's next...
Keep it up!
Love,
Music