If only love were like some retro pop song. Simple, but dramatic. Just enough of both. The thing is, when people are "in love", they always say that they don't want to get hurt. But they are lying. The entire population of teenage girls say it at least once in their lives. Magazines will tell you, love hurts. But what they don't tell you, is that every single person in the world longs for it. To fall in love, just for the purpose of getting hurt and having a story to tell and a reason to cry. Love is unexpected, it is not chosen. You cannot decide who you fall for.
I am in third year in secondary school. A victim you might say. No I'm not popular. But I don't think I want to be either. Not that I wouldn't like for every guy in my school to like me, but if that were the case, wouldn't they just like you for your popularity and not for who you really are?
A fifteen year old girl such as myself is not one to be accepted in the secondary school surroundings. I'm not into all that frilly girly stuff but I wouldn't say I'm a total zero. I don't have heaps of friends either, but the ones I do have are for life.
I live in an estate with my dad. I don't know my mother. I was told she walked out when I was at a young age. It doesn't upset me, not really. If you look at it like this: why on earth would you even want to know a person willing to walk out on her very own daughter and husband? To me, people like that are not important people at all.
Journal Entry.
Dear diary.
It is just four days until the end of the school year, and four days until my birthday. Call me stupid but I am hoping nobody will remember it. I really don't like celebrating birthdays. OH YES! On the brightside I will soon be old enough for driving right? That's enough to keep me sustained. Oh dads calling me; got to leave now.
"Rachel! Come on, hurry up! You'll be late for school". Ah beauty, school. Full of peps and pimps and teachers. Can't wait. "Yeah I'm coming, Dad".
So, I head to school wearing black combat pants, dark green beaded top, a purple and grey striped sweater and straightened hair, feeling like I have a sign held over my head that says - awkward.
Let's get one thing straight. I am not shy. I am however, incredibly awkward. I have a slight case of social anxiety some might say. Trying to keep my gaze straight on so I don't meet eyes with anyone and have to talk at this early time of morning, I typically spill my books on the dirty, tiled floor. And who's locker is beside mine? Jack. Of course it is, because that's how this cruel, ironic world is. I can sense the higher powers of heaven or wherever laughing at me as I pick up pages and pages from the floor. So, Jack sees me and offers to help. This is not like him, just to be clear. I'm guessing he just feels awkward watching me on the floor helplessly and wanted to do something so he wasn't just standing there.
Jack is my neighbour and you would think we would be friends. That's how it works in movies and books. God, no. We can't actually stand eachother. Ever since we were eight years old, infact, we have been at eachother's throats.
So it's no surprise that I find it strange that he is helping me, which might explain the frozen look of 'what are you doing?' that's on my face.
"Jesus you're still the clutsiest person around. Some things never change do they?" He smirked like a big weirdo. Jack sort of looks like a rock-star, to say the least. This changes nothing, but I thought it best to explain why he thinks he is so great with his band shirts and his long-ish hair.
"And you've still got the worst grades in the year. So I guess you're right, thing's don't change."
"You're hilarious, really. I was just helping you. No need to be such a moody teenager." He stands up and looks down at me, laughing at his own comment.
"Yes, I am. And you're the same age as me so shut up."
"See you aroung, unfortunately." He swings his keys around his finger and walks off. But the most unfortunate thing about it? I have music class with him. Now.
"Ape." He may be only just about a hearing distance away, but I simply must have the last word.
I look back to my locker and get my folder and gulp back some 7-up before squeezing my bag into it and re-applying my cola lipgloss. Now, off to music class for mad banter, I think not.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Wow. Just wow. I really liked this story. You have a really good introduction and your description of Callie is written very nicely. I can picture her almost perfectly in my head. Dialogue between characters is pretty good too and that's about it. There's not too much bad stuff to say about this.
Corrections already made in bold
Hello, Sakura! Unique name by the way; love it! I've seen that you've posted several chapters of this so far so I decided that I should start reading as well
Should be instantly.
~ ~ ~ ~
Since I only found one thing really wrong with this I must say you have a nice way of writing. It's very teenage-ish but with an edge I hadn't expected. You have a way of talking to the reader as if they were the main character's best friend. I like it
Keep up the good work!
First, the title's great, really catchy. And then the rest...
I am in year nine of high school- I think it'd be better to simply say 'I'm a freshman in high school', it sounds much more realistic.
A 15 year old girl such as myself....- spell out the 15, it'll look much neater
My blonde hair (natural so not like the others) falls just past my shoulders, I guess it makes me stand out, ordinary height, not fat but I feel I could be thinner (self - esteem thing), I dress ordinary too. I'm not into all that frilly girly - girl short skirt kind of look. My eyes are something of hazel.- I think the character's physical traits should be spread out, here and there. To pile it all up in a paragraph is too corny.
Dear diary- Is this too corny? I think most people just like to write their journal entry out, or instead write 'Dear Journal'. Whatever seems best for you.
Oh dads calling me; got to leave now, bye- I don't think people say bye to their journals. Just leave it at 'Oh dads calling me"
What should i expect- you forgot to capitalize I.
I sort of have a hate towards Jack. When I was in the 7th grade he was in my class. We were partners for an English project about our family tree. We were told to compare each personality of our families together, as a way of showing the differences of everyones backgrounds- this paragraph sounds a bit choppy, could you try to make it more connected?
A big stupid jock walked right into me. His name is Jack.- At this point you should describe Jack a little. Point out his muscular arms, or his disgusting gelled hair, make it as harsh as possible since the MC hates him and it's in her point of view.
Sure, I'll see you then".- I'm pretty sure you put the period before the quotation mark.
In total, you're story is really catchy, I'm waiting to see what happends. Do they fall in love? Or does Callie slap Jack in the face?
Hi
I like the storyline here and the way you introduce the main character, the opening paragraph was a good way of starting the story 
I did notice quite a few punctuation errors and little things like that, I'll probably point the general mistakes I noticed at the end, but other than that nice work 
I know you are referring to each teenage girl but here it sounded a bit strange to me as you are referring to 'the entire population of teenage girls' all kind of clumped together- I think you could phrase it a bit differently, perhaps something like 'Every teenage girl says it at least once in their lives.' to make more sense
'i' needs to be capitalised and you switch from talking about 'me' to talking about 'you' whereas I think it might be better to just carry on talking about yourself, so changing 'wouldn't they just like you for your popularity and not for who you really are?' to 'wouldn't they just like me for my popularity and not for who I really am?' I'm not sure about 'I believe this theory of mine'- it sounds a bit awkward. I'd maybe reword it to something like 'That's my theory anyway'- as you would believe your own theory as it is your theory
I'm not sure if 'surroundings' is the right word to use here as you are referring to the people. Maybe 'in high school society' or something like that.
I'd add 'I'm' at the beginning of this and join the second sentence to the first with a dash or semi colon as you are extending upon the first statement. when you say 'natural so not like the others' it sounded a bit strange, I think you could phrase it better as its not clear who 'the others' are- for instance 'natural unlike the majority of girls at my school'. Instead of 'ordinary height' 'average height' is a more commonly used description that might fit in here and the second time you use 'ordinary' I think it should be 'ordinarily' although when you say 'ordinarily' its not really clear what you mean as ordinary clothing is different to each person. Something like 'simply' or 'basically' might show more accurately what you mean if you are just referring to the classic jeans and t-shirt combo
'Hazil' should be 'Hazel' and I think you could change the first sentence a bit as it sounds a bit clumsy written as it is, maybe 'my eyes are something close to hazel' or 'my eyes are a similar shade of hazel'. I think 'I am not very noticed' might sound better as 'I am not often noticed' or something similar
I'd maybe join the first two sentences with a dash and leave out the comma and 'not' in the last sentence as otherwise it could sound like you are contradicting yourself- saying it does actually upset you.
'If you look at it like this' didn't sound right to me somehow,
I'd leave out the 'right?' here, maybe replacing it with a dash as she's writing to herself so there is no-one to reply to her and its the type of thing you say if you are in a conversation with someone. You could maybe add something on after 'sustained' to show what it is keeping you sustained through. I think 'OH YES!' Might be more effective not in caps and the same when you later use caps- I think in general it's better not to use them as the whatever comments you are making is more effective without them and just by using different punctuation like exclamation marks to show their enthusiasm
It might just be me but I wouldn't really say 'beauty'- maybe 'joy' or 'great' and I don't think you need the brackets as it is very obvious that its false enthusiasm anyway
You're not wearing straightened hair so I'd maybe add something before it like 'and with my hair straightened' to show it is not part of the list of clothing. I'd add 'a' before 'dark green beaded top' and why 'ugh'? If the character doesn't like what they are wearing I'd maybe extend on it a bit.
'invisible' should be 'invisible' and you repeat 'walk' a few times where I think you could maybe change it once or twice so you are not repeating it. At first as well when you say 'I walk in' its not clear where 'in' is, you could maybe rephrase it to something like 'I trudge into the school building like hundreds of other students close beside me.' That way you are describing how she felt as she is going into school
'have a hate' sounds a bit strange- ' a grudge' or 'I kind of hate' might work better instead. I think you could join the second and third sentences with 'and' and I'm not sure what you mean when you say about comparing personalities. Do you mean comparing the trees you both have or the history? That might make more sense here.
'He' needs a small 'h' and 'make a laugh out of the fact' I think could be rephrased or run a bit smoother- maybe 'to make a joke out of it'. 'i' needs to be capitalised again
'he's' would be 'he is' but you are saying he used to do this and doesn't anymore so instead I'd maybe say 'he was', I'd maybe add on 'his apology' or something like that after 'accepted' as otherwise it doesn't make sense as to what you accepted. 'i' needs to be capitalised again and I'd perhaps add 'all the' before 'others' or change it to something like 'everyone else does' as I think you were referring to everyone ignoring you but by this it just sounds like a couple of others do and its not clear who they are.
'amoungst' should be 'amongst' and I'm not sure why you are saying that he knows everyone else doesn't see her as he is just talking about himself- maybe instead you could rephrase it to say something about it being the same with everyone else as they never see you in the hall either.
I think this might be better without caps like before
I think the second sentence might flow better with something at the beginning like 'One minute' or 'Every now and then' to show that he doesn't always do this.
'asignment' should be 'assignment' and this all sounds a bit jerky- I think you could rewrite it to run smoother, for instance- 'English class is not that much more fun. We are given a new assignment and for it have to get into pairs. I'm just starting to wonder who I'll be with when-' I'd play a round with it a bit until you find something you think sounds good
I'd put 'WHAT?!' into lower case here and why your poor brain?
you say 'studid' instead of 'stupid' here
When you say 'Haha I guess so' I thought you were talking about her saying this but then you react to it like it's the guy so I was kind of confused here. Again with the caps
Overall: I know I have done a lot of nitpicks but they are all little things I am picking out, the general story I really enjoyed and I hope you continue!
When you wrote speech you didn't separate the lines between when different people are speaking which you need to do as otherwise it is unclear who is talking and I also noticed that the punctuation at the end of the speech was usually on the outside of the speech marks whereas it should be on the inside. I'd go back and check though your work with that
I like the sound of the main character! She seems more independent and not afraid to speak her mind. I think you have described her well but there isn't much on the guy- perhaps some details on him would be good. I also didn't get much of a feel for the scene- maybe you could show more what is going on, not just by how it looks but by sounds and feelings and things like that. Whilst they are talking there isn't much expression or detail on how they are standing or looking at one another. I think you could show well how Jack appears when he is apologising.
The English class you kind of skip past and although its not that important a little more to it like on how she felt after hearing about the pairing in the lesson might be good just to show that more time has passed. You do well on describing Callie's thoughts but not much on her actions, even little things like fiddling with her hair or biting her lip might be nice touched every now and then.
Sorry for the longness of this review! I did like it and all my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you want
Hello, darling, and welcome to YWS! I'm Music, and I'd be glad to help you with anything if you're in need.
Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:
A few pointers:
You made a couple typos as well as mistakes on punctuation. Make sure you look over your draft carefully before posting so readers can focus on your story, not your grammar.
Language Usage & Writing Style: I like your style, Falls. You don't try and be sophisticated, but you're not pathetically immature, either. Your narrator sounds believable and realistic. Good job.
But, let's not go with those caps, okay?
Imagery & Emotion: I felt you didn't have enough imagery. Your emotion was cutely described by the narrator's quirky thoughts.
Just add small touches of imagery, darling. Perhaps the fluorescent light of the school made Jack's skin look green. Maybe the markers contrasted greatly on the white chalk board. Describe the crowd of students around her locker, the colorful array of her spilled books.
Characters: All right. You began the story with the narrator explaining herself. Would she really do such a thing? Most of your story went along with a thing we call "show", as in the reader follows the actions, instead of giving them recaps (that would be "telling".)
If you have your narrator give a low-down on her looks, name, age, and whatnot, it's a complete info dump. Subtle hints help. Include that she has whatever grade level English when she tells him what her next class is. See how it shows us what grade she's in, but she's not really just saying, "I am in ___ grade."
Perhaps you say that her blonde hair fell about her shoulders, separating her from the crowd. Don't have the character say she is "average looking" and go on describing her looks. To be quite honest, the reader doesn't care.
Plot & Storyline: To continue with the "reader caring" thing, this is where you need to make the reader care. This is where they need to be drawn in. I loved the beginning, but when you started having your narrator explain herself, you lost me. My advice is to scratch this. When you got back to the "real world" (basically when she got to school)- I became intrigued once again. Remember that, in the way you're writing, the narrator isn't telling the story- she's living it.
You have me hooked, though. I'm excited to see what's next.
Overall Impressions: I liked it, aside from those few things I mentioned above. With revisions, it will be a great piece, my darling! Keep working!
Again, feel free to PM me with questions! I'd love to be notified when you post again!
Love,
Music
Thats kool. no rush or anything but hurry up and write the rest!!!!!!it looks soooo interesting. Do they fall in love?? No dont tell me...it'll ruin the story.Can you send me a message when you put up the second part? thx.
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