Hey! I just wrote this when I was in a really good mood, this guy I like was emailing me! Lol I won't bore you all, enjoy.
I had never really expected anything to happen between my best friend Carl and I. We'd been so close, I had thought that if we ever went any further than that then everything would be absolutely ruined. But, I always liked him a little. A lot actually. And, I had never expected that something I thought would be a train wreck waiting to happen, could be any simpler.
"You are so easy to hang out with Charlotte." He said, running a hand through his blond hair.
It had always been like that hanging out with each other. It was just us when we were together. No matter where we were, how many people were around. When we were together there was no care in the world. We were free, happy. Things were simple and that was it. A couple of weeks ago, we were bored in school so we were writing each other notes. It started with how are you, and then moved up to you look pretty, and then at last up to Charlotte I like youI liked it though. It was cute, you might say it's something that would never happen. But, with us we were just that comfortable around each other. There was nothing we couldn't say.
"That's...good right?" I asked with a small tone of worry, as I sat on the wall with the guy I had wanted all my life. Looking over the view of fields and river. I could smell the sweetness of the summer flowers around, adding to my great mood.
He started laughing. "Of course. I don't have to pretend or anything with you. So, do you think we'll last?" He looked at me, his hazel eyes now questioning.
He was right about not having to pretend around each other. We had been friends since we were five, when we met in our first day of school. The age of princesses, dragons and nap times. Blissful, now that I look back. Here we were now, years later. As fifteen year old teenagers, sitting on the wall we had discovered when we were seven. I had been upset because my dog died, so he and I had gone for a walk. We found this wall, and the view was incredible. We'd came here since then. It had only been 10 minutes from our houses, which was very near, a short walk really.
"Yeah. We'll last, we always do." I smiled, the kind of smile I hoped was cute but I couldn't be sure.
"If I'm lucky enough not to have another guy figure out how great you are and steal you away." He grinned.
I was wondering if he was serious. I could never really tell when he was joking or not, he was great at pulling a fast one over me when he knew I would fall for it every time. But, I could tell by his eyes that he was not kidding.
As if. I'd never ever want anybody else as long as I lived. He was the kind of guy I would describe as so hot you could get sun burn just looking at him. But maybe that was just me.
"Like that would ever happen!" I almost sighed, now fully certain he was serious as he bit on his lower lip. Something he only did when he was nervous. He didn't know that I knew this.
"I hope." His eyes went soft. One of the manythings I liked about Carl was that he was sensitive.
I cuddled into his shoulder. Feeling the warm evening sun on my long brown hair, I'd never been happier.
My parents didn't mind that we were dating either. They were kind of happy for me, as I had a few jerks in my time. You ever heard of getting back on the horse? I'd done this many times. But only once did I stay on, and that was with Carl. He was part of the family, allowed into my house when ever he wanted. The memories of the two of us were the best days I'd had, like getting up and dancing around together when there was no music playing. I could not think of anything better than being with him.
"Believe me Carl. I'm yours." He kissed me softly, and I went light headed. ♥
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
That was a cute story. I always love those kind of romances where two people have known each other since they were little and fall in love once they get older. There was a few grammar parts where you didn't put a space or a period but there wasn't much. I also would've liked if you wrote more about their romance now instead of talking about them being little kids and about their parents. I liked the way it ended too because I thought it was very cute. Can't wait to read more of your writing!
Pretty, sweet, simple: I liked it! For one thing, you seem to have mastered these two characters' dialog, it sounds easy, natural. That's hard to do. Also, you have a nice eye for details. My favorite was: "The age of princesses, dragons and nap times. Blissful, now that I look back." It's so... there. Lovely. You really captured that one, you could steal hearts with it.
A few (pretty minor) problems I found here or there are:
"I had been upset because my dog died and he and I went for a walk." -In such a short and to-the-point story, this detail is sort of useless. It's a 'whatever' sentence. You could keep it much stronger with something as simple as: As fifteen year old teenagers, sitting on the wall we had discovered when we were seven years old. The view was incredible." Also, that sentence at the end of the statement, "It had only been 10 minutes from our houses, which were very near." It's another 'why-the-heck-would-I-need-to-know-that' statement. It doesn't make Carl and Charlotte's relationship stronger, it doesn't move the story, it isn't a vital detail. It might be more useful if you were beginning a whole novel about these two characters, but you're not.
Another one, in my opinion, would be when she goes: "'Like that would ever happen!' I almost screeched." I guess it felt sort of awkward after she wonders and ponders if he really means it. Like, they're having this pretty, honest moment and it sounds like she pauses after he talks about some other lucky guy that would steal her away, and then she 'almost screeches'. I don't know, it just might sound more appropriate if she, I don't know, 'murmured' or 'breathed' or 'sighed' or something like that, you know?
"I was wondering if he was serious. I could never really tell if he was joking or not, he was great at pulling a fast one over me when it came to joking. But, I could tell by his eyes that he was not kidding." -Okay, this whole paragraph is sort of wordy and repetitive and unneeded. I would just delete the whole thing, but it's up to you. You NEED to do something about 'when it came to joking'. It's like: Duh. If she cannot tell if he's joking or not because he's good at pulling fast ones on her, what else would it be? "He was great at pulling a fast one over me when it came to dancing the tango"? Just take that part out. And finally, if she sits there and wonders about if he is really serious or if he isn't and then it's just like: oh yeah he's serious because of his eyes, it's kind of pointless. You need to lead up to it. Have Charlotte do something like: "I wondered if he was really serious. There were no traces of joking on his face, but he was good at things like that, always pulling fast ones on me when I was least expecting it. But finally, I came to his eyes, and I couldn't wonder any longer: he was serious." Or something! Just... make it looser, make it click together.
Last, "It had always been easy hanging out with each other". I agree with Chipsandguacamollie, that sentence is just being repeated after Carl said it, plus it sounds a little bit blocky. But not uncalled for. What if you changed it oh-so-subtly to something like "It had always been easy being together"? It's the same idea, but the wording makes it sound a little bit less repetitive and mouth-full-ish.
There were a couple picky-choosy grammatical things here and there, but they were not a big deal at all, and I think Chipsandguacamollie got them for you.
Good job!!! This is SUCH a pretty little story, so short-and-sweet! I could read it again, really. I can't wait to read more of your work!
First off, I like that this story is short, sweet, and a simple little romance. I think it can be made better though. I edited all of the grammar mistakes above, which didn't seem like you didn't know what you were doing, but more like you typed this quickly and didn't read over it closely, which I myself have done. Other than a few problematic sentences, your grammar was good.
Now, as for the story itself, I felt like it was a little cliche. After all, this is kind of an 'ideal' romance, which isn't very realistic in life. To make this story more believable, make it a little more original. Maybe instead of sitting on a wall, they're sitting on a dirt-biking track, or by a swamp, or anything that's just a little less 'perfect.' Any way that you can change it up a little bit will make it more entertaining to read, and easier to relate to.
Also, at points, I felt like you trying to cram in some unneeded information, especially in the last full paragraph. If you're going for more length, or just more detail, instead of telling what Charlotte's parents think, and what the two did when they were little, add some details that are more relevant to the moment the couple is in. For example, you can tell more how they got into the relationship, or maybe what Charlotte likes about Carl.
All in all, I think you have a great style here, you just need to polish up your originality, and your describing details. I really hope I helped, and please keep writing!
*tears* I can't even crit this properally cause this is exactly how me and my boyfriend are. Just we've only known each other 2 years, we might as well have known each other longer.
Beautiful.