Sweet tears, and Chaos. Part 1 of Chapter 3.

Hi! Another good part I think this was a great twist!

"Wait a minute, are you like. . . friends with her? I mean don't get me wrong dude she's hot but what were you thinking?,"

I think 'are you thinking' would be better here than 'were you thinking' as he would still be thinking it if he is friends with her (if that made sense ) I also think you have an extra comma after the question mark on the end which you don't need, I noticed this a couple of times later on too but I will point it out where I can

"You're a real pig!" Jane said angrily. It was like seeing a little puppy getting mad. Quite comical.

As Jane is new to talk in the conversation Jack and Eric are having, I'd maybe add something about her interrupting and perhaps give more of a description as to how annoyed she is.

cheering him on and laughing wildly around him.

'beside' might be better here than 'around'.

Jane and I just walked out with that.

'walked out with that' I think could be written a bit differently, perhaps to give more information on how they ignore them or push down their anger, for instance 'Jane and I turned and swiftly walked away, ignoring the cackling hyenas behind us.'

I was starting to feel it now. I felt a pang of hurt run through my body.

I'd maybe swap these sentences around as at first I didn't know what you meant when you said 'it' and I'd maybe add in a bit more about what the pain is from, just to make clear that you are talking about the hurt his insults have left. You could just add 'from his words' or something like that after 'hurt'

I looked down, playing with my hands

'playing with my hands' sounded a bit strange to me here, I understand what you mean though. Maybe something about your hands fiddling with something like 'my hands fiddling with the hem of my top'.

She asked looking curious. Frown lines apeared on her forhead, as if disaproving something she thought I was thinking.

Maybe you could just say 'she asked curiously' as you give a description as to how she looks afterwards, I also think you could maybe phrase the second sentence a bit better. I'd play around with it until you find something that flows easily but here's an example- 'as if in disapproval at what I could be thinking.' I think 'forhead' should be 'forehead' here and 'apeared' 'appeared' and 'disaproving' disapproving'

Her eyes were soft, despite it wasn't that big a deal.

the second part of this sentence sounded a bit strange to me, maybe 'despite' would be better as something like 'even though'?

I took my seat like other students did.

I'd maybe add 'the' before 'other'.

Unusual for her to be this nice, or believe me. Maybe she was suspicious but understood where I was coming from? Or not.

I'd maybe add 'it was' before 'unusual' and 'to' before 'believe'. When you say that she might know where she was coming from, I don't know if it fitted that well as she wouldn't really have an idea as to what Callie's motives were. Maybe something about being suspicious but willing to give her the benefit of the doubt or seeing that she was clearly uncomfortable would make more sense

I sat there in sick bay until the bell went to go home.

When I read this at first I had a strange image of a bell walking home I'd perhaps rephrase the second half of the sentence to something like 'when the bell rang for the end of school.'

Just as I was about to leave he came up outside my locker.

I understand what you mean, but I think it could be written so it is more clear to the reader where he is. Pehaps something about him spotting her and hurrying over or joining her beside her locker?

but can you please let me explain before you march off stubbornly?,"

The same mistake as before here, you don't need the comma after the question mark

"There is no explaining to do. "I thought you were a nice guy you know?

The speech mark before 'I thought' doesn't need to be here.

I was walking fast to get out, but he was keeping pace.

To get out of what? I'd either mention about getting out of the school or getting away from Jack.

I'm sorry alright?.

You don't need the full stop after the question mark.

I don't need your apologies, I don't need your chaos and I don't need you!"

I'm not sure about 'chaos' as he isn't really chaos, it's what he causes. I'd either change it or extend it to something like 'the chaos you cause'.

He didn't get it. It didn't matter if I did or didn't, it wasn't the point. I never wanted to like someone, I never wanted to get hurt. I wasn't like a lot of people. I wasn't me to open up to people either, now he was turning it on me?

I found this a bit confusing but I think it is just a couple of bits towards the end that made it so. I think 'I wasn't me' should be 'It wasn't me' and I'd maybe add 'just' after 'It' too I don't really understand the question at the end, maybe something about making it seem like it was her fault because of that, for instance 'It just wasn't me to open up to people, and now he was using that to make it seem like this was all my fault?'

I began walking away. Hot and bothered by his choice of words.

I thought she was still walking? You don't mention her stopping, so I would either do that at some point before or change the walking away to something about speeding up. I think 'I began walking away' could be rephrased a little if you do still use it, perhaps 'I started to walk away' would sound better.

The next two days when I seen him around in town and everything, things went no better. Neither of us would talk, it was me more than anything.

I'd rephrase these two sentences quite a bit, I'd look over them and think of how you could write them to run smoother but here is an example as well 'Over the next two days, when I saw him around town or passing in the street, things were no better. Neither of us spoke a word to the other, although it was mostly me ignoring him.'

and slammed the door of my bedroom.

'and slammed my bedroom door' might be a better way to write this

After a couple of hours of lingering around in my room, I decided to go to sleep early. I just kept thinking about what Jack said to me, and I wondered if he was right....you need me too... he had said.

I think 'lingering around' could be replaced perhaps with something about her attempting to take her mind off of things, like 'after a couple of hours of trying to occupy myself, I decided to go to sleep early.' I think the sentence would work better without 'he had said' on the end as it is already clear that is what he has said.

Who was standing out on my lawn in the dark with a stereo in his arms only Jack.

I think you need to separate the question and the answer here, maybe a question mark after 'arms' so that 'only jack' is a sentence on its own.

I was a bit tired from saying it because those things didn't just spring to my mind, they came from the heart, which I rarely open.

I think 'from saying it' could be better as something like 'from my little speech' and maybe 'open' would be better as 'opened'.

I may be selfish and conceeded, a jerk. . . but I am not a quiter Callie.

I think 'conceeded' here should be 'conceited' and 'quiter' 'quitter'.

He left and after a while of pondering in my useless thoughts, I serendered and allowed myself to drift to sleep.

I'd maybe leave out 'in' before 'my useless thoughts' and I think 'serendered' should be 'surrendered'. I'd also maybe add 'off' after 'to drift'.

Overall: I thought this was a great part and I like how you showed Callie's anger and kept her staying strong against his excuses!

I like the sense you are giving of Callie's character but I am kind of confused with Jack- he seemed so nice before! It's a good twist to have but I'm not sure about him making fun of her in front of his friends when he knows she is there, maybe he could be unaware that she is beside him so say it without thinking then feel bad when he knows that she heard? That would maybe be a bit more realistic. I'd also like to hear a bit more on Jane in future as you introduced her but I haven't really heard much of her since, she seemed like a really good character so I'd maybe think about bringing her into the story more

I think there are some punctuation mistakes, such as with using commas and full stops where the other one should be used but I'm not that good in correcting that sort of thing sorry, In the knowledge base there are a few articles on punctuation that are helpful if you did want to take a look. I thought you repeated 'need me' quite a bit at one point so I would maybe think on varying your word use there, perhaps saying something about not coping without them instead sometimes.

I agree with Music in that I think you could add more to imagery overall here, I'd like to have more of a sense of their expressions and actions at points to get across more of the emotion they are feeling. I like how you had Callie bottling it up though- it seemed like the sort of thing she would do from what I have read on her Something I thought was really good was in the way the characters spoke to one another here as it I think it came across quite naturally.

All my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped!

Hello! Let me first say that I agree with Music on all the grammar points; fill it up with commas and the right dialogue tags and it will be so much easier to read.

Now, I'm going to attempt this having not read the past couple of chapters, so I'm aware that a couple of things probably went over my head. I'm not sure about the OLD Callie; but I didn't like this one, she seemed so angry and full of drama. Like pretending she's sick to get out of class to avoid Jack. I feel like that's unnecessary, and frankly, immature. Sorry if that's a little harsh, but I would have preferred it if thinking about his comments had ACTUALLY made her sick.

That's about all the suggestion I have, I think Music did a great job of pointing things out. Keep writing!
-Mars

PS:

I was un-capable of standing my ground.

Should be incapable.

Hi, Falls! Music here.


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

"Wait a minute, are you like. . . friends with her? I mean, don't get me wrong, dude, she's hot, but what were you thinking?" Eric said.<---You continue to forget to use dozens of commas throughout the piece. Revise that, darling!

"No way. I was just bored and you know whenever I want something from her I just have to say the word and get a little action," [s]He[/s]he said. <---You do this a lot, too. Make sure your dialogue tags are properly capitalized or, er, un-capitalized.

To me it didn't seem that funny.
How about, "It didn't seem that funny to me."? I think it flows better.

[s]This[/s]These [s]was[/s]were desperate measures, though, if I had to lie to a teacher so I couldn't go near Jack then I would. <--- Big run-on. Let's try again, shall we?
"These were desperate measures, though, if I had to lie to a teacher to avoid Jack, I would.

"Ah[b], peer pressure. Now, why don't I understand it? Oh yes, because I'm not enough of a jerk to give into it for the purpose of looking cool. Guess what, Jack? That's what makes people lose friends," I snapped. [s]I was quite good at giving lectures.[/s]<---That sounds braggy and out of place. Just strike it. Do the same with the one below.

"Get off of me! I have dealt with people like you, and I'm not going there again. I don't need your apologies, I don't need your chaos, and I don't need you!" I said. [s]Wow I was good at this.[/s]

"I think you are quite content with all those pigs criticizing you<---I don't get this sentence. I thought he was happy because he was popular, not being criticized? Perhaps you should word it better to get your point across more efficiently, darling.

Language Usage & Writing Style: Alright, Sweetly. Although I do like your writing style, I think you have some things in there that throw off the story and its flow. For example, you include a bit of her "telling" the story (i.e.: "Here is how it went", "Wow, I was good at this", etc, etc.) instead of "showing" it as you have for the most part. Leave out these little bits, because they confuse the reader as to what point you're coming from, dear.
Otherwise, I thought it was pretty good. Your dialogue went fairly well, just make sure it would be something someone would actually say, not all drama-tastic, okay?


Imagery & Emotion: This was most likely your most lacking part in the story. I don't recall any imagery at all, my darling! Remember to add those subtle hints for each sense (sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell) to let the readers know what's going on.
As for the emotion, I think developing a better tone would help. For instance, in the beginning, I didn't really feel that she felt betrayed by Jack enough. I mean, she thought she was in a relationship with the guy, and then he goes and makes fun of her in front of her friends? She should either be really angry or devastated- possibly both- but I didn't get that at all. Use dialogue, thoughts, body language, and more to your advantage to create the proper tone and mood for your story!


Characters: I had a real problem with Callie in this. I'm actually glad Jack made a mistake- it made him seem human!
With Callie, I felt she was jumping all over the place. I thought she was a strong, no-nonsense individual, and in the end, she just lets Jack sweep her off her feet again, and then she worries about what to wear? I thought she was deeper than that, and I have to honestly say I'm disappointed with Callie herself at the moment. Make sure you keep her personality on track, darling! I want to read about the old Callie!


Plot & Storyline: I think that, again, you're rushing things a bit. I like the idea of Callie being angry with Jack, and I'd like to see a longer period of time with it, you see? At least let it last for a few days! Show that Jack is desperate to get Callie back, but she's too stubborn to admit she misses him too! I think it would work nicely with your plot. I like what you've had so far, I just think you need to slow down a bit. Don't necessarily drag things out, but give them time to run their course, okay?


Overall: Overall, I think that your writing is impressive. With some revisions and re-working, this chapter will be a perfect lead into that "shocker", my darling!


Love,
Music