Sweet Tears, and Chaos. Part 2 Chapter 3

Hi! Thanks for the PM, I agree with the comments Music has made but here are some more nitpicks

I have to hover about the house now because most of my friends are gone visiting family or else just gone to other countries.

I agree with Music here in that you haven't really mentioned friends before so I'm not sure about doing so here. I'd leave out 'gone' before 'visiting' and maybe 'or else just gone to other countries' would sound better simpler as 'or else abroad for their holiday.'

he asked, trying to pull off the fact that he wasn’t that interested in the news paper.

From this it sounds like he is pretending that he isn't interested in the newspaper, but then you call it a 'fact' which would mean it was true he wasn't interested. Maybe 'idea' or something like that instead of 'fact' would be better here

I was feeling a little emotional and I didn’t even know it. I was also feeling guilty for what I’d said to him before.

If she is saying she feels emotional then she does know it, maybe something about only just realising it would make more sense. So as not to repeat 'feeling' maybe something like 'a bit guilty' would be better.

I was missing having things normal.

I'd rephrase this sentence, maybe 'I was missing the normality of life.' or 'I was missing things being normal.' or something similar would work well as replacements

I gave Jane a call to know if she wanted to go and see a movie or something. I met up with her at the park.

I think 'know' might sound better as 'find out' and I'd maybe add a bit more to the second sentence as you don't actually say she agreed to go. Perhaps something like 'After arranging times, I met up with her at the park.'

We went to see a romance. I didn’t really want to see one. Not because of my recent over – dramatic behavior and stuff with Jack. I was so not like most of the teenage girls who get involved with guys just to get hurt, for a reason to be dramatic.

I think 'over-dramatic behaviour and stuff with Jack' could be written a bit smoother, changing 'dramatic' as you use it soon after and as the over dramatic behaviour is the stuff with Jack, perhaps writing it as something like this would be more accurate- 'over the top behaviour to the situation with Jack.'

That’s just so typical and I had no interest in it for that reason.

I'd rewrite this to specify a bit more as in the paragraph you are talking about two different situations and by this part I couldn't at first see which reason you meant, maybe 'It's just so typical and I had no interest in watching a gushy film just to behave so predictably.'

We walked into the theater among the mostly filled seats. We sat down somewhere near the back. Better view.

When you say 'among the mostly filled seats' it sounds as if you are referring to the theatre being among the mostly filled seats, maybe something about walking in to find that most of the seats were filled? I'd also connect the last two sentences so they don't sound awkward, perhaps something like 'We sat down somewhere near the back to get a better view.'

After, I went home. My dad was home and he cooked dinner.

I'd maybe change 'After' to 'Afterwards' or 'After the movie' or 'Once it had finished' just so you are being more clear about after what, I'd also maybe change the second 'home' so you are not repeating the word so close to each other. Maybe 'My dad was already there' or something like that

We went in and looked around in the store.

It's already clear you are talking about the store so I'd maybe leave out 'in the store' on the end here.

which I couldn’t have been happier was over.

'about' might run smoother here than 'was over' as you have already mentioned about the celebration being for it being over.

His big house was lovely, would probably be nicer if you took away all the dancing teenagers and beer cans on the ground.

I'd maybe add 'although it' before 'would look nicer'.

A guy with longish dark hair, band T-shirt.

I'd maybe add 'and a' before 'band t-shirt'. I noticed that you sometimes leave out connectives and although it does work at points in showing how people naturally think, there are a few times where I think it would read better to add them in

I didn’t care about him anymore though.

As she actually does still care about him, I'd maybe have something about her telling herself firmly that she didn't care as she tries to deny the fact that she still does.

I made sure not to get too close though. But Mathew wouldn’t have it.

I'd maybe leave out 'though' on the end of the first sentence as the next one begins with 'But'.

I suddenly became entirely aware of everything. She was trying to make a move on him to get at me. We all knew she liked his friend Eric. If she thought that then she was wrong.

I'm not sure about saying 'aware of everything' because it's not everything, it's just her and Jake. Perhaps saying something about it suddenly hitting her what was going on or what Hayley was doing would fit better. When you say 'if she thought that then she was wrong' what are you talking about her thinking? If you mean that if she thought she would be hurting Hayley, I'd probably say something like that. For instance 'If she thought that she would hurt me she was wrong.'

As I looked up, I saw with the corner of my eye, Hayley pulled him in as close as physically possible.

'I saw out of the corner of my eye' is a more commonly used phrase that might work well here, I think you need 'as she' before 'pulled' or to change 'pulled' to 'pulling'.

but something was burning me deep inside my head telling me I was wrong

I'm not sure about saying it burnt her deep inside her head, maybe just deep down inside her or as it is related to love deep inside her heart?

Despite how much of a jerk he was to me, I didn’t want to lose him all the same. I was a little dramatic about it anyways.

I think the first sentence might sound better without 'all the same' on the end, if you are talking about how she reacted before when you say she was dramatic, I'd maybe make that clearer. Perhaps you could say something like 'I had been a little dramatic before anyway.' as otherwise it sounds like she is still being dramatic when she is referring to how she had acted previously.

What did I do that for? I thought. But it made me more determined. Jack pushed her off of him, I was actually surprised.

It's not her who did it, it was Hayley so maybe changing 'I' to 'she' would make more sense although if you are talking about her playing along, I'd add more to show that that is what you are talking about. Like 'why did I have to encourage her?' After surprise maybe 'to see' would be good on the end

Then he took my hand dragged me out of the room.

I'd maybe add 'and' before 'dragged'.

He pushed me back down and sat above me, the weight of his body crushing me.

'sat above me' sounded kind of odd to me, are you talking about him lying on top of her? If so I'd maybe rephrase it to say so instead.


Overall: Great part! I hate Matthew! You have left it at a really good cliffhanger and I really want to know what happens next- I'm kind of hoping Jack bursts in and saves the day though

I'm not sure about having the cinema scene then going back home the day before the party as it's not really that relevant (although I did like how Jane was brought into it more). Perhaps you could move the movie to when they go shopping? Just so it isn't jumping around as much. As it's no that important a scene I'd also maybe shorten it a bit just to include the important parts about her getting along well with Jane and their friendship progressing. I'd also like to know what happened to Jane at the party- even if it is just a sentence or two on how Callie noticed her chatting away to some boy or flashing her a look of concern.

I thought you introduced Matthew well and the dancing between Jake and Hayley and Matthew and Callie was well described when Matthew leads her off to the bedroom though, wouldn't Callie resist if she didn't want to? I think it was a bit odd that she only tried to leave once she was locked inside the room. If she is doing all of this to hurt Jack then I'd maybe add that in, so when she is thinking that she doesn't want to go with Matthew she could also remind herself to keep up appearances that she was happy to to hurt Jake.

All my comments are just suggestions, I look forward to reading the next part! Hope I've helped

Hi Falls!


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

I, on the other hand, think they are [s]in - convenient[/s] inconvenient. I have to hover about the house now, because most of my friends are gone visiting family, or else just gone to other countries. <---I have a problem with this line. In earlier chapters, I just pictured her friendless, except for Jane. She's never mentioned having other friends before...

I [s]hadn’t[/s]didn't have much energy this morning.

“Well,” [s]My day[/s]my dad said, awkwardly getting up from the table and putting down the paper.”I’m going to work, darling. I’ll see you later[s],[/s]. [s]c[/s]Call me [s]I[/s]if you need anything, OK?” [s]H[/s]he said kindly
Darling, you really need to make sure you have your commas in place and dialogue properly tagged. That's your main grammar issue, besides typos.

“Get your hands off me!” I said angrily, getting up from the tidy white bed[s], in the tidy white room[/s]. [b]<---Hmm. I liked that you added description here, but I'm not sure the "tidy white room" part is entirely necessary. Try scratching it.

Language Usage & Writing Style: Okay, Sweetly. I thought you did pretty well with this department this time. Your dialogue keeps on improving; just be sure to add enough of the MC's responses to people in her thoughts, all right?
I think you babbled a little bit in this part. It was only half a chapter, correct? I don't feel that writing out every single scene is necessary, instead of just saying, "I went to the movies with Jane today." Don't fluff it up, darling. Keep it simple. xD Check this article out; I really liked it.
All YWSers should KISS in Moderation


Imagery & Emotion: I see you made an effort to put a bit more imagery into this! I'm glad you did, darling. You're improving. Just try not to have an info dump or unnatural thought cross her mind, all right? I'd like to see a bit more of what the entire surrounding feels like. When she says that it switched to the fast song- does the beat pulse in her head, her veins? That would be nice description. Is there a scent of alcohol amongst the crowd of teenage bodies? Let us know in moderation and diversity.
As for emotion, I still feel like it's missing. I think the last scene could use some improving. Create a more tense tone; it felt like you were jumping all over the place with it.
Instead of saying "I was jealous", etc., why not let the MC's thoughts saying "Who did she think she was?" (bad example), but referring to someone else, not the MC, to show her emotion. Using dialogue well will help too.


Characters: Dear! I think you did well this time! I thought the "old" Callie came back, Jack was good, Hayley was... herself, and Mathew, oh, Mathew. Icky, icky boy. I think you developed his character nicely in the time you had! Keep up the hard work.


Plot & Storyline: Why, why, why the cliffhanger? It was good; I'm just wishing I could turn the page and read what happens next! Keep in mind what I mentioned earlier- we don't need an elaborate play-by-play for every single thing. Focus on the crucial, important stuff.


Overall, this was a job pretty well done! A little revising and it'll be great, dear!


Love,
Music