Hey! I just wrote this when I was in a really good mood, this guy I like was emailing me! Lol I won't bore you all, enjoy.
I had never really expected anything to happen between my best friend Carl and I. We'd been so close, I had thought that if we ever went any further than that then everything would be absolutely ruined. But, I always liked him a little. A lot actually. And, I had never expected that something I thought would be a train wreck waiting to happen, could be any less complicated than it was now. Simple.
"You are so easy to hang out with Charlotte." He said, running a hand through his blond hair.
It had always been easy hanging out with each other. It was just us when we were together. No matter where we were, how many people were around. When we were together there was no care in the world. We were free, happy. Things were simple and that was it.
"That's...good right?" I asked with a small tone of worry, as I sat on the wall with the guy I had wanted all my life. Looking over the view of fields and river. I could smell the sweetness of the Summer flowers around, birds chirped happily, adding to my great mood.
He started laughing. "Of course. I don't have to pretend or anything with you. So, do you think we'll last?" He looked at me now, his hazel eyes now questioning.
He was right about not having to pretend around each other. We had been friends since we were five, when we met in our first day of school. The age of princesses, dragons and nap times. Blissful, now that I look back. Here were were now, years later. As fifteen year old teenagers, sitting on the wall we had discovered when we were seven years old. I had been upset because my dog died and he and I went for a walk. We found this wall, the view was incredible. We'd came here since then. It had only been 10 minutes from our houses, which were very near.
"Yeah. We'll last, we always do." I smiled, the kind of smile I hoped was cute but I couldn't be sure.
"If I'm lucky enough not to have another guy figure out how great you are and steal you away." He grinned.
I was wondering if he was serious. I could never really tell when he was joking or not, he was great at pulling a fast one over me when it came to joking. But, i could tell by his eyes that he was not kidding.
As if. I'd never ever want anybody else as long as I lived.
"Like that would ever happen!" I almost screeched.
"I hope." His eyes went soft.
I cuddled into his shoulder. Feeling the warm evening sun on us, I'd never been happier.
My parents didn't mind that we were dating either. They were kind of happy for me, as I had a few jerks in my time. He was part of the family, allowed into my house when ever he wanted. The memories of the two of us were the best days I'd had. Like getting up and dancing around together when there was no music playing. I could not think of anything better than being with him
"Believe me Carl. I'm yours." He kissed me softly, and I went light headed. ♥
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey there SakuraFallsSweetly♥
!
I'll be another one of your reviewers. First off by saying your story was OK but it wasn't GREAT!
But here's why.
We have no idea what your talking about. So we know the main character's name is Charolette and the guy's name is Carl. We have no idea how old they are, where they live, where their talking or what the whole point is. So you might want to write more on that. Remember don't take it personally it's just to help you write better.
Also when you said his 'perfect' blonde surfer hair.
I'm guessing that means he's perfect. Don't make your characters perfect. Give them flaws! That's what makes them YOUR characters
Try something like this...
Carl ran his hand through his hair, he made eye contact to show me that he wasn't ashamed of his feelings for me. Blah blah blah
Anyways I think this story does have true potential but you need to work on your main characters, plot, and description.
PM me if you have any questions or comments.
-Max
Hmmm
You can do it!
Short, sweet, to the point.
A great start! This little exerpt is obviously the "happy ending" situation most of us "oooo" and "awww" over (I'm totally a sucker for happy endings) so I liked the idea and content.
If there's one thing lacking in it, it's DETAIL. I want to see, hear, smell, FEEL the emotions, the characters, the setting--make it REAL.
Peace.
Hi, Sakura! I'm here to review your work today. So, here you go
:
Never say perfect. I don't know why, but I hate when people say perfect. Nothing is ever perfect. But that might just be me.
The dialogue punctuation is wrong here. There should be a comma after "Charlotte" and "He" should be lowercase.
I think you should re-word it. I think you should just take out the 'now'.
When he said "I hope" it made it sound like he wanted her to be stolen away from him. Maybe you should say something like "it better not" or something.
Sorry if that sounded harsh. You are a good writer. I think you should try to expand this, it would have a lot of potential.
Good luck,
Colleen
That fixes the sentence.
I'm sure you meant to type a G.
Do not use cliche' terms in serious-toned literature. It kind of down-plays the seriousness of the piece.
Overall:
You write well, but it's so hard to be told by how short this story is. It would be nice if you transformed this piece into a much longer one, giving background information of the two characters and have the feeling of the story better conveyed.