Young Writers Society

Hello, darling! About time you posted more!


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

Jack.<---I think you should make the text her bold, underlined, or both to differ it from the writing below.

“Jack!” she said.<---I'd like to see a different tag here to add more description. Perhaps she shouted, or maybe it was a high-pitched screech. Let the reader in on it.

I kicked him hard into the stomach while he yelped on the ground.<---I don't like how you phrased this. It sounds like you're saying he yelped onto the ground, which doesn't sound right.

“Yeah,” I said. I was surprised that Jane was the only one of the dancing, drunk teenagers that came over to see what was up. Although, she sure as hell was not drunk. The music was so loud. <---Those last three sentences confused me. First, you stated that Jane was drunk. Then, she's not. And why are you noting the music is loud?

“It’s alright. I promise I won’t let him away with it. It’s all over now,[s] I saved you,[/s] it’s OK,” I said softly. I don't think any kind boy would make it about him at that moment. He sounds like he's trying to bring himself into the conversation instead of focusing on her.

His brown eyes were trusting.<---You make it seem as if Jack is the one who has to trust Callie. Perhaps you could rephrase this in a way to better get across your point.

Language Usage & Writing Style: Your language usage still tends to be a bit repetitive and immature. It has its bright, good moments, but I thought that you could have had a better tone and used more mature, simple words. If you work on keeping it simple, to the point, and still interesting, I think you'll do very well.


Imagery & Emotion: I think your imagery was one of the most lacking departments. While you did try to add some, you didn't really use the imagery effectively and to your advantage. Instead, you placed it in at random. Try strategically placing bits of imagery to reinforce things, and sometimes let it speak for itself.
As for emotion, I felt like you did a pretty good job of describing it! Just make sure it's the correct emotion to have. A few of yours were random, darling.


Characters: Your characters. I really think Callie's character has declined once again. What happened to the strong, independent one? Sure, she may have been frightened by the incident, but it wasn't something to treat like you were murdered, dear. Never fear! Find a solution for such a thing below!


Plot & Storyline: You had Callie seem very vulnerable in this chapter. I think she would have more of a correct reason to be so if you made it clear that she was actually raped. Perhaps Jack comes in and describes the scene better, such as Matthew zipping up his pants and Callie's pants on the floor? I think that the great amount weakness she shows is unnecessary unless she was actually raped, my dear. I know it's a horrible thing to write about, and you don't have to write out the actual scene, just the images of the aftermath.


Apply the advice you get from critiques to this piece, and it'll be a job well done, darling!

Questions? PM me.

Love,
Music

Hello again! I think this piece was more of an improvement from the others, you presented Callie's feelings well too

Callie!” I said.

Maybe 'said' would be better as 'shouted' or something like that to show better how he is calling to her

I took it as an advantage.

'I used it to my advantage' might work better here as it is a more commonly used phrase.

I punched him in the face with force. I kicked him hard into the stomach while he yelped on the ground. His black eyes looked shocked. He didn’t expect to get caught.

'forcefully' might be better than 'with force' or 'as hard as I could' might work, I'd also maybe join the first two sentences with something like 'and' just so they read a bit better Instead of 'he didn't expect' maybe 'he hadn't expected' would be more at place as now he is caught Also, I'd maybe explain how his eyes looked shocked instead of saying they were shocked- like widened in shock or something like that.

I just got in and out of there fast.

He isn't really getting in, jut out at the moment so maybe something about leaving as fast as possible would be better?

What did he do to you?” she said,

As it's a question, I'd change 'said' to 'asked'.

I told her. I wanted to just tell her right away,

I'd expand upon just wanting to tell her to show what and as you have just said 'told' I'd maybe change 'tell' too, perhaps something like 'I wanted to explain all about Matthew right away'

still using my polite form.

I'm not sure about 'form', maybe you could rearrange it a bit to run smoother like 'still maintaining my politeness'.

she said. The concern in her expression was very noticeable.

You have already said she appears concerned so I'd maybe change this to give some new information- perhaps she could bite her lip in worry or something like that to have an action that shows her feelings

The music was so loud.

This comment seemed a bit out of place to me, I'd relate it to another sentences or add more to it. So perhaps as Jack and Callie leave they could feel the music thumping or Jack could maybe be trying to make his voice heard above the music when he is explaining to Jane?

I took Callie out of the house. We got in my car and sat for a while.

I'd add a bit more to this, instead of 'got' maybe something about how they got into the car and perhaps when you say he took her out of the house you could add more to show how delicately she moved, maybe Jack supporting her or something like that

I promise I won’t let him away with it.

I think you need 'get' before 'away' here.

If I hadn’t been trying to make her jealous, Mathew wouldn’t have gotten jealous and took her up there.

I'd maybe change one of the 'jealous' so you are not repeating it, perhaps the second one could be something about him becoming annoyed or possessive. I think 'took' might be better as 'taken' here too.

It WAS my fault.
She just cried into my shoulders. It killed me seeing her that upset over him!

I think if you put 'WAS' into italics instead of capitals work well in showing the emphasis on it Instead of 'over him' maybe 'because of him' would be more appropriate as 'over him' I kind of think of more being used if they were upset about a break up or something like that (I don't know if that is just me though )

I walked her up her avenue, trees swayed softly in the wind. Representing peace and tranquil that was not around.

I think 'swayed' should be 'swaying' here and 'representing' might be better as 'They represented the' as it is at the beginning of a new sentence and I think 'tranquil' should be 'tranquility'.

But yet, even though what had happened had shaken me,

I think 'and yet' might be better than 'but yet'.

When I eventually woke in the morning, I saw my dad sitting at the table, like he did every morning

I'd say something about going downstairs after she woke up as otherwise it's as if she just woke up to find her dad there

Just then he rang the doorbell

As she wouldn't know for certain that it was him here, maybe just something about the doorbell ringing would be better

I felt a little bit safe when I was with him.

'safer' might be better here than 'safe'.

“Tell me something, how are you honestly feeling?” he asked.
“No matter how hard I try to close my eyes,

I'd maybe add another bit in here to show she thinks about her reply or something like that, maybe you could add in an action to break it up a bit?

letting one or two tears onto his brilliant white shirt.

I think you need something like 'fall' or 'drip' after 'tears' to show how they got onto his shirt

But I would only go for a walk down the country road, which was at the left way of my house.

“Can we go for a walk?” I asked, realizing I had said no to it when I was talking to my dad, but knowing that I refused because I was afraid to go alone.

I'd maybe leave out the first sentence as it's not really needed and kind of gives away what she is about to say

I said blankly

You've used 'blank' a couple of times and I think it was OK but here it gets a bit too repetitive, I'd maybe change it. Perhaps 'mechanically' or something like that?

For the first time in ages, and I don’t mean since last night, I allowed myself to feel pain.

I'd maybe add something like 'just' after 'don't mean'

I grinned a little bit.

Even though she is more happy here, 'grinned' seemed a bit too much to me. Maybe 'smiled'?

Overall: I like how you have written this piece, it has some really good points of description in it and I think you have showed her emotions well!

You don't really say what Jack bursts in on, and I thought that nothing really happened but from her reaction it might be better to have it that something actually did. She is really shaken up and I think you show her vulnerability well, but I don't know if she would be acting so differently just because of having a scare. Maybe Jack could walk in and you could describe the scene to make clear that she has been raped.

I also think you could seperate Ccallie's and Jack's perspectives a bit more, maybe having a star between the two and their names in bold? Just to make clear you have switched Other than that, I think you could add a bit more description to some parts of the story to show how Jack appears when he is looking after Callie and to add some more imagery to the piece, but that's about it I think you have continued well, hope I've helped!