I
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Representing the most basic human emotion
Sadness, regret, sorrow
Rain that pools as deep as an ocean
Rain that runs down your face like tears
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II
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Rain is renewal, the dead things reviving
Each drop gives the earth life
All of the plants are now green and thriving
The damp roses sparkle like your eyes
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III
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The night chosen as an ending
You slip away in the rain
And with it, your good intentions sending
A night to disappear and leave for good
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IV
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And when you return to me
It will rain again I'm sure
The rain that has set you free
Is what binds everyone together
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V
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Rain, interpreted as many things,
It is never associated with laziness
Yet here I am, listening to the sharp pings
As the rain falls on me as I... sleep...
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VI
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Pride in rain, victorious at last
It was always going to succeed
Don't look at me like that, aghast
The battle in the rain was for good
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VII
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Comfort in rain, as we lie side by side
Content that are lives were well spent
It's been less than a day since the night that you died
And now we can be happy together again
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,034 Literary Works • 672,918 Reviews
I just loved this. It was cool how you entertwined both the rain and emotion together to make it one constant, vibrant theme in the poem. It felt easy to understand, and yet mysterious and fulfilling at the same time. Poems like yours are hard to come by. Please keep writing more!
Hey there. I'm here to review this lovely piece.
First off, a quick overall thing. In Stanza IV, the person the narrator is talking to leaves them for some reason, then in Stanza VII they're lying next to each other again. As far as I can tell, the person the narrator is addressing dies, and then the narrator dies of grief. Like those stories you hear about old married couples dying within days of each other. After the last stanza, this makes sense, but up until then it had seemed like they were breaking up or something. It was kind of jarring.
The other comment I have is your punctuation. It's kind of all over the place. It seems like you're trying to stick to a pattern of not having punctuation at the ends of lines, but having it wherever else this is needed. However, this doesn't work very well sometimes, as punctuation is often needed for emphasis.
A good example is your last two lines. "since the night you died" is really powerful and important, and the reader needs to pause for a moment there, to let it sink in. However, because of the lack of punctuation, the reader goes on to the next line, which is also a really powerful and important one. Lines like these need separation.
I'd reword this to "It represents the..."
These lines are rather awkward and abrupt. Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure how to fix this, so the best thing I can say is to play around with words until you come up with something that flows better. Try reading it aloud to get a feel for it.
Overall, this was quite good. I'm looking forward to more of your writing. Good luck!
Hey.
The ending was amazing, the beginning was a bit loose, but you caught on so, good work. I didn't find any typos as such, the lines were just perfect, not bad at all. The rhyme scheme was also good.
At first I thought it was just another "rainy poem" but nooo, this was good
I would like reading more of this, add something. Just give it a twist or something, would suit this one. Looks like it's already been approved by many.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo
Cassie here!
First of all I just wanted to ask why you numbered the stanzas. Not only did you Do it with capital I's but you didn't just put 1,2,3,4,5, or 6.
Overall this was a beautiful poem. I enjoyed it a lot. I think you will have a successful writing career in the future. (If that's what you want to do!) But keep the writing and keep ending your poems with perfect sync to the story line. The last part was beautiful.
Keep writing!
Hi, Falc. I am here for the review. (Your rattlesnake) XD
Well, let's begin.
Firstly, may I ask you as to why you numbered your stanzas? I mean, it is odd and different.
Is there a reason behind it or are you being just a bit fancy? haha
The first four of your stanzas has got just no punctuation and that's really odd. I mean, why no use of punctuation? They are there to help!! See this and decide if you'd avoid it the next time:
Spoiler
It should make more sense if it was said something like this:
"The night is chosen as an end" or "The chosen night of the end"
Now, this is a major problem with the poem. The lack of punctuation! Many of the sentences doesn't make sense because you failed to use the right, in fact any, punctuation here.
The poem, itself, was splendid and cool. I hope to read of your stuff soon. This was really very good with very little errors.
Another thing, which left me confused, was the rain. haha
I mean, was it really the rain or were you talking about tears? Or did I connect it to the tears? Ah, I don't know.
Well, keep writing and good luck. It was a really good poem!!
Hello BeanBird! Luata here for a review, specially for you on Review day! I'm not sure if this was intentional, but I saw no periods or commas, but since there are none, I am not sure if this is just your style, since I haven't read any of your previous works, or this was a formatting error. No matter what it was, I like it and I also like the way you separate your stanzas with a line thingy, ah yes, a dash. Sorry, words fail me sometimes.
I like this line, it kind of shadows a darker side, at least to me and I am aware everyone perceives everything different based on past experience. But the hint is good and kind of teasing for the next stanza as well as kind of showing hope. That is a lot of different emotion packed into 2 lines.I feel as if the Roman numerals detract somewhat from the work, as if they are an unnecessary additional distraction. I would pick between the line breaks or the roman numerals but not both at the same time. There, now that grammar and formatting is done, we can get onto the part that I like, the emotion. As I hope to go review a lot of works this evening, I will stick with the main points and not go all nitty gritty like I do sometimes! Not sure if you will think that is a good thing or a bad thing!
I cannot express how much I really, really love this ending line/couplet. The implication, the emotions, I guess I am speechless. Sorry for sounding so cheesy, the ending was just so . . . perfect.
Congratulations on an amazing work and I cannot wait to see more!
-Luata
Hello there! I'm Em101Cats, here to review your lovely poem!
So my general feedback about the poem's meaning --
This, to me, was touching. It reached deep. How intricately written and well-designed this is startles me. I was expecting some flimsy rain poem, basically saying "The sound of rain sounds like tears" and such, nothing against you but against the stereotype of sad rain poems. All of them mostly say the same, but this was surprisingly different, unique, and thoroughly beautiful.
Constructive criticism is nothing here, besides maybe the way the poem flows. I found myself re-reading lines a few times, trying to understand the way the line was written. I think the rhyming pattern throws the writing off a bit, yet I don't think you should really touch it as it gives a bit of rhythm to the poem. I'm probably being really confusing here, sorry! I'm bad at explaining. I guess what I mean here is that sometimes the poem doesn't flow and is choppy. Maybe you could revise this a bit.
I enjoyed a lot of things about your poem; this was lovely to read and I'm glad I managed to find it in the Green Room and snag it for a quick review!
Happy review day! Keep up the fantastic writing.
~Em101Cats~