My flesh is being torn
by the sharp daggers of ice
like broken glass
the shattered shards
of something that was once
perfect.
My toes are numb
and my fingers
unable to curl into a fist
are tinged with black
while half-formed on my
frozen lips
the words I meant to say
to you
lie dead.
The lips that still tingle
with the life
from your kiss
and I relish
the bittersweet taste
of betrayal.
My blood thickens
as the cold creeps up my heart
turning it white
as the ice crystals rattle
through my lungs.
Too cold to even shiver
and the knowledge that
I've failed
weighs heavily upon me.
My eyes
once a brown warm and full
slowly glaze over
as the frost creeps into them
they turn a clear blue
like a reflection.
Mirror, mirror
on the wall,
who's the fairest
of them all?
It is she who lies
stiff and pale in the snow
dead with hair like ice
who turns the white world
crimson.
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Canary word: Present
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125,034 Literary Works • 672,918 Reviews
I thought this was a very nice poem!
It had a great tone/voice to it, which is one of the reasons it made it so amazing. Your title fit the poem; the poem felt icy and shivery the whole time.
Your imagery was also amazing too! I loved the different aspects you included in it (touch, taste, color, etc).
I especially love this part:
To me, this was just simply beautiful and stunning. I love the word "crimson" and you used it nicely in here. This was a great end to the poem.
The flow was a little choppy at parts, but overall it was pretty smooth and sounded nicely in my head. I never got caught up on a word and had to re-read it, but there were just some lines that could have been split up better.
I honestly don't like this. It seems too overused, and I don't think it actually fits in this situation very well. It feels like those "Roses are red, violets are blue" poems that don't feel original at all. But it's your decision, of course, to keep it or not
Keep writing!
~ EternalRain
Although this is not a poem but i like the idea .It seems as the biography of one soul which had commited suicide for being betrayed by her lover. the poem is awsome/special the pars when still the lips shiver for a kiss of her lover.then the theme when u said the lyrical rhyme mirror mirror on the wall, i loved it how ur body turned crimson.
Hi there, Falconer!
Introduction:
Wow, your writing is amazing. Your grammar is near spotless, your phrasing is great, and your structure is clear and succinct. You have barely anything to improve on--in this review, I've just included a few points I think you should consider going forward.
Formatting and Punctuation:
Your line breaks are fairly consistent--great. The poem has a really steady cadence, as well, which frees up the reader's concentration to really appreciate your beautiful writing.
Flow:
Your writing is awesome; this is my only concern (and it's a slight one). Obviously, especially in free verse, the poet can choose where he/she places the line breaks. That's true here, of course, so feel no obligation to change the things I'm about to list.
Especially because the "lie dead" is so powerful, placing a line break after "say" may not have been the best choice. I'd suggest omitting the "to you" altogether, so that phrase looks like this:
Here, I feel like some of the phrases lack the emphasis they deserve because of the frequent line breaks. I'd suggest something like this:
I think that the best thing for you to do here, and what I'd recommend, is to read the poem out loud and record yourself doing it. A) It's fun to hear your work out loud, and B) it makes it easier to find awkward phrases.
Vocabulary:
Obviously, your vocabulary is very strong, particularly choices like "crimson" at the end of the poem. But here's something that I recommend to EVERYONE, including myself:
One example could be replacing the word "sharp" in the beginning of your poem ("sharp dagger") and replacing it with "splintered", or some other word. I'm sure you can come up with something better than I ever would.
Anyway... elevating your vocabulary like this can be really fun, cool, and often helps me to become more "in tune" with my readers.
Grammar:
Again--your poem is free form, so I totally understand and support you if you deliberately omitted some punctuation. If not, for clarity's sake, you may want to look the poem over for missed commas, etc. I won't include any examples here because I know that you're a very capable linguist.
Style:
I think I may have said it all before, but really, your tone is so fervent and yet so bleak. I can't wait to read more.
Other: *See above*
Also, one last crazy little nitpick that I have:
The rest of this section is so beautiful and powerful... but the last line is a bit awkward. What about something like, "as the frost creeps over my face". Or something.
Keep writing, you're amazing.
IronSpark
Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I'll try and change some of those things, but I'm glad that you liked it!
Don't worry too much about having a hard time making happy poems, sometimes I feel the same way. I think it's just the state of life we happen to be in where we feel stumped and can't write about anything else.
When I write happy songs they are usually so emotional I want to cry anyway. lol Some people are just like that I guess, and it tends to be writers most of the time. Or when your happy you don`t want to write but when your sad, writing seems to come naturally! Words feed off emotion and sadness is a very powerful emotion!
I really like the poem, and the title is captivating. I don`t see anything that needs fixing but I`ve always been like that (I just read poetry because it`s inspiring).
I know a good poem when I see one though, and this is one!
Why thank you very much for the nice comments!
Glad you liked it.