In the breathless, hollow silence
{a blank white sheet descends}
Of the darkest night
{turning indigo with fear}
Or the brightest day
{or yellowing in glory}
I can hear your heart
{it all depends on you}
-
Tendrils of light are reaching
{gold against the dull sky}
O'er the mountain tops
{the mountains of your past}
As dawn is breaking
{tinged orange with anticipation}
She is slowly dying
{the blackness of failing sight}
-
You dash against time
{the colors shimmer in the light}
And your heart stops
{waxing stronger with emotion}
But what use is a heart
{anticipation of the worst}
If she is already dead?
{of fear and death}
-
You're too late
{there was never a chance}
Her blood blossoms around her
{flooding, flooding rain}
Red, a winter rose
{the black delight in death}
Yet the world is grey
{and stained with tears}
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140,397 Literary Works • 673,155 Reviews
Ooh, this is really pretty. I love, love this. I could go on about your imagery for days. I love poems that play with color.
Probably the coolest thing about this piece is that you can read the left part without the right part, and it still makes sense, but the right part adds so much too it, and vice versa.
The main criticism I have is: why the weird brackets? You almost never see those in writing. Why not parenthesis or the normal brackets? I found them somewhat distracting, but you don't have to change them if you don't want to.
Now I'm just going to go through and point out weirdly flowing spots.
In general, you do a really good job with making sure both sides make sense on their own and together. But this part, when you read it with the left side, reads as "If she is already dead?/{of fear and death}" That is kind of redundant, and doesn't make a lot of sense. You could get away with it, though, as long as you fix the redundancy.
The only other thing I can think of is to add some punctuation here and there, at least in the left side. That will make it so your readers will linger over the more important ideas, and overall make the pacing vary. This will help keep the poem seeming fresh and interesting. Generally, in this format, just reserve punctuation for the big stuff, where it will have the most impact on your reader.
Great job with this! Good luck and keep writing!
Hey! I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed this. You seem to have developed a very intriguing style, and I feel like with the parenthesis on one side and the open space on the page, it almost gives the poem more depth; it's like it gives the reader more time to think while they read it. I don't know -- it's hard to explain. I don't know if you did that intentionally or if it's just a coincidental result of your writing, but either way, very well done and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Salutations! Fantasydragon01, the DIE-HARD fantasy lover, is here. I am ready to do another review.
Here we go:
Okay, I like the story about life and death. I think that it is very important for people to know what death means. As I would write, death is not a farewell, as some people think. I just love how stories( 99.9% are songs) teach about death and how good can come from it. So, this is a very positive message.
I, however, was very confused at the lyrics. It did not rhyme. The rhythm was hard to follow. But the words were well-taken care of. I just recommend you make them rhyme, or at least kind of rhyme.
One thing: You said the word O'r. It is really supposed to be "o'er". This is just a lyrical way of saying "over" as in "over mountains". Just add that e. Other than that, there are no grammatical mistakes or punctuation mistakes.
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01.