Insomniac's Dream

Hi Falconer, here are some of my thoughts on your poem:

The title is intriguing, since it is a bit of a paradox. Insomniacs can't sleep, yet dreams are such an important part of sleep. Immediately I am thrust into the idea that it is a bit nightmarish just from the title. Great start!

Sleep doesn't come easy,

in the watches of the night

When the conflicting voices

keep my mind awake

This first two lines are interesting and set a unsettling (in a good way!) tone for the rest of the poem. The second two lines are not interesting. We all know what insomniacs suffer; you don't have to be so literal. It would be far more interesting to personify or create an image for these voices.

My limbs are cast iron

yet I toss and turn

with a feverish rapidity

that makes me sick with disquietude

We have another paradox here! I'm actually loving these. The cast iron image is great, and I think you could take that metaphor a bit further. Explain how the iron-ness of the narrator's limbs makes it even more difficult to toss and turn. The last two lines are empty. Be wary of profundity where it doesn't exist. Of course frantic tossing and turning worries a person. Show an example of this instead of telling us with big vocabulary.

Sweat pools in the lines on my palms

as I dread what daybreak brings

More so than this night;

with the sun comes the memories

The sweat image isn't the most exciting, but at least you are playing with imagery here. This stanza is probably your best for it shows some emotion. The last line is the best.

I've been fooling myself-

It's not that I cannot sleep

I mustn't sleep, I fear

so I crack my eyelids open

I'm not sure what you are trying to do with this stanza. It seems you are veering off into the opposite direction of the previous stanza. The narrator was afraid of having to sleep because then they would later have to wake up and face the morning. Now they are afraid they will go to sleep because they would go to sleep forever. This is a paradox that doesn't work! You need to figure out which route you want to take because the message is muddled in all this meandering. I personally think the first approach (where they dread facing the morning) is a better way to go.

If I happen to drift off

and get caught up in a dream,

I shall never reawaken

but remain trapped in a night terror

I would basically repeat what I said above. Find out exactly what it is you want to say. Which is the real enemy: the waking up or the forever sleeping? Both can't be...unless you allude that that the narrator has literally no good options. But you don't really go that route.

A cool idea needs some grounding

I have the feeling that this poem was spawned by the fact that you had a really cool idea about falling asleep and staying that way. Maybe that's why this particular insomniac doesn't want to sleep. But this is contradicted by the fact the that narrator seems to want to sleep in the first half of the poem. What you need to do is figure out what you want to do with this poem. I believe you have three choices.

A. The narrator is afraid to go to sleep because that means he eventually has to wake up to face his problems.

B. The narrator doesn't want to go to sleep because that means he'll be trapped in some sort of nightmare. If you go this route, you need to explain why he is then in the process of falling asleep (e.g. being forced to sleep).

C. The narrator neither wants to sleep nor wake up. He doesn't want to sleep because he might get caught up in his nightmare. He also doesn't want to wake up because he will have to face his problems. He has no good options, but has to take the least worst option. Here you will have to explain why both options are bad.

That was rather long, but I hope it was helpful. Let me know if you have any questions on my review.

Best,
Trident