Slowly creeping, the silent death
Approaching the girl by the shore
As he takes her hand, she breathes her last breath
And she cries as she never has before
-
Done before she changes her mind,
She jumps into the cold river
She's instantly dead, she never could find
The life she left to come with me hither
-
Her parents find her body, dead
The weep and sob the whole night through
In sadness they turn from her empty bed
In reality, they haven't a clue
-
It's just another day for me
Another teenage suicide
Yet I feel for those who cease to be
No parents should live while their child has died
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139,787 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Hey Falconer! Luata here for a review. Of course, if you have seen any of my reviews before, you know that i am trying to focus on the emotion of the pieces more so than the grammar, especially since there are so many other people who do that oh so well blah blah blah, okay the important stuff now!
I normally do not point out individual lines for this kind of thing, but this line kind of struck me hard, in a good way. In two lines, you managed to convey horror, apprehension and pretty much set the stage for the whole poem.
I think that with this poem, the only thing that you could do better emotionally wise is maybe to add a higher sense of desperation for the girl and maybe hopelessness for the parents, I mean, it kind of feels like this a ghost witnessing this, a ghost that doesn't feel very much. I know that writing comes from different views and background stories, so I'm not entirely sure what you where trying to get at with some of this, like the part,
is this meant to be grief for the parent or condemning them? If you would explain that, it would be great!
Nice job!
-Luata
Heya!
First off, Great poem. I loved it and the way you described it.
Now for the nitty gritty part.
"As he takes her hand, she breathes her last breath
And she cries as she never has before
-
Done before she changes her mind,
She jumps into the cold river"
Notice how you said "she breathes her last breath" and then later she jumps into the river...
I would switch these around as I thought she had just died and then in the next stanza she was alive again...
"The life she left to come with me hither" this part also confused me... Are you death? I am confused because death was referred to earlier on in 3rd person.
So, other than that, I liked how it reflected a subject which must not be taken lightly and how to those people who didn't know the person who killed themself, isn't affected as much as the people who did and how we still have sympathy for the parents.
Well done.
That's odd, I wondered why it posted twice. Anyways please ignore the second one haha XD
Ok, first review >.< sorry if I am a bit lacking.
Anyways, I think this is very beautifully written. The only problem I had with the eight line. Also, the last part was a bit lacking compared to the others. It just did not pull the same emotions in me as say the first four lines. It felt a little rushed you could say. Otherwise great job! I enjoyed reading it a lot.
Ok, first review >.< sorry if I am a bit lacking.
Anyways, I think this is very beautifully written. The only problem I had was with the eight line. Also, the last part was a bit lacking compared to the others. It just did not pull the same emotions in me as say the first four lines. It felt a little rushed you could say. Otherwise great job! I enjoyed reading it a lot.
Heyo, xJ here to save the day!
This poem is very beautiful and has a great rhyme scheme. I like how it was about suicide but it had symbolism instead of straight-forward "She killed herself". The only part I couldn't understand was line 4 on stanza 2. "The life she left to come with me hither." Who is "me"? You didn't mention a "me" earlier in the poem.
But overall, you nailed the ending and the poem was spot on. Nicely done. ^.^
May your travels through space and time be merry,
-xJ
First thought: "Um, OKAY?"
Great poem though, I really got a vivid image from this even though you used minimal words, so that is definitely a plus. This poem left me sitting here wondering, "Who's point of view is this from?" because it is really hard to determine who is telling the story, which adds an element of mystery and possibly fear.
Well thanks? (not entirely sure if this is good or bad XD) I left it a little mysterious on purpose, but it's not too hard to come up with some basic assumptions. I'm glad you like the imagery!
oh, this is fine