When the blood is pulsing
through my head
and it pound, pound, pounds
against my skull
with a shock of cold water
it slo w s t o a s t o p.
My limbs are lightened
drifting on the lofty breeze
my eyes wide open
and I see my reflection
dark lashes surrounding
the emerald and sapphire.
The green fertile earth
and the bright azure sky
and caught up in between
the shadow walkers
floating among stardust
and brushing
our fingers against the clouds
which are actually the tall
summer grasses
cut by the cruel
blades of time
yet it only gives them
drive
to grow again.
And the waves
on the sea
jump up
to reach the winter sun
yet the moon is really
pulling them
like the strings
of a marionette
dancing
to a foreign tune
from the place in between
space,
the s p a c e
that is my domain.
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Canary word: Present
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125,034 Literary Works • 672,918 Reviews
Hey there Kat here to Review for our lovely poem and Team WHY?
well this was very very interesting, like a painting in my mind. Yo could have dragged out the word stop even more to give and extra affect, I really loved that . S p a c e was cool too <3 I liked how it was a girl but it was also the world in the girl and hope of her imagination . like something inside something meaning something bigger. That's what I got anyways . I liked the second line also with the pounding. You really like using our words to create real and metaphorical images huh XD I wish I had her beautiful mind to escape to .
Thanks for leaving it so open I really wouldn't change much.
~Kat
Hello ILoveBooks is here!
I have to say...
Wow. This poem is amazing.
I like how the format of your poem is. It's just so amazing. It got me interested about this poem so I read it. What I found amusing is you use spacing. Like this.../S p a c e/ I like it. I can't even hide my joy about this thing! And when you italic some words. Oh its like you are giving so much meaning! I Lt was beautifully constructed. Bravo for that!
I have to agree with Arathorth, though. It was an abstract topic. It's hard to construct something like this 0_o but you manage to do it. I rarely find poems like this in real life. And I'm glad that I found someone like you who can write such great poem like this.
Overall...I have nothing else to say is well done. Keep writing more poems that can really relate to other people. Also well written. The rhyming might not be hinted but not every poems need rhythm. I sometimes like these kind of poems because people find it more deep and touchable and relatable for most of the readers out here.
This poem is a great one. Everything is great. The description. The words. The format. The way you write with emotions. Everything! I know I keep repeating what I always say in this poem. But it was just beautiful. I think it make me cry too.
Continue writing. And i wish I heard more from you because your poem is wonderful. You inspire a lot of people including me actually.
Good job!
That's all.
-ILoveBooks123
Jeez, I love this poem.
The most striking thing is the constant rhythm established. It's effortlessly built up by the short lines and enjambement and then beautifully deconstructed by the wonderful formatting!
"Space, / the s p a c e " is such a great way to draw the poem to a close. In particular also, the sudden 'drive' gives some attitude and punctuates the poem intensely.
It's such an abstract topic, which can be hard to pull together into a tight poem, but the vivid language draws you in.
"And the waves / on the sea / jump up / to reach the winter sun" is such a great description of this world and situation you've built up. It's very different from what I usually read, and all the more exciting because of it.
I do agree with StealTheWorld here, that the lack of punctuation can make it a bit tiring to read, but maybe that was the intention? I really like the constant flow but maybe breaking up the poem with some contrasting structures, longer lines or sudden punctuated lines ( like 'drive') may give the same effect of providing a short relief for the reader and contrasting with the flow?
Honestly I'm desperately trying to find something else to criticise but I can't find anything! I just keep reading it and finding new meaning and that is truly the sign of a work of art.
Keep writing, please, and I hope to read more from you soon!
- Arathorth
this is beautiful.
i love the formatting--from 'pound, pound, pounding' to 's p a c e'--all of it just makes the imagery and voice way more vivid.
now i DID find a few punctuation slips, like in the third line. you don't need the period after 'skull.' and there's this really long stretch with no punctuation at all, right smack in the middle. i don't know if this was intentional but for me, it doesn't read quite right. kind of long-winded.
you've got really great imagery here. my favorite part was the line about the marionette. it really just ties together (heh) the idea of being suspended in time or space that i initially got while reading.
great work and i'm looking forward to more from you!
have a good one.
~stealtheworld
Thanks, I was meaning to fix some of the punctuation and will do that now.