I trail my fingers
across
blank white walls
my mind painting bright color
everywhere.
And when everyone
appears to care
I see past their shaky smiles
and wonder
how I got here.
All I ever do is sit
in a little white chair
and stare at the walls,
the blank white walls.
And I keep hearing the ticking
ticking
ticking
of a clock that I can't even see
to tell the time.
The windows here are black,
I note,
just like the hair of the other person
the one they took away.
I get the feeling that if I could only
break through,
break down the blank white walls
there would be color
and light
and life.
But I sit
and swing my legs
waiting for them to come
waiting for them to question me
on life
and I already know I'll lie.
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139,790 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hi Falconer!
I LOVED the poem a lot, really does give you the feeling of confinement. I do think you could still improve your poem a bit.
Don't let the reader have to many questions on the poem, even if you did give them a little hint on what things could be. For example:
"The windows here are black,
I note,
just like the hair of the other person
the one they took away."
Why did they take that person away it doesn't talk about that person at all afterwards or hint what could have been the answer. Also make the poem more cohesive it seems like you just threw all your ideas on the page.
I truly did enjoy your poem, and I hope to read more from you in the future.
-znale1
Hi! I enjoyed your poem to an extent. It definitely oozes with potential yet in general I feel a sort of disinterest due to the lack of personal detail. It seems to be stock full of typical teenage-poetry-cliches such as confinement and blackness and color. Of course these things are GREAT poetry topics. The topics themselves are not what make your poem itself cliche. Its the presentation of such topics. The poem needs to be more personal, not necessarily in a narrative kind of way, but in image. Show more about what you are talking about. Greater description with less generalness makes the poem more interesting. You can have the same ideas expressed without needing to directly state them! I don't know if this rant-like review is helping much but I apologize if it is. Just try to be original but true to yourself. Forcing originality does not make you a false artist. Rather, it encourages you to escape cliches (which could very well be represented by the blackness in your poem) and find the multi-shaded, multi-colored, multi-emotional mind which is yourself.