Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Action / Adventure

E - Everyone

Eagle Times

by EagleFly


Eagles of the West,

The nighttime test,

Fury of talons,

Meeting an Eagle’s eyes taunt,

Eagles fly,

With this cry,

As they fall out of the sky,

Rain pours,

As Eagles soar,

Talons roar,

With war,

Eagles come north,

Into rewards,

Eagles end.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
103 Reviews


Points: 4651
Reviews: 103

Donate
Sat Jun 16, 2018 12:52 pm
Danni88 wrote a review...



Hi MoonFlower! Danni here for a review!

I love the way your new avatar and banner match this poem. (They look great, BTW.)

Here is the poem with my comments in italics, changes in bold and wrong things in strikethrough.

Eagles of the West,

The night-time test,

Fury of talons,

Meeting an Eagle’s eyes taunt, What does this sentence mean?

Eagles fly,

With this cry,

As they fall out of the sky, This reminds me of a line in Tennyson's poem 'The Eagle.' In fact the whole work is reminiscent of this.

Rain pours,

As Eeagles soar,

Talons roar,

With war,

Eagles come north,

Into rewards,

Eagles end. This line is also a little confusing. What does eagles end mean? Does it mean they win the war and quit? Please elaborate.


Overall, great! A few confusing sentences, but easily fixed. I love the length of this: short and snappy to get the meaning across.
Here is The Eagle. See what you think.
Keep it up!

Danni x




EagleFly says...


thank you for this, by the way, when I said Eagles end, it meant that they all or dead and nobody won at all, thanks again. :D :D
MoonFlower out to ask some qestons



Danni88 says...


:D



User avatar
124 Reviews


Points: 1877
Reviews: 124

Donate
Fri Jun 15, 2018 1:10 pm
Wriskypump says...



why does it just say Eagles end for a closing line? I feel that I don't understand.
does it mean they quit warring, or they go to sleep, or they are extinct: or something else?

Also why are the eagles going into rewards? what is the reward? These are things you might want to address.




EagleFly says...


okay thanks, but one thing that last line is kindof telling you that they have gon ekstiknt.



Wriskypump says...


Ok, but u don't want to make the reader guess. Give us context clues. :)



EagleFly says...


Okay than thank you. :D



User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 255
Reviews: 5

Donate
Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:04 am
IgniteTheStars wrote a review...



Hi MoonFlower!
(sorry for the late review, I got called away)
I really liked the shortness of each line and it fits in quite well with the dramatics and powerful image and feel you are trying to portray, each line is kind of like a fast punch. That being said, I think you could try to include more intense/dramatic words depending on what aspect you are trying to bring out. For examples, if you are focusing more on the strength of the eagles, you could try using "thunder streaks, as eagles soar" as it might give a more powerful image?
Also, similar to what some other noticed, it seems that you are trying to rhyme? From what I see, you seem to be using a type of rhyming system that goes like this:
A
A
B
B
However, there are some parts that goes like this
A
A
A
B
B
B
In my opinion, this kind of seems like you are trying to get the lines to rhyme with each other. Now, I feel that you could focus more on the stressing pattern in your poem and the words you use because poems don't necessarily need to rhyme. For the stressing pattern , I feel that it would sound better if you try to make them even? (By stressing I mean the words someone would emphasize when they read it)
There are also some parts where I feel the punctuation could be edited, for example, this part:
" Talons roar,
With war"
The comma in this give a kind of pause when reading, I'm not sure if this was deliberately done to make it rhyme with the line above, but personally I feel that this makes the sentence sound disjointed and awkward. Maybe you could try " Talons roar with war"?
Lastly I kind of have a question here:
For this part " as they fall out of the sky", are they like diving down? Because this line seems to contradict with the picture of strength you seem to be painting with this poem? Thanks
(also sorry about the empty comment, I typed something wrongly)




EagleFly says...


thank you for the Review.





You're most welcome!



User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 255
Reviews: 5

Donate
Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:03 am
IgniteTheStars says...






User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 1335
Reviews: 45

Donate
Thu Jun 14, 2018 1:02 am
Lives4Christ24 says...



Wow love the poem, can't wait to see more of your work.




EagleFly says...


thank you for this in thoosesem, :D I would like to see more of your work to. :D





Thanks



EagleFly says...


your welcome.



User avatar
841 Reviews


Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Donate
Wed Jun 13, 2018 9:08 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing the dramatic depiction of the Eagle. I say dramatic because the eagles are described as being in action or else on their way to a violent encounter. I could imagine the sky full with such powerful birds about to dive and I sure would not like to be under such an ominous threat. The poem captures the vibrancy of the general situation which I believe is the poem’s intention.

Suggestions

I personally would have enjoyed reading it more with regular punctuation, so my advice is based on that. When each line starts with a capital, I pause because I am not sure whether I am starting a new sentence or continuing the one above.

Sometimes I have to stop and start over because I make the mistake of continuing after a slight pause when I was suppose to come to a full stop. This is made more serious if we use commas instead of periods because commas are telling me to pause and not stop.

If I pause and then I find that I had to stop, then I will have misread it and the reading experience can become choppy via a distracting stop-and-start sequence. So in my opinion, fixing this would be an improvement.

Eagles of the west, . . . .
Eagles of the West, . . . .
https://www.proofreadnow.com/blog/bid/3 ... ize-or-Not

The night time test, . . . . [This means a test involving time.]
The nighttime test, . . . . [This means a test during the night.]

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nighttime

As they fall out of the sky,
. . . . as they fall out of the sky[.]

As Eagles soar,
. . . . as eagles soar[.]

But this is controversial.
http://www.thebirdist.com/2013/07/a-wor ... names.html

With war,
. . . . with war[.]

. . . . into rewards[.]


Looking forward to reading more of your work.

----------------------------------------------




EagleFly says...


thank you RadRook again for Review my new work.



User avatar
72 Reviews


Points: 5094
Reviews: 72

Donate
Wed Jun 13, 2018 5:41 pm
Sree wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this poem. It was amazing. I could see your natural flair for poems.

I could get a theatrical picture in my head, it was indeed adventurous :) I liked the way you have written this piece, you had rhyme- schemes on and off, and you know what? it worked. In my opinion, if you have forced the rhyme -scheme, it might have been aggressive. So, props to you!

Clever choice of vocabs and imagery you've used.

I just loved these lines:

"Eagles fly,

With this cry,

As they fall out of the sky,

Rain pours,

As Eagles soar,

Talons roar,

With war,

Eagles come north,

Into rewards,

Eagles end."

It was of perfect length. It is tough to deliver a message when it is cut to the bone, it was impressive you did it.

The way you started the poem, hooked me to read further, it was narrative and intriguing.

I loved it. Looking forward for more of your writing.

Keep up the awesome writing!! :) you have much potential.




EagleFly says...


thank you for the good Review.



Sree says...


Welcomed :)



User avatar
89 Reviews


Points: 14368
Reviews: 89

Donate
Wed Jun 13, 2018 7:59 am
soundofmind wrote a review...



Hi there MoonFlower! :)

I like some of the rhyming you've got going on in this poem! I think for the most part, you've got a few good solid rhymes in there, but the rhyme scheme is inconsistent! When the rhyme scheme gets thrown off, it can feel a little jarring for the reader!

So for example, you've got:

Eagles of the west,
The night time test,

Which is a lovely opener to the poem! It rhymes very nicely. I like the idea of it being a test! Is it a test of the eagle's strength? Their capabilities? The next line makes it seem like maybe the eagles are fighting in the night, which is a cool picture and very intense. I want to see a clearer picture of what this eagle battle looks like!

But! Then right after this you've got:
Meeting an Eagle’s eyes taunt,

Which has no other lines that rhyme with taunt at all, nor does it rhyme with "talons" from the line above. And, it is considerably longer than the other lines as far as syllables go, so it feels a bit out of place!

One of the things that I really like to do with poems, and is recommend when using rhymes, is to set a rhyme scheme. Right now, your rhyme scheme looks like this:

Eagles of the west, A
The night time test, A
Fury of talons, B
Meeting an Eagle’s eyes taunt, C
Eagles fly, D
With this cry, D
As they fall out of the sky, D
Rain pours, E (ish, since it's plural!)
As Eagles soar, E
Talons roar, E
With war, E
Eagles come north, F
Into rewards, G
Eagles end. H


So one of the things I'd like to suggest is maybe reworking this so that you have a consistent rhyme-scheme! I think that would really take this poem to the next level if you're looking to make it the best it can be!

But I really do like some of the imagery you've got going on here. We've got eagles flying around, fighting in the rain, spinning down to the ground and flying back up again, and then it sounds like a side wins and the eagle war is over. It's a really cool idea, but I'd love to see you maybe beef it up with more details and descriptive imagery, because right now, a lot of the words are very simple and short. Which isn't bad in it of itself, but I think playing with vocabulary and word choice could make the picture clearer!

I also had a question about this line:
Talons roar,

Mostly because... I don't think talons can roar? Now, I'm not super knowledgeable on the parts of an eagle, but I'm pretty sure their talons are on their feet! So I can't imagine their feet roaring. Maybe you meant that they clash? Or... claw at each other? I realize you might've used roar just to keep the rhyming going, but I think if you already decide to play around with the rhyme scheme or the word choice, that could easily be switched up so it makes more sense!

But yeah! I think it's a cool idea for a poem, and the image you're building is cool, but I'd really love to see you do more with it! Let me know if you have any questions about any of my input, but I hope some of this was helpful! And don't be afraid to start conversation or ask for more feedback! I'm open to talking about your piece and my review! <3

-sound




EagleFly says...


thank you for the review, buy the way your question, the talons roar, it is an ekspreshin that came to me, thank you for that reveiw it was help fill to me thank you, also this was suposto go with my new story that I am righting, I will put you in the links when I post it pleas look out for it. :D Love @MoonFlower.



soundofmind says...


Okay! And no problem! <3




Remember the rain that made your corn grow.
— Haitian Proverb