the dust spirals in your sunbeam
and you're there in its spotlight, never-moving, never singing
and that creaky old bench hides between your legs.
i remember when your lid was thrown back,
your skeleton keys exposed, a promise
we built into cascades. they fell. it was my fault.
i knew every whorl in your mahogony frame, every cat-scratch
and slightly stiff key. i see them still, lightened
by time and the long-settled dust - behind me,
the heating hums, white noise
that spells out what we lost
more than simple silence ever could.
at last
a gentle finger brushes away neglect
and lifts the lid again.
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Canary word: Present
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
This is Spartan here for an amazing review.
I have to say that this poem made me feel kinda creeper out at first then really worried about you. Second that the poem itself is made to make the reader in a state of fear or confusion. Third this was a good poem but could be a lil better. I get the feeling that this poem is about Pandora's box yet it's not. I didn't see any grammar or punctuation problems but honestly wasn't really looking for those or care if there is any I'm not a grammar or punctuation Nazi like a few people on here yet I don't know who they are. In all this poem has its good and bad things just not caring to really explain them or point them out this is honestly for the points so after the last sentence it's rambling. Hmm what else to say about this poem that would help you or the reader out? The ending of this poem makes me feel like everything is going to be ok and that there is someone always watching over me.
I hope this is a super awesome amazing super awesome fun time review of your poem.
This is Spartan 118 signing out I hope you love this review and have a wonderful day, evening, night, or morning depending on where you live.
Might I just say, before I introduce myself, this is absolutely amazing!
Anyways, Hi there, Godly here to review on this review day!
The frest thing I noticed about this poem is how the tithe reunion rang something sweet just for you to smash that expectation with this negative point of view which makes the poem 100 times better. Not only that, my friend, I loved the detailed descriptions you placed in there. Not only does it create a picture for the reader, it emphasises the point of negativity and experience.
Another really good aspect to the poem is the use of metaphors to get your point across. Instwad of getting straight to the point, you use metaphors to give the poem more of a twisted nature that gives them a full outlook on how they should approach the poem and what mood should they place themself in.
The final thing that really stood out to me was the ending which linked to the beginning - the use of and lifts the lid again. By using this repetition you get across one of the many messages really well. You show the reader that whilst we try to escape our hearts and/or demons, there is always that part of us that wants to go back. And by using the lifting of the lid idea you present that very clearly so kudos.
I know I may be wrong but I wanted to share my interpretation with you.
My only improvement, apart from missing capitalisation at the end, is that this poem would sit in the readers memory if it flowed a little more as that tends to hook the reader pretty well and gets the point across much better.
Overall and amazing poem and I'll look forward to reading more from you.
Keep writing and the best of wishes,
Godly
I love hearing other people's interpretations! A poem never means the same thing to everyone. When you say it could flow a little better, what do you mean?
Whilst it does flow, there are so many ideas that at first I got a little confused and all over the place. But after reading it a few more times it flows a ltitle more. I recon it was the format that put me off at first.
Ah, I see.
I like it sort of
Thank you - care to elaborate?
this is reaaaallly good
You flatter me