it is done. you've listened and now I'll promise you
it has a fairytale ending flavored with bittersweet.
you’re still frozen in a picture I will to move
and sometimes I swear I can see you in front of me
but only when my eyelids are heavy and weighted with
low blood sugar.
I am happy –
the word tastes of fresh mint and acquiescence,
a toast to balancing on a seesaw the way I used to do
at the park; it’s everfluid but I think I’ll take it
one day at a time.
I won’t bother saying ‘mostly’ because late-night
hormones don’t count.
there are holes and you are one of them
and my circle’s down to two again – but –
the wind blows back my hair and I spend my days
chasing galaxies.
the seesaw is mine – I choose
how it tilts and that is a gift
I cling to.
if there is one thing turning taught me
it’s that I can graft new skin
over torn-away pieces;
that smiling every day is a choice and
if nothing ever ended, then nothing
could ever get started either.
we carry our prisons with us, but I finally figured out
how to make a key.
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139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Kazey here for a review!
I loved Spilled so much I decided i absolutely had to check out your other work on Review Day. Needless to say, I love this. It's abstract like Spilled, yet a little less so. I love the imagery in;
the wind blows back my hair and I spend my days
chasing galaxies.
As a dreamer that line really spoke to me, and evoked emotion and nostalgia of a time when life were simpler. I think in the end a lot of poetry is about nostalgia and empathy, so well done.
Jut a small critique. What is turning? You mention in this line;
if there is one thing turning taught me
but never anywhere else, and it seems to hold a lot of meaning in the last stanza, so maybe a small adjustment could be made? I don't really know where you were going with that word, so author's choice.
Anyway, well done!
~Kazey
Thanks for the review! The disconnect with 'turning' is the result of this being the last poem in a set of poems I was writing at the time - 'turning' referenced another one of the poems.
Hi there! I just wanted to say I thought this was a really interesting bit of writing - quite deep and meaningful. Some of it took me a little while to get my head around to be honest, but I like that, it has made it interesting and caused me to be curious.
I really like your first line with caesura to say "it is done.". I thought this was interesting because it's actually the beginning of your poem which juxtaposes to what you're saying.. Makes it quite intriguing and so I read onwards!
Also, I like your use of language "flavored bittersweet" and "spend days chasing galaxies" - I thought these were really creative. And the last line, "we carry our prisons with us, but I finally figured out how to make a key". I suppose, "prisons" are the things we're trapped in - like certain moods and certain thoughts... but the key is how to escape that. How to get away from it all.
However, this line "you’re still frozen in a picture I will to move"... "I will to move" - does that make sense? It didn't sound right to me... Also, although it is interesting how there a lot of hidden meaning I still feel a lot is ambiguous and I'm slightly confused XD ... Unless that's just me.
Keep writing you're awesome!!!
Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked it. As for "I will to move" - I meant like I wish it to move, I'm trying to make it move. I can see how that could be confusing, though. xD
Hey,
so I really think this piece has a great rhythm, but I have a couple suggestions on how to improve the overall flow.
For example, there are some filler words that take away from your story.
like the first line, you write
"it is done. you've listened and now I'll promise you"
I think something more along the lines of
"It is done. You listened, and I promise you..."
It's not all that different, but it's the little things that make all the difference. This is a piece with a lot of potential!