it's drifting.
black bare pavement, kick a pebble,
numb from the chilly-not-cold-enough wind
lights on the trees, bright shop windows,
coffee cups stream by attached
to foreign hands:
bustle and silence – footsteps and cars
and bicycle bells, but silence.
home now, to the desk the chair the lamp
and screen light and sitting
scrolling
Warning: Low Battery
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,367 Literary Works • 672,541 Reviews
Your flow is naturally fitting due to the imperative tense given, though you have situations such as "chilly-not-cold-enough wind" that make me cringe. You do an excellent job of personifying the city, and the quick diminish into the quiet world of the writer is legitimate and real. The final line for battery low applies for phones, ipods, computers, and mental energy--I love the duality.
I know this all seems like just city imagery on the surface, but really it seems like an exploration on overstimulation to me? That's what I take from it. It's a nice experience, and I take more from it than you think.
I know this is short, but chew on the ideas more than any critiques. Let's chat this one up. I'm a bit pressed for thought right now.
Ty
Heya, this is Jedi, here to write a review!
I really liked the simplicity and random detail of this poem, almost like a long haiku. Every line was simply saying the existence of something, and the reader feels distant, in a haze almost, while reading it.
The poem is vague and I haven't found any hidden meaning or message. For me this poem was simply giving off an emotion- - an emotion of being melancholy and accepting. I may have interpreted it a bit differently than it's original purpose, but poetry is meant to be interpreted as the reader feels.
I really like this type of poem, and I can't say anything negative about it. The ending is quite random, but I feel like it was meant to be that way. This is a wonderful work of art, great job! I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your works!
Heya, Mea! Casanova here, fellow knight, to do a review for you!
)
Anyway, I'll be taking this piece by piece, and then doing an overall summary at the end of it so I have you don't mind. To the review!(Also, I've been posting. Get to work
The first stanza-
Alright, I have a few things I didn't like about this stanza. The first thing was the repetition in the beginning line. Sometimes repetition is a good thing, but like this repeating of repetition mostly repetition isn't a good thing to be repeating, if that makes any sense at all. Basically I'm saying that sometimes it's used for effect, but this repetition rather struck me as a filler for lines, basically saying you couldn't think of anything to fill the line to match the length of the others. I think it would work just fine with just one drifting, your lines lengths don't have to match.
The next thing I didn't like was the majority of the second line. Like, I do enjoy the idea of it to say the least, but I felt like your imagery here made this seem rather elementary and not a proper line, as if it was a ten year old reminiscing days of playing on the old play ground by the school. That would work, but here however I find that it didn't really work that well.
The third thing was in the last line, where you say,"cold-not-cold-enough wind." I found that phrase rather boring and redundant, as if it's too cold then it's cold. If it's bearable it's not really cold, if you know what I mean. I would suggest saying something like it's a little nip of cold, like you can tell it's fixing to get cold. Overall your idea for the stanza is there, and I liked it. Anyway, moving on.
The second stanza-
Aye, here's where our generations language comes into play and haunts the remnants of your poem. The usage of,"Lit," rather annoyed me, as I figured you were saying the shop windows were cool and classy or something of the like. I would suggest taking that out, and adding something that wouldn't sound so hip. Something that wouldn't make this sound as if we were conversing over the telephone and you were describing what you saw while on a walk, if you get my meaning of this.
The third line seems to be just for description, and it didn't really do anything for me. I mean, it's there but it didn't do anything for this reason- the next lines usage of,"but silence." here you're saying everything is silent, but in the previous line you have cars andd strangers and things of the like, and I feel as if these two things don't really work well together. I would suggest changing it, or if there's a specific meaning to it I would like to know.
The third thing I didn't like about this stanza was that it seemed to lack direction. As if a stanza just built on setting the scene, so to say. You have your images. Shop stores, lights on trees, strangers and cars. Good! Now put them to use telling your story, what you're doing, and how you feel about it. I'm not getting a sense of any emotion out of this stanza, and I'd appreciate getting some. Put your brain to work! Anyway, on to the next thing.
Aye, the next thing I didn't really enjoy. Here you're already home, and from what little I got you had been walking through town. But that's all I gathered from this, was that it's a little bit cold and that you were walking through the town. Besides that I didn't father anything from this. I would suggest putting a little more personality into this, and letting your images shine bright throughout the story. Here we have something that's like a piece of coal at the bottom of a mountain. Now, crush it. Reshape it. And let your diamond come out of it. Because as of right now I think that you basically have the idea for a strong line, if you would put the time and effort into letting it be crushed time and time again to create a diamond.
The one thing that I liked about this was the humourous part at the ending where it says,"Warning: Low battery." For some reason this really hit me as funny, and I give you props for that.
Anyway, overall I feel like you have a decent poem idea that could be reconstructed through trial and error to create a decent poem, a good one even if given time. I think that it lacks a bit of emotion, images, and that the story telling could use some tweaking to where you're not just setting a scene for somewhere that you're not telling the story in. The repetition could be worked on as well.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped .
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Cas