Cleaning for Company

Hi! So I thought I'd go with something semi recent and this one caught my eye

Line-By-Line

1. Normally I'm always telling people to be specific and to avoid using vague pronouns when you could give a defining phrase like 'the guests' or 'my friends'. However, I'm actually thinking it might suit the atmosphere of this poem to use 'they' instead. Like 'I cleaned my room before they came,'

It feels a little more suspenseful and more sensational than 'the guests'. It also flows better and sounds less clunky.

2. Now I'm going to say the opposite. So instead of 'it' in the second line, add a descriptor! What did you scour? The floors? The walls? The ceiling? How about 'scoured the surfaces with soap and scalding water'. It doesn't give much extra but it's just a bit nicer than it and gives you an extra alliteration?

3. The third line could be a bit stronger. Maybe something like 'swept every ball of trash' or 'swept every dust mite' (or dust monster to play on the under the bed line?)

4. Love the lines in brackets! Maybe something stronger than embarrass would add an extra kick though? Maybe 'where it couldn't out me' or 'where it couldn't expose me' or betray or unmask or unearth. This is a fun time to get out the thesaurus and find a word you like!

5. I like the second stanza except for 'pronounced it perfect' because that's such an over-used phrase and it grates on me. Things just aren't perfect and what does perfect mean anyway? What would be perfect in this situation? A room as holy as a chapel, as innocent as a nursery? Let's have some description, why not 'pronounced it as orderly as uniform as a sardine tin'.

6. I'm not sure you need the line 'hating it all the while', especially if you can get a firm simile in there which implies how awful it is to have made the room sterile and impersonal.

7. I think you could do more with imagery in the third stanza - 'hopeful smile' is a little weak and do we need to know the guests arrived together? I'd be more interested in what they are like. Are they all trying to be uniform as well? Do they all say the same phrases, the hellos and how are yous until it's like a manufacturing line threading into the house?

8. The next couple of stanzas are fine but maybe try to make the unlocking of that door a little more gradual or build the suspense a moment longer before telling us that the guests have already left. What falls out of that open door? Do ribbons stream out, barbies holding hands with other girl barbies? What are these secrets - give us some personal details that help us understand what this person is hiding and help us relate to that. Everyone has something they want to hide away before guests come around.

Overall

I really like the ideas behind this and I love the conclusion that actually we all might be open to more than people expect us to, if we could only find a way to open up in time. I like that things don't quite go right at the end but there's a sense of hope for the future and in general, there's some really neat stuff here. I think if you got the imagery sorted out and tightened up the flow a little, this would be really neat. I definitely like the use of the brackets so keep that in there.

Hopefully this helps a little. See you around ^^

~Heather

Hey!

This poem is so intriguing and beautiful that I had to read it several times to take it all in! I love the ambiguity of the subject matter, and the constant structure gives it a stampeding rhythm. Well done!

I agree with Gaki about the 'they didn't seem to care!' line, and their are some areas where the words are just there to fill up the line.
"Swept every bit of trash" in particular: the word 'bit' is quite boring, and gives no new meaning. What type of trash is it? How does it enhance the whole hiding the secrets metaphor? You could possibly use 'remnant', or 'every whisper of dirty secrets' or something like that to give it better meaning.

I get that the language is simple to give the poem a harsh edge but perhaps adding some more description and making sure no word is superfluous may give it more impact.

However, this is such a small thing and doesn't affect the enjoyment of this poem. It truly is outstanding, and I love the way you present it. I hope to read more from you soon!

Arathorth

Heya!

So listen, I enjoyed the poem. Quite alot actually.

Gaki wrote about your metaphors. If they indeed were metaphors, well done.
They were used in such a way that it didn't give alot away, as it could have been demons or some supernatural entity or it could have been actual unwanted guests.

"I shoved my secrets in the closet
and told them to stay put
(praying they would listen)"

This was by far my favorite line, as so many people have secrets which they try to hide and is relatable.
Please, keep on writing. I want to keep reading.

So as an overall: I LOVE LOVE LOVE this poem, okay?

I love the title and the short description you put, "Illusions" that is, and I love everything about the poem.

Please do allow me to take it part by part and leave my comments there, I'm not much of a critique, just a normal reader, though.

"I cleaned my room before the guests came,
scoured it with soap and scalding water,
swept every bit of trash
into the bin.
(or at least under my bed
where it couldn't embarrass me)

I shoved my secrets in the closet
and told them to stay put
(praying they would listen)
I surveyed the room,
pronounced it perfect,
hating it all the while.
."

I like those lines the most, I like the honesty, god, who doesn't shove their trash beneath their beds and hide their embarrassment in their closets? But then again, who writes about it?

"most of the guests arrived together
too soon, but I was ready.
(I had to be)
so I put on a hopeful smile,
and greeted them at the door
my polished lie began.

as night dragged on, I grew more weary
found it so hard to care
(I'd never passed acting class anyway.)
so I let myself
slip up a little,
figuring maybe they'd forgive me."

I read this with the understanding that those guests aren't literal, that "guests" could be refering to demons, thoughts, or anything.
My understanding to it is that one could be okay with them at first, but as the night draws closer it becomes harder and harder to tolerate, and so you eventually give yourself up to them, slowly.
If I'm right about that, I like your metaphors.


"and I waited for them to trickle away
(with the usual polite excuses)
but they stayed.
they didn't seem to care!
unfettered, I threw open
my long-locked closet door.

but the clock struck
and killed my chance,
and the guests lined up to leave.
(I turned away as they went,
their cars flashing headlights and
goodbyes.)"

I think the line: "they didn't seem to care!" is a bit off, I don't know what is it about it that makes me say so, but it just kind of feels like that.
I also don't think I understood the last part about how the clock striking killed your chance. I took it that the clock strike made the guests go away before they look at the secrets you let out once you unlocked your closet. I guess. I don't know.

"I started cleaning my room again."

Repeat. GREAT FINAL LINE.

*Stands up and starts giving applause*