Hi MapleWay and Spearmint,
Mailice back with a short review!
Let's start with what I noticed while reading:
All of the kids all gathered outside and KIT, SEBASTIAN, and GUS all stood at the top of the long line of stairs).
I would remove the second "all" here. Otherwise, I like that combined with the first sentence you have created a connection with the sentence beginnings. ("All of the cars" - "All of the kids.) It reads very well.
And tonight we'll be staying in the Justinian Hotel, so if you have any luggage, make sure to put it there. Hmm, and since we are trying to save the world, I'm sure the staff won't mind if you bring snacks in there too! (grins at the crowd)
Is this a five-star hotel with a spa? I can already see all the crumbs lying around.
Then we'll just have to locate the villains and attack! Oh, but no killing though, my mom says that's very rude. (nods seriously)
That's the most important rule in such fights! Kudos to Kit (and Kit's mum for teaching her that).
Maybe we could modify them so they shoot food or something?
That's an exciting idea. Would also minimise world hunger if they shot food out of the guns. I also hope they can modify the weapons so they can carry them. I can just imagine some of the kids flying half a mile away with a bazooka after one shot.
Ooh or glitter! Especially pink glitter; that's my favourite.
Yep! I'm sure there are some videos on UsTube!
I know this is supposed to be a comedic form of YouTube, but I'm not sure if UsTube is referring to U.S. Tube, or a communist version of YouTube (Us - Tube) Either way, it's funny.
Oh, and keep everyone out of trouble, of course. We can't have everyone getting into food comas before we launch our attack....
This comes a little too late, now that the kids are already looking for snacks and probably can't hold back.
One, two, three! Go team jellybeans!
That's a rallying cry! I hope the kids will find some graffiti cans somewhere and spray "Team Jellybeans" on the cars. I hope they become a real military unit.
Let's start off by saying I like how the kids are driving back and forth across half the US. It seems like a fun road trip to me. You two always manage to build up some tension, in combination with the humour. I like that and it doesn't seem repetitive or too much either.
One point where I think (will probably only be the case at the moment) is how Kit's friends take more of a back seat and have very little screentime. Most of them only have one sentence or so, which I think is a bit of a shame. I think there could definitely be some brief comments in there from Seb and co. every now and then, like what happened during the drive that the reader doesn't see. ("Kit talks about food comas now, but when we were driving through Colorado, she was in the back seat with a sugar shock and we went off the road several times.") or something like that.
Still, it was a very great chapter! I am now excited to see how Team Jellybean will save the world!
Have fun with the writing!