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(A Totally Not Evil) Bakesale, Act 7

by Spearmint, MapleWay


Setting: The news station

SEBASTIAN

Ok we're here! (Opens the door) Wow! This place is filled with technology! Ok, lets see... There! (Points at a camera and computer) We should be able to use that camera to send a broadcast to everyone in the USA! So if I do this and turn this it should... Yes, perfect! We should be going live in ten seconds! (Begins to fix hair and take a deep breath)

SEBASTIAN (Facing the camera)

Hello all! Before I begin talking I just want to apologize for interrupting your show! Especially if it was Fun With Jellybeans! But this is very important. Anyways my name is Sebastian White and just like all of you. My family has gone a littl- No. A lot coo-coo! And for those of you who don't know this is because of two very bad brothers. They have made them like this with their cookies. Anyways we need to stop them! To do this we need t- (The camera dies) What!

(A few seconds pass and the other kids start to mutter anxiously as they fiddle with the camera)

SEBASTIAN (A couple minutes later, broadcasting again)

Sorry! The camera died... But it is good now! But as I was saying to stop them we need to band together and make a team! If you are interested, which I will give you several reason why you should in a minute. You need to get to one of these three locations. Um... (Looks down at a piece of paper) Pittsburgh, Dallas, or Salt Lake City.

(The other children mess with the computer and a weather map pops up behind SEBASTIAN)

RANDOM KID

(shouts enthusiastically) Look at the map behind Seb! Pittsburgh is, um, in the upper right-ish corner, Dallas is...uh... (consults with another kid) in Teexas! Oops, Texas. And Salt Lake City is in that pointy-looking state on the left! (hops in front of the camera and points to the map) You guys can use your parents' cars to get to those places, and you should also have a map or uh.. gips? gups? (whispers to another kid) Yeah! A GPS! (grins at the camera and gives two thumbs ups) Hope you all get there! Also please don't crash your cars! (runs behind the camera again) (faintly) All yours, Seb!

SEBASTIAN

Thank you! And as for those reasons there are three fantastic ones! Number 1! There is a chance that you might be able to control some heavy-duty military equipment! Doesn't that sound fun! (Waves arms around to enhance the effect, excited pew-pew noises come from off-screen) Number two! If you come there will be a even bigger chance of success! Resulting in a bigger chance of your family getting back to normal! (someone shouts, "and getting home-cooked food again!", followed by mmms and sighs) Number three! (Pauses and looks at the same paper from earlier) Oh ya! Number three! On the drive to one of these places you will get the once in a life time chance of seeing the world! (oohs and ahhs from off-screen) And you have to admit driving a car sounds fun! But make sure you are safe! No injuries! Anyways I hope you decide to come. We will give you two and a half weeks to arrive! Good luck! (Signals the camera boy to stop it.)

SEBASTIAN

Whew! That was exhausting! But fun too! I should probably let Kit and Gus know how it went! (Turns on walkie talkie) Hey guys! We did it.


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Sun Apr 25, 2021 4:16 pm
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review....good to see more of this out, I've been looking forward to this.

First Impression: Well, yet another really fun part here...looks like team jellybeans is making their first moves here and it was a success...and it was hilarious as always. Well...more details down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Setting: The news station

SEBASTIAN

Ok we're here! (Opens the door) Wow! This place is filled with technology! Ok, lets see... There! (Points at a camera and computer) We should be able to use that camera to send a broadcast to everyone in the USA! So if I do this and turn this it should... Yes, perfect! We should be going live in ten seconds! (Begins to fix hair and take a deep breath)


Well...technology should hopefully help them with this crisis. I guess its awfully convenient they just happen to be able to transmit their thing to the whole USA but heyy....this story is mostly for the laughs so I won't nitpick on the technical and factual side of things.

SEBASTIAN (Facing the camera)

Hello all! Before I begin talking I just want to apologize for interrupting your show! Especially if it was Fun With Jellybeans! But this is very important. Anyways my name is Sebastian White and just like all of you. My family has gone a littl- No. A lot coo-coo! And for those of you who don't know this is because of two very bad brothers. They have made them like this with their cookies. Anyways we need to stop them! To do this we need t- (The camera dies) What!


Well...that's nice of him, apologizing for interrupting jellybeans is of course a mandatory task...aand oh dear...is that some sort of sinister plot to interrupt this broadcast.

(A few seconds pass and the other kids start to mutter anxiously as they fiddle with the camera)

SEBASTIAN (A couple minutes later, broadcasting again)


YAY!!!

Sorry! The camera died... But it is good now! But as I was saying to stop them we need to band together and make a team! If you are interested, which I will give you several reason why you should in a minute. You need to get to one of these three locations. Um... (Looks down at a piece of paper) Pittsburgh, Dallas, or Salt Lake City.

(The other children mess with the computer and a weather map pops up behind SEBASTIAN)


Oooh...well that's a nice little advertisement...join now...to have a chance at potentially save the world and/or going crazy by eating cookies. Its honestly not a bad deal at all.

RANDOM KID

(shouts enthusiastically) Look at the map behind Seb! Pittsburgh is, um, in the upper right-ish corner, Dallas is...uh... (consults with another kid) in Teexas! Oops, Texas. And Salt Lake City is in that pointy-looking state on the left! (hops in front of the camera and points to the map) You guys can use your parents' cars to get to those places, and you should also have a map or uh.. gips? gups? (whispers to another kid) Yeah! A GPS! (grins at the camera and gives two thumbs ups) Hope you all get there! Also please don't crash your cars! (runs behind the camera again) (faintly) All yours, Seb!


I love how that character is just referred to as RANDOM KID...but also that's actually got some logic involved while adding a tiny bit of craziness which is a formula that I love in this type of thing.

SEBASTIAN

Thank you! And as for those reasons there are three fantastic ones! Number 1! There is a chance that you might be able to control some heavy-duty military equipment! Doesn't that sound fun! (Waves arms around to enhance the effect, excited pew-pew noises come from off-screen) Number two! If you come there will be a even bigger chance of success! Resulting in a bigger chance of your family getting back to normal! (someone shouts, "and getting home-cooked food again!", followed by mmms and sighs) Number three! (Pauses and looks at the same paper from earlier) Oh ya! Number three! On the drive to one of these places you will get the once in a life time chance of seeing the world! (oohs and ahhs from off-screen) And you have to admit driving a car sounds fun! But make sure you are safe! No injuries! Anyways I hope you decide to come. We will give you two and a half weeks to arrive! Good luck! (Signals the camera boy to stop it.)


Well...this guy would make a good salesman.

SEBASTIAN

Whew! That was exhausting! But fun too! I should probably let Kit and Gus know how it went! (Turns on walkie talkie) Hey guys! We did it.


Yay!!! That plan worked out better than I expected for sure...and that is definitely good news.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall yet another pretty good act here...its going really well here so far. I can't wait to find out what happens in the next one, expect a review on that really soon too. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Spearmint says...


Hi Harry, thanks for the review!! :D
Well...this guy would make a good salesman.

BHAHA YES XDD I laughed so hard when I read that!
Looking forward to your next review, and stay awesome!! ^-^



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Sun Apr 25, 2021 8:18 am
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Spearmint and MapleWay,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Glad to get back here as it feels like one can eat one's favourite candy again. :D

Now I could insert a lot of sentences here that I liked because of the humour, but I think that would just be too many and wouldn't really help. :D Sebastian as TV presenter did a really great job and I really like how you managed to present a very funny act again with a combination of the conversation and the text in brackets, so I'll just limit myself here to these three points that caught my eye:

Anyways my name is Sebastian White and just like all of you. My family has gone a littl- No


I wouldn't put a full stop after the "like all of you", but a comma or a semicolon, otherwise it seems a bit too choppy at this point.

So please don't crash your cars!


I would change the "your" here to "your parents'", because just before that Sebastian mentioned that the children should use their parents' cars.

RANDOM KID


I strongly assume that this random kid is some kid from the US who is watching the broadcast and talking to someone else, otherwise you could decide on a name of your friends. I would change it a bit, or add a short infor like "Some kids in front of an electronic shop with a lot of TVs in the window in Sacramento (for example) seeing the Broadcast" or something.

I think it's very good that you've made some sections to always have a break in them, because with one exception it's only Sebastian speaking. It also gives the reader a bit of time to pause and think a bit. :D

What I missed a bit here in the act was the absence of the other children. They are present but I think they could have been mentioned by name, who exactly does what during the broadcast. You could certainly add some little comments that wouldn't disturb the flow of the reading.

The act was a bit short, but I think it was also good to only include the broadcast here. I think it was also the last act (or the one before?) where I thought it lacked a bit of humour, which has now been integrated again very well without it seeming annoying. It's probably also because you can picture Sebastian standing in front of the camera so well and everything seems a bit bumpy.

I can't say more here because I would just be repeating myself. It was a very great chapter and I enjoyed reading it!

Have a great time writing!

Mailice.




Spearmint says...


Hi Mailice!! Thanks so much for the review :D
For the random kid part, I think we meant it to be a kid in the same room as Seb, helping him broadcast. But yeah, we probably should've clarified that more; thanks for pointing it out!
I'm super glad you enjoyed this chapter, and stay awesome!! ^-^




Death is only the end if you assume the story is about you.
— Welcome to Night Vale