Setting: A bakesale, near three trucks filled with pink and blue sugar cookies
VEX
(leaning against a truck, whispering) All right, Surge. So where to next after this little town?
SURGE
Well my dear brother, we will be going to the town in... (Turns around in confusion.) That direction. (Points North) The minions have already infected most of the East. So all we need to do is finish up the West!
VEX
(rubs hands) Sounds great, brother!
(Suddenly, VEX and SURGE catch sight of the kids walking up to the trucks.)
VEX
Hey, what are you doing here?
KIT
(crosses arms and lifts chin) We're here to find out what you both are up to. Something's not right with this bakesale. (narrows her eyes suspiciously)
SURGE
Whatever do you mean little girl? (Bends down to her height) We are just a couple of brothers who are trying to spread joy to the world! (Tries to smile the best he can)
KIT
Oh really? Then why did my parents start acting so weird when we got close to the bakesale? Back me up here, guys. (turns to SEBASTIAN) Oh wait, where's Gus?
SEBASTIAN
What do you mean? Hes right he- Oh. Where is Gus?
GUS
(Comes around the corner with a mouthful of cookies) Hey guys, I'm right here! These cookies are so good! Try one!
KIT
(gasps) Gus, what'd I say about eating strange cookies?
GUS
(pauses, shrugs) Well, they taste good. (keeps shoving cookies in his mouth)
SURGE
Wait... He seems totally fine! His eyes aren't wide at all!
SEBASTIAN
Wait! You mean the cookies did this to our parents! They didn't even eat any.
VEX
(smirks) You don't even have to eat the cookies to get affected by them! It's all part of our plan. (laughs evilly)
SEBASTIAN
I guess you were right, Kit! But it doesn't matter! We're going to report you to the police!
SURGE
You're welcome to try that kid. But here's the thing... (Points behind them)
(The three turn around to see hundreds of adults running around just like their parents.)
VEX
...the police can't help you. Mwah hah ha ha!
KIT
Hmm, but Gus doesn't seem to be affected... and neither me nor Sebastian either.
SURGE
You're right... I guess when we made these cookies we forgot to account for the loads of sugar consumed by kids every day... It doesn't matter though! What are a bunch of puny little children going to do anyways! (Begins to laugh evilly)
KIT
(glares at SURGE) Hmph. Well I'm not going to waste my energy arguing with a puny adult like you. But you'll see, we'll stop you somehow...
SURGE
(Glares at KIT) I would like to see you try! (Smiles his cavity filled mouth) Vex! Lets head out! It's time to finish what we've started! Goodbye children.
VEX
(gloatingly) Good luck, you'll need it! (sticks his tongue out at the kids, then leaves with SURGE)
SEBASTIAN
Kit. Gus. What are we going to do?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Well, well, well, our first proper confrontation between the two teams and I must say, team evil cookies takes this one hands down...but oh well, we might see a fightback from team jellybeans eventually....anyways down to details.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh team evil cookies making some real good progress I see, this is going quite nicely for them I must say.
Oooooh, we have our first battle, this is going to be very fun to watch...oh yes...
The first words have been exchanged....pretty standard stuff...loving the little expression descriptors, those definitely make it a lot funnier.
And here comes the problem that's going to complicate things, well you really can't blame him since cookies are involved.
See...you really can't blame the poor guy...if the cookies are tasty, the human race is simply doomed.
Oh dear...he's given away some of their plans their...whooops...
Well someone's not afraid of their plan getting revealed, oh this is going to be really good.
Very well executed evil villain laugh, team evil cookies clearly outclassing team jellybeans at this point, will they make a comeback?
Uh oh...that is the first blunder I sense by team evil cookies, you never underestimate, all evil villains should know this by now...come on guys.
And the battle is on..well sadly I must say that the first battle however is won by team evil cookies...I think that's fair.
Excellent question...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is going really well as always. I continue to really enjoy reading this and I'm looking forward to reading more....I think there's one part left to review if I'm not mistaken...anyways...signing off for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks so much for the review, Harry!!! ^-^ As always, it's a pleasure to read your thoughts on our script, and I'm super glad you're enjoying it!! :DDD
Hi Spearmint and MapleWay!
Mailice here with a short review!
I can only keep repeating myself with the reviews. I love the script. It turned out really well and I like every single character in there. Even though I think the humour of the dialogue took a back seat in this act, I really liked how you guys compensated for it by putting the joke in the comments in the brackets. It definitely made for a few chuckles.
Here you can see very well what I meant earlier, that you put the humour in the brackets. Without that, it would only be half as funny. I think it's good that the confrontation between the kids and the brothers is more about the explanations than the humour.
You're not supposed to talk with your mouth full, but I think you could have added a few mumbles or some other sounds. After all, he has a mouth full of cookies.
It definitely looks to me like Vex was bragging and showing off what great cookies they baked. I would have expected him to blurt it out more by accident, but I think it works better this way and also fits in with Surge's comment that Kit and co are just "puny little children".
I think it's good that you get a brief explanation of what happened to the adults, but in the context of the police themselves, I would have expanded it a bit. Just a short sentence about the police officers being among the other adults or driving their patrol cars in circles like little kids or something.
I think there should be a question mark here instead of an exclamation mark.
This is a very good ending and I think it underlines once again that Vex and Surge, despite looking like "strange" adults, still seem very childlike, which certainly gives them charm.
What I noticed - and what I like - is that you wrote the names of the characters in all caps in the brackets. That certainly helps if you want to bring it as a play, and look for your part.
There's not very much to find to criticise here. I really liked the fact that there was a new wind of humour here. It makes the act stand out from the others so far!
Have a great rest of your writing!
Mailice.
Hi Mailice, thanks for the review!! ^-^ It's awesome to hear that you love our script, it means a lot!! And your suggestions are super helpful too (haha the police driving their patrol cars in circles is an awesome idea! XD)
Thanks again for the review!!
Hello. I am really spellbound by yours and Maple's effort!
I have a few suggestions to give–
Isn't ‘to’ rebundant and unsuitable here? I think so.
It will be points ‘to’ north.
I think instead of whatever, you could write what
A little confused. Here, what's the full form of what'd? According to the condition, I think it's what had. If that's true, then won't ‘say’ be said??
The rest was awesome. I am quite interested to see what happens next? Now, they know all the truths. But, how was that? That they don't have to eat the cookies? There was a bug which went inside their body and controlled them. How can the bug enter without being eaten? It seems a bit confusing. Please describe more.
Overall, a very good job!!!
Thanks for the review, Forever!! ^-^
I think it would be "what did," meaning that Kit says, "Gus, what did I say about eating strange cookies?" But yeah, I can see how that would be confusing! C:
Thanks for all the suggestions, and I'm super happy you're enjoying our script!!
Check out the other acts too, if you haven't already! ^-^
(A Totally Not Evil) Bakesale, Act 1
(A Totally Not Evil) Bakesale, Act 2
(A Totally Not Evil) Bakesale, Act 3
(A Totally Not Evil) Bakesale, Act 4
(This is act 5!)
(A Totally Not Evil) Bakesale, Act 6