Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Script » Humor


A (Totally Not Evil) Bakesale, Act 2

by MapleWay, Spearmint


Setting: The White House

SURGE:

Perfect! We're here. Now Vex, remember the plan you go up to the door and distract the guards. Tell them you are here with the consent of the president. They will question you but don't worry. I will put the cookie in the kitchen so by the time they are about to kick you out the president will have already eaten the cookie! I will then have him go to the door and greet you. After he has offered one of them a cookie. If they hesitate I will tell them it okay. And then... The fun can begin!

VEX

That sounds perfect, brother! (cackles evilly)

(VEX walks up to the guards and talks for a few minutes. Meanwhile, SURGE plants the cookie in the kitchen, where the PRESIDENT's lunch is being prepared.)

PRESIDENT

Hmm, what's this? A chocolate chip cookie? Ah, the kitchen staff are the best! I must remember to thank them later. (eats the cookie)

(a few minutes later)

PRESIDENT

I, uh.. don't... feel so good... (faceplants onto his desk)

PRESIDENT'S ASSISTANT

Sir! Are you alright?

(Suddenly the PRESIDENT jerks up)

PRESIDENT

Yes, I'm fine. (Begins to smile awkwardly) It's just this cookie was so good! Though it is very filling. Waiter!

(WAITER enters)

WAITER

Yes sir! Is there anything I can help with?

PRESIDENT

Take this cookie, please. It was very delicious but I am quite full.

WAITER

(looks slightly confused) Yes, Mr. President. (takes the tray and exits)

(GUARD knocks on the door. PRESIDENT'S ASSISTANT answers)

GUARD

I'm here to report a troublemaker outside the White House... say his name's Vex or something? Normally I'd let Security handle it, but Mr. President, this guy's acting really strange... something about evil cookies? I believe it's a matter of national security.

PRESIDENT

Ah, that's not a problem. Invite him inside!

GUARD

...Mr. President? Are you sure?

PRESIDENT

Of course, I'm sure! Bring him in.

(guard leaves and comes back with VEX)

VEX

(talking to the guard) Would you like a cookie? (offers him a chocolate chip cookie)

GUARD

(shakes head, frowns) No thanks.

PRESIDENT

(talking to the guard) Oh, loosen up a bit! This guy's no trouble, he's totally not suspicious at all. Have a cookie!

GUARD

(hesitantly) Well... if you say so... (eats a cookie)

(Suddenly everyone within a one-hundred foot radius began to feel woozy. They became carefree and agreeable.)

PRESIDENT

Perfect. Time to open some bakesales.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 50
Reviews: 9

Donate
Sun Jul 11, 2021 9:01 am
saadamansayyed wrote a review...



Hey Maple, I hope you're doing all well and not woozy from those chocolate chip cookies! My name is Saad and I'm new to this website, and this is my first review. I'm going to drop a review.

So, I really liked how this script went as far as the story beats went. It didn't feel garish or jumpy, which I appreciate, since that is something I see in many scripts. The action is punctuated with the dialog, which is slightly confusing for me. I am not sure if this is supposed to be a stageplay or a screenplay though, pardon me for my subpar knowledge of literary mediums.

The exposition by Surge at the start is alright, but that could've been a bit more active from Vex, as he felt really passive there. I get a sense of the thing is going, and for comedic value, I think I might be willing to trade suspense. Still, I'd be a bit more inclined and engaged towards the script if it was a bit suspenseful. The good thing is, it does not feel as hackneyed as something else would, following the same formula.

Moving on to the second paragraph of the script, Vex has quite the stereotypical villain attitude. The dialog is a bit too patronizing, and could've been phrased sinisterly and less on the verge of smashing the fourth wall into pieces. But, overall, we can establish Vex as the villain or one of the villain from that part of the script.

You could give more insight on how he places the cookie, and what talking does Vex do. It is just filler and a bit less plot-relevant, but it could be fun to know. And, I am still getting "we're going to end the world with this stupid schmuck" vibes here, something that Dr. Drakken (Kim Possible, 2002-2007) or Dr. Doofenschmirtz (Phineas and Ferb, 2007-2015) would give. That is increasingly funny.

I'd assume that the President might be in the Oval Office, and not the presidential kitchenette. That is odd. Furthermore, Mr. President would have a few doubts about something he looks to not have ordered for lunch to be in there. It is a bit strange, but because the hilarity is there, I'm excusing this one. Also, which kind of president are we talking about? The workaholic no-time-for-lunch Joe Biden type or the kind, funny Obama type?

The next paragraph is funnier to me. It is a bit symbolic too. Wouldn't a crowd form of all these workers when somebody notices the president face-planting on to the desk? It seems imminent to me in this particular situation. The President's Assistant -why did he come?

The next is just filler, so I don't have comments.

The guard would be a bit harder on the tone if there's a troublemaker? And the name would make me chuckle up. Evil cookies almost seems like just a guy who's coming here so the commander-in-chief is slightly bemused and a bit pranked up. This could be an episode of Punk'd, but with the context, it feels really funny?

The President appears to have been affected by that vicious cookie! I mean, nobody will let him in in normal circumstances. Vex is clever, ain't he. Use "Sir" instead of "Mr. President", "President Sir" works as well.

The guard was the last link - and now, as he eats the cookie, the destruction begins! It appears that eating that cookie is causing some weird mental thing - perhaps it is laced? I would not know, but it is getting interesting and funnier.

And then the woozy part. Everybody in Washington D.C. becoming carefree and agreeable would be a red flag, at least somebody has to notice. I'm getting more interested here. And this is the funniest.

The last line by the President looks like their lace-to-mind-control plan is finally working! I'm super-excited to see what is next.

I did not find the first part, hence my first review here. This is incredibly funny, tight and engrossing. The only thing I'd suggest is to remove the ambiguity of the medium and keep writing!




MapleWay says...


Thanks for the great review! You brought up some very interesting points! Also welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here! (And if your looking for the previous act you can find it at the bottom!) Thanks again for the great review!





Welcome! I have read it! I am enjoying YWS.



User avatar
2425 Reviews


Points: 256095
Reviews: 2425

Donate
Tue Apr 06, 2021 3:42 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this seems like a really nice prospect here...I am loving how this little play is going. Its a ton of fun to read just like the last one, and I hope to review all of these when I've got the time :).

Anyway let's get right to it,

Perfect! We're here. Now Vex, remember the plan you go up to the door and distract the guards. Tell them you are here with the consent of the president. They will question you but don't worry. I will put the cookie in the kitchen so by the time they are about to kick you out the president will have already eaten the cookie! I will then have him go to the door and greet you. After he has offered one of them a cookie. If they hesitate I will tell them it okay. And then... The fun can begin!


Oooh...evil plan is underway I see...well this should be quite a bit of fun to read.

VEX

That sounds perfect, brother! (cackles evilly)

(VEX walks up to the guards and talks for a few minutes. Meanwhile, SURGE plants the cookie in the kitchen, where the PRESIDENT's lunch is being prepared.)


And that worked quite flawlessly, this is going to be fun.

PRESIDENT

Hmm, what's this? A chocolate chip cookie? Ah, the kitchen staff are the best! I must remember to thank them later. (eats the cookie)

(a few minutes later)

PRESIDENT

I, uh.. don't... feel so good... (faceplants onto his desk)


Very dramatic moment I see...and I suppose the end of the world is about to begin shortly, well this is quite exciting, and hilarious as always.

PRESIDENT'S ASSISTANT

Sir! Are you alright?

(Suddenly the PRESIDENT jerks up)

PRESIDENT

Yes, I'm fine. (Begins to smile awkwardly) It's just this cookie was so good! Though it is very filling. Waiter!


Okay...soo....let's see if the cookie worked I suppose.

Yes sir! Is there anything I can help with?

PRESIDENT

Take this cookie, please. It was very delicious but I am quite full.

WAITER

(looks slightly confused) Yes, Mr. President. (takes the tray and exits)


Ooooh it definitely seems like the plan should be working, I doubt the president is usually going to do that...

GUARD

I'm here to report a troublemaker outside the White House... say his name's Vex or something? Normally I'd let Security handle it, but Mr. President, this guy's acting really strange... something about evil cookies? I believe it's a matter of national security.


Evil cookies are always a matter of national security...who doesn't know that?

PRESIDENT

Ah, that's not a problem. Invite him inside!

GUARD

...Mr. President? Are you sure?

PRESIDENT

Of course, I'm sure! Bring him in.


Okay...the plan most definitely worked out here...this is going to be an epic tale of world destruction via cookies I can just sense it.

(talking to the guard) Would you like a cookie? (offers him a chocolate chip cookie)

GUARD

(shakes head, frowns) No thanks.

PRESIDENT

(talking to the guard) Oh, loosen up a bit! This guy's no trouble, he's totally not suspicious at all. Have a cookie!


And saying it like that is obviously not suspicious at all...

GUARD

(hesitantly) Well... if you say so... (eats a cookie)

(Suddenly everyone within a one-hundred foot radius began to feel woozy. They became carefree and agreeable.)

PRESIDENT

Perfect. Time to open some bakesales.


OOoh bakesale time it is I see....

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Well this just gets more funny the more I read it, I am really looking forward to reading the other parts of this soon...expect more reviews headed your way :)

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




MapleWay says...


Thanks for the review! :D



User avatar
27 Reviews


Points: 122
Reviews: 27

Donate
Wed Mar 31, 2021 1:16 pm
Emivanz1 wrote a review...



as I said on my last review of this work, this is amazing! You can make the most important person in all America seem like a little kid in less than a sentence. I love the way your main characters orchestrate their plan as if it were flawless and nothing could go wrong. This makes it even more unbelievable when it actually works. As always your writing has a childish banter too it that al ot of authors try and create, but is very rarely succeed. This Is an incredibly hilarious story and I can't wait to read the next part!
your friend
Emivanz




MapleWay says...


Thanks so much for the kind review! :D @Spearmint and I are working hard on future acts! And I'm sure you probably know this but you can find all future acts at the bottom!



User avatar
483 Reviews


Points: 33045
Reviews: 483

Donate
Wed Mar 24, 2021 7:12 am
ForeverYoung299 says...






User avatar
483 Reviews


Points: 33045
Reviews: 483

Donate
Wed Mar 24, 2021 7:10 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hello. Here for a review after reading act 1. This act was perfectly the equal as the former. I am gonna comment on paragraphs.

Perfect! We're here. Now Vex, remember the plan you go up to the door and distract the guards. Tell them you are here with the consent of the president. They will question you but don't worry. I will put the cookie in the kitchen so by the time they are about to kick you out the president will have already eaten the cookie! I will then have him go to the door and greet you. After he has offered one of them a cookie. If they hesitate I will tell them it okay. And then... The fun can begin!


Ahh! They reached the White house. That's great.

That sounds perfect, brother! (cackles evilly)

(VEX walks up to the guards and talks for a few minutes. Meanwhile, SURGE plants the cookie in the kitchen, where the PRESIDENT's lunch is being prepared.)

I am a bit confused. How Surge entered the kitchen? There should be security there. Isn't it?

Hmm, what's this? A chocolate chip cookie? Ah, the kitchen staff are the best! I must remember to thank them later. (eats the cookie)

Hm. Strange president! He himself entered the kitchen??

Yes, I'm fine. (Begins to smile awkwardly) It's just this cookie was so good! Though it is very filling. Waiter!

The effect has started.

Take this cookie, please. It was very delicious but I am quite full.

They are controlling the president!

Mr. President? Are you sure?

I think Sir is better than Mr. President.

Overall, a very good act. Can't wait for the next.

Bye!!!!




MapleWay says...


Thanks for the great review!



MapleWay says...


The third and fourth act should probably be out later this week!



User avatar
879 Reviews


Points: 90983
Reviews: 879

Donate
Fri Mar 19, 2021 7:45 pm
View Likes
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi MapleWay and Spearmint!

The cookie is eaten and now I´m here for another review! :D

It was a pleasure to read the second act. The act has a very laid back, even more humorous vibe to it that just makes me smile. You can tell you put a lot of effort into it and you can tell you had your fun with it too. Am very interested to see what will happen now in the third act.

Just two comments about spelling. At the beginning the setting is described. There I think white house has to be written with capital letters, because it is a proper name. Likewise, in Surge's first (and only) dialogue at the beginning, president should also be capitalised, as it is also a kind of proper noun (President of the United States). In the first one, however, I'm pretty sure it has to be capitalised.

PRESIDENT
(talking to the guard) Oh, loosen up a bit! This guy's no trouble, he's totally not suspicious at all. Have a cookie!


I laughed more than I should have. That's the "he's definitely not suspicious" answer! :D


I read it through several times as I always imagined another (former) president eating the cookie and how he reacted. This has led to some funny results in my mind.


PRESIDENT
Perfect. Time to open some bakesales.


I can really picture him sitting there in the Oval Office, mouth-watering as he rubs his hands for another cookie.

I would continue with the current style you are using. It's hard to find something to change in a script because a lot of it is dialogue. A character would have to be very out of character for one to notice a change. The dialogues are written with a great lightness. That's why you should stick to your relaxed way of writing! I didn't really notice anything that should be urgently changed while reading.


I'm really curious to see what happens next. You've done a really great job of making me laugh. :D

Mailice.




MapleWay says...


Thanks so much for the review! Spearmint and I are working hard on it!



User avatar
93 Reviews


Points: 18
Reviews: 93

Donate
Fri Mar 19, 2021 12:11 am
MapleWay says...



Make sure to check out Act 1 if you haven't yet! (A Totally Not Evil) Bakesale, Act 1





Ghosts, demons, and ghouls cannot scare the cat's underling.
— TheMulticoloredCyr