1.
build metal cages in our bodies for our hearts.
don’t let a single hole become the window for the nation
to peek at them. we are ready; it isn’t.
2.
set up a secret passage between the cages.
it blends into the background like a chameleon during daytime,
but when the moon rules the sky, some of its light dropped
onto the pathway, igniting our method of meeting.
3.
design a third eye that serves like a camera, watching others,
ensuring the movement of their hands and mouths
has nothing to do with us.
4.
give the keys to our closest friends
and our parents (if they aren’t afraid of what
is in the dark) so that they can see the cores of our bodies
in the cages. after that, they can shake our
entwined hands. they can look away, but only after
burning the keys.
5.
let months passed by like the ticking of the clock
and after a year has passed, it’s time.
unlock the cage and let the nation to see
how its inside is not a prison, but a home.
a pattern of cupid’s arrow, mug of hot chocolate,
and winged moon painted the wall and floor.
when the nation sees this as an illusion,
that the cupid is the damning horned creature in disguise,
that the hot chocolate is mixed with alcohol,
and that the moon approves hushed sin, well,
6.
there’s a time when i consider an escape as a choice,
but we’ve gone too far. we’ve paved the way to our love.
if the nation wants to burn us for what we’ve done
no matter how many thousand ways we try to explain to it,
we’ll take it with us.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi Lightsong! I've been looking forward to reviewing this, and here I am! So, let's get to the review shall we?
One thing I like about your poetry is that it doesn't seem to like become stale - you don't just recycle the same thing over and over again, but as a reader I see growth and development.
My first critique is I think the title sounds a bit cliche or like too "lovey-dovey" for a poem that has all these layers about secrets and such...
I liked the format you used a lot. The lower case letters made everything seem more intent and mysterious and you weren't using sentences but commands or descriptions in a lot of the statments anyways so capital letters weren't necessary. I liked the numbers too because the interesting thing about this poem is that it wasn't delivered through a narrative. (ie. it didn't say, "one day I fell in love. Then the next day my love and I did this. Then I had a thought about that.") instead it had narrative draw and plot and conflict but these were expressed by phrases and statements and commands rather than just straight up prose. So the numbers sort of mimicked a list and highlighted the fact that the delivery was unique.
I also appreciated that all of the stanzas began with these half statement things where as a reader I didn't know what the noun was - mysterious. And it also highlights the theme which seems to be something about hidden love. Like these two people aren't allowed to be in love, or people wouldn't approve, so they have to live their relationship within these secret means. You build up this whole metaphor of caves with hidden doors and stuff which works as a really great physical emobodiement of what you're talking about. I enjoy the imagery that you used in describing the setting of this -- there was a lot to work with in the imagery that seemed symbolic like the "horned creature" (satan?) and the "winged moon" (angels? spirits?).
Another little critique is that a few times you use the word "it" and I had no idea what the "it" was -- was it the tunnel the relationship, both? or something else?
For me the poem seemed to have pretty good flow - even while not always using full sentences (which is hard to do! so kudos!) I did find there were a few lines that seemed a bit wordy, or had content that seemed insignificant. For instance in this line, "and winged moon painted the wall and floor." what does the detail of "and floor" add? We already get the image, why mention it twice? or these two lines: "and our parents (if they aren’t afraid of what/ is in the dark) so that they can see the cores of our bodies" also seem particularly wordy. I would go through and try to eliminate 2 or more words from each line if you can. Especially in a poem where you've committed to not writing complete sentences the whole time, I think an exercise like that can be really helpful to get at the core of the message and clear out anything that is just extra fluff.
Overall, I enjoyed the piece. It was intriguing, it was poetic, and it painted a dramatic story through this description of a hidden relationship. Well done!
As always, please let me know if you have any questions about my review!
best,
~alliyah
This poem was brought to you by Team Werewolves. Happy Review Day!
Hi there! Emo here for a review!
I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. It pulled me in and made me think about love in a much deeper way.
There were only minor issues I have with this poem. The numbers in the beginning of each stanza seem out of place. I think they should be removed.
Grammatically, I think it is well written. Aesthetically, keeping everything lowercase flows so well.
I really agree with Kara's (DemonGoddess) suggestions.
Keep writing! I love your work!
Hello Lightsong! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
1.{we} build metal cages in our bodies for our hearts.
don’t let a single hole become the window for the nation
to peek at them. we are ready; it isn’t.
2.set up a secret passage between the cages.
it blends into the background like a chameleon during daytime,
but when the moon rules the sky, some of its light dropped
onto the pathway, igniting our method of meeting.
3.design a third eye that serves like a camera, watching others,
ensuring the movement of their hands and mouths
{that} has nothing to do with us.
4.give the keys to our closest friends
and our parents (if they aren’t afraid of what
is in the dark) so that they can see the cores of our bodies
in the cages. after that, they can shake our
entwined hands. they can look away, but only after
burning the keys.
5.let months passed by like the ticking of the clock
and after a year has passed, it’s time.
unlock the cage and let the nation to see
how its inside is not a prison, but a home.
a pattern of cupid’s arrow, {a} mug of hot chocolate,
and {a} winged moon painted the wall and floor.
when the nation sees this as an illusion,
that the cupid is the damning horned creature in disguise, {Where I come from, "damning" is a swear}
that the hot chocolate is mixed with alcohol,
and that the moon approves hushed sin, {as well.}
6.there {was} a time when i consider an escape as a choice,
but we’ve gone too far. we’ve paved the way to our love.
if the nation wants to burn us for what we’ve done
no matter how many thousand ways we try to explain to it,
we’ll take it with us.
**cries** this is beautiful! The lines were split, but they did it in a way that didn't break up the flow at all. Amazing job, Lightsong!
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara