Ice Break

Light! <333

Alliyah covered grammatical blips and blorps, so I'm going to hone in on your delivery, flow, and your comparison request since I reviewed your other piece as well. If you want, take a break and go reread what I wrote there for reference.

I love this story--I'm a sap for romance--mostly because you explore these thoughts that are uncommon in normal displays of romance. By that I mean the sentiment "I knew you were a gem, but didn't know if you knew" sticks out to me in a good way, and while it's delivered roughly, it's a beautiful sentiment that sets up the framing beautifully because we immediately lock into that stage of mind where we know that you love this guy and want him to love himself as well--and that these two loves are equal in importance. That's my takeaway here.

This piece paints the love interest as a Type 2 on the Enneagram, I feel, meaning he gets his sense of completion and fullness by caring for others--notably you/the narrator (but you is easier to say.) The final stanzas give us this final bloom of the romance where both are fulfilled in public, but still with some regard to how others felt about it. Contrast this with Our Secret Dance, where the entire poem is framed by the feelings of controlling bodies, fear, and the abject secrecy with which they conduct their romance/relationship/sexuality.

Personally, I feel that Our Secret Dance had more nuance to it, while still exhibiting flaws in the execution of the contrast between the romance and fear, and pulls ahead of this piece slightly because of it. However, I would also venture to say that the two feel connected, but in reverse order as to how you've posted them, chronologically. That could just be me. So here you have sweet and fulfilled, and on the secret side you have fulfilled and fearful, where I believe the additional elements give it more contours to admire.

I hope this helps, Light. Hit me up if you wanna chat about it.
Ty

Hey light! Just going to leave a few thoughts here and there, sorry if it's a bit unorganized but please let me know if you have any questions.

Random Review Thoughts
So the opening stanza's a bit ordinary, but it is quite sweet and you set up some characterization and conflict right from the gate.

2nd stanza the metaphor of a "gem" is a bit used, not too unique. If you described the gem a bit more or extended the metaphor it might be more effective, but as is, doesn't quite blow me away as a reader. The 3rd line about laughter gets better, because here we have some specificity again (like in stanza 1).

In stanza 4 we move towards specificity again, and I like the idea of having all these questions behind the mind and then that manifesting itself in awkward interaction. That's a more unique idea than necessarily what the first stanza started with. You also added a bit of rhyme here I notice.

In the last two stanzas we really get to what seems like the heart of the poem, and the images you create are very sweet. I think it would be a strong addition to add some leftover thoughts about how the conflict resolved itself in those last two stanzas. Like if you could have a line about being sure and not being hesitant anymore that would be good.
I feel like the conflict resolved itself a bit quickly, we have all these stanzas about a speaker that can't make a move because they are so fearful of the reaction and then when the subject of their feelings makes the first move we don't really get to hear what that means in context of the preceding conflict.

The only real issue I have with the last two stanzas is that there are some awfully long lines that sort of disrupt the consistent flow of the piece, you might be able to break some of these up to make it a bit more consistent. But overall I think your stanza & line breaks made sense throughout.

Grammar Stuff
A few grammar things here and there (nothing major)

Line 2, Stanza 2: I think "were" should be "was" in " I didn't know if I were a gem"

In stanza 3 I think "sleeps" should maybe be singular, but I guess sometimes people do use "sleeps" plural? It just caught me off guard a bit.

Stanza 4 - I wonder if it should be "question marks" (plural) because in the stanza before it looked like the speaker had multiple questions.

Overall Thoughts
I enjoyed reading the piece, you create a nice little narrative with clear conflict and resolution in it. I think you have some phrasing at the end that is quite strong as well "when we reached / our destination, your steady heartbeats my lullaby".

Thanks for sharing!
~alliyah

This review courtesy of