Hello, Ley!
I have to say, this is an utterly gorgeous poem. I can't believe you have the audacity to say you're not really a poet and then bless YWS with something so full of feeling. The imagery is perfect and the enjambment adds to the atmosphere so well. I am in utter awe of this poem. I want to eat it. I'll take the more specific comments stanza by stanza. (Also, your cover art is so pretty)
Stanza One:
I love pairing the image of a butterfly with something that's rotting. It takes butterflies out of their usual innocent and pretty context but also adds this steep divide between what the speaker wants and what their reality is, an idea that fuels the following stanzas. It's a neat introduction to this concept.
Stanza Two:
Em-dashes my beloved. It adds a nice sense of drama to the stanza. This stanza feels incredibly relatable, like life just swallows you and takes you away from everything you've ever known, and one wrong step could end it all. Overall, it acts as a lovely transitional stanza for the most hopeless part coming soon.
Stanza Three:
Adding breathing room for your audience with this stanza was an excellent idea. The words flow gently, the images are serene. It feels like a dream, so readers will relax long enough for the heart-stomp that is the end. Because it is a dream, it was never meant to be reality. I also love the difference of not adding the refrain to the beginning to further cement this stanza as "other" and not quite part of reality.
Stanza Four:
And we've reached the end! It's quite a bitter taste, as things have only gone wrong for our speaker. I hope they can shake the wasps out of their head. They deserve a happy ending. They're trying their best.
Overall, I adore this poem, Ley. I have no tips for you today except to accept that you are an amazing poet. Do that, and it'll be perfect. Thanks for publishing; I enjoyed reading!
Happy Writing!
Wist
thank you herb *hugs*
Points: 14618
Reviews: 109
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