Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
A/N: Punctuation/grammatical choices (or a lack thereof) are poetic choices. This poem offers snapshots - love lines - of tender moments and tender thoughts about the relationship my husband and I share. Enjoy the cheese this Valentine's weekend...
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Hi Lavvie!
I'm here to repay the gift of a review
There’s so many lovely words!! I took “two glimmer” as a reference to eyes, and instead of understanding “oasis” as a physical place, I thought it meant safety/security. I read this as “two eyes glimmer, their iridescence safely bundled in a spreading oasis on sky-high/floating/puffy sheets”(this isn’t a suggestion, I just want to show how I understood it).
I also loved the repetition of the vowel sound “oo/u”(“cocooning”, “pooling”, “cumulus”), as well as “s” in “iridescence” and “oasis”. The poem is not limited to beauty on a page; reading it out loud also has a magical quality to it!
Your omission of periods throughout adds to the effect of snapshots and memories that don’t end but fade to the next. I noticed you tend to use “&” instead of “and”, and I was wondering whether there is a specific purpose to it?
Once again, the imagery and diction is stunning, and I get the feeling of being carried places but never really staying, this idea of a wandering home. I thought it was interesting that you used “lead-lined” to describe the travel trunk, and the only connection I can think of is that even Superman can’t see inside the trunk ;p
The alliteration you use is very subtle, but it’s pervasive and wonderful to hear! “Veritable travel trunk” is full of t’s, and “lead-lined” and “solid” tie the two stanzas together to make the snapshot more cohesive(I might be reading too much between the lines, but “oaken” and “coast” plus the w in “awash” and “swept” make the word “night” pop out even more, because it’s a different sound from everything else)(idk I just love spoken word
The alliteration is much more obvious here(almost a tongue twister for us American English speakers), so I’ll focus on other literary techniques. Using “breathless” and then separating your lines to give that same quality translates the voice onto the page for the reader, which is generally hard to do without using accent marks in structured poetry. Although some people might call this “freeform” poetry, there’s a lot of thought put into the structure of the lines and stanzas to portray the author’s intentions.
Your third line ends in a sigh, and it connects the poem with an overarching theme, which I interpreted to be wanderlust, almost, or maybe more accurately the bigness of everything in front of us. Also, you don’t specify who you are talking to in this stanza, so it could be directed at the other person in the poem or at the readers, asking them to reflect on their own experiences and find connections between them and the snapshots in this poem. You alliterate with both “i” sounds, and the “s” sound is great to end on because of its instability as a hard consonant. I probably spent a little too much of this review talking about alliteration, but I strongly believe sound is what makes poetry so wonderful to listen to, and you did a great job shaping this poem fully!
The only critique I have is that I’m not sold on the metaphor of “lovelines”; you talk about them being thick and thin, but I understood them more as connecting memories or places together, like drawing lines on a map.
I don’t want to ramble on for too long, so I’ll end here! This is a very elegant and graceful poem!
hey there ! stygianmoon17 here for a review
Let's jump in the grammar first,
I didn't see any typos, there's just this one sentence that didn't make much sense when I read it
"Like river water vapour in a February freeze"
Where something like "Like water vapour in a February freeze" or "like river vapour in a February freeze" would work better.
For punctuation, the last line with "and before us, vastness:" doesn't make much sense as this here : , is used before listing something. While in your sentence, it's the last line so quite logically there's nothing after. A full stop or just blankness would work better.
but that's pretty much it! this is a lovely valentine's poem and I am soooo jealous of your partner, because this is just sublime <3
Hey there, 1234 here to provide you with a very short perhaps a precise review. Ok so let's jump to the review.
I might be wrong but I think this line does not maje sense. If it would have been like water vapor in rivers in February freeze- then I think it somehow makes sense.
Overall I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks for such a beautiful poetry. Keep writing.
Bye!!!