I really enjoyed this poem. I think you did a good job portraying the nature of communication as an introvert in love, with more feelings than we necessarily know how to share. Especially when a relationship is new, or "inchoate" (nice word), it can be hard to know how much we should share without coming off as clingy or overly attached.I like your rhythm and cadence, and your stylistic choices as far as line breaks, punctuation, lack of capitalization, etc. serve the narrative well.The second half of the poem is the strongest, in my opinion. Your imagery is strong throughout but in the last two stanzas it really gives form to the sentiments you're expressing. I especially liked the "catching me" transition into the final short stanza. Generally this is the part of the poem where you want to give a simple, impactful finish. I think you succeeded here.If I were to give some criticism, I would say that the "barbedwireironviseglasscages" bit did trip me up on both the first and second readings. It is a nice touch once deciphered, but it does make me pause to decipher what it says, which interrupts the flow of the poem. Maybe you could try keeping the italics but putting this bit in parentheses with spaces in between the words:
the words hesitateon full lips parched by winter,stopping at the point where the(barbed wire iron vise glass cages)would shatter around my anxious heart
Gem here hopping out of her Jewelrybox for a review. A beautiful poem, very warm very sweet. It is as if we are there as if we see the raw emotion. I don't see any flaws in the piece and I don't intend to point them out really. This poem describes the deep underlying emotion that one in a relationship finds so hard to express even though they want to so deeply. The want to open your soul, when you are still very much afraid of leaving yourself vulnerable. Keep writing dear, it is a wonderful piece.This is Gem crawling back, exhausted, to her Jewelrybox. Have a great day/ night.
Hello Lavvie, Anarki here for a review!This a polished piece, the kind of poetic works of art which leave me thinking, "How did the poet achieve this? How did the poet make the message so clear yet still hidden? Did I really note everything the poet wanted the readers to take note of and, did I read it at the intended pace?"I love it. That about sums up everything. Now I'll just share my experience as I was reading this poem, hoping that even in the most remote way, it will be helpful.As I start reading the poem, I get the impression of someone who has a lot in his/her mind but is holding back. At "barbedwireironviseglasscages" I get a bit lost, try googling it, no meaningful search results. Then I proceed to my favorite part of the poem:
where therewould be no return (I fear) - but...
Hi Lavvie. I'm here for a review. And beautiful poem by the way.If start a stanza you must capitalize the first letter. And period after the each stanza is done. It was fine but from the fifth line you made each line too long. Please make one line contain little less information. And you can always use commas.Other than that it was amazing poem and it gave my heart a song to sing.>Keep on writing<Chris Dixon
This is honestly one of the most beautiful poems I have every read. Reading phrases like "moulding to the safe embrace and sweeping downturn of your smiling eyes" made me feel this overwhelming sense of peace and longing. I also really liked how you formatted the poem. It was obviously very intentional, and it definitely added to the piece. Keep writing!
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