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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi! Purple here to do some reviewing, and hoping we can help improve eachother's work here, haha Okay, so I think this is a really cool poem. It reminds me of some more abstract ones I've read about love and loss, where there's enough to get a feeling for what the writer is trying to say, but enough that is also more vague and veiled, in a way, that makes it feel special, as if this was written for a specific someone, if not the author themselves. It makes me think not just of other poems, actually, but of lyrics from one of my personal favorite artists, Death Cab For Cutie, and songs like Marching Bands Of Manhattan or Soul Meets Body.
Anyway, I don't really know what I would recommend, if anything, to improve on this. It was really grinding my gears to come up with something, maybe that one part, "a locket across aching, whole space"? I'm just not fully sure about the wording here (as in, a locket across an aching space? Heart? Soul?). However, that's a really little thing in comparison. I still think this is really good, and it feels really special as it is. I really like your use of metaphors, and imagining how this poem would look when put into picture, you know what I mean? I also like how there's so much symbolism around this color or concept of blue, with sky, space, oceans, and glass. Then the contrast of the amber knots and the locket, which seem to be a metaphor for something really important to the reader, really plays well into the theme. I can only guess what this poem is truly talking about, but I still get the message, and these feelings of love and loss, here.
With 5 being "very adequate", I think I would give this a score of anywhere from 9-10 out of 10? I think it's not just well-written, but very pretty, and very unique. Nice job!
Hiiiiii Lavvie! *attacks*
Okay, maybe I know too much about you (omg, how are you almost thirty now, you were a KID when we first met... we are so old, lol), but I think your beach/ocean metaphors land reeeeally well because they are so present and varied. Some of them are obvious, like when you talk about shoreside. But also, line and fishing are slightly more subtle metaphors that I love, especially since it is intertwined with so much action.
I love how the metaphors of space and sea kind of mix together and tumble about... it almost as if you were once caught in this great vastness together. So it's really cool because you talk about galaxies and blue glassy beads and it's almost like the whole thing shimmers with reflections and light.
Mind you, the one thing I didn't really get was the Roman metaphor. It was good, but also it seemed a little strange juxtaposed with everything else.
Still! I liked it overall. Nice job, Lavvie! Also, I'm glad you're writing again. <3
gorgeous <3
thank you <3