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for my father

by Lavvie

A/N: I've been working on this for a couple of weeks now and alliyah was kind enough to help me workshop it as well. I wanted to revisit and revise as much as possible before sharing here so now I look forward to reading your thoughts! Thanks in advance xx

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16 Reviews

Points: 21
Reviews: 16

Sat Apr 04, 2020 5:26 pm
koinoyokan wrote a review...

Hi Lavvie,

I just wanted to leave a review to say wow. You really have a good understanding of poetry and how to bend words for your own use. I think poetry succeeds best when you have to go back and reread lines or even the whole thing to start to create your own understanding of what is being said. And you definitely accomplished this here. The first line almost makes it sound like song lyrics. You have really unique use of word choice that I can get behind, there are only so many times I can red like blood or black as night. Subarctic gales is my personal favorite. I also can see how personal this is to you as it feels like your making references to things only you and your father would understand, and you don't make any effort to clue us in on the secret which I appreciate because it then gives me as the reader the chance to connect to the writing our own way and draw connections to our own experiences which can be taken away once the curtain is lifted in such poems.

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Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Tue Mar 31, 2020 5:10 pm
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jefina says...

Hey Lavvie,
This is my first review and your poetry is what appealed to me the most. It is an artistic approach and you started to weave the tale in such a manner that I read the whole poem craving for more. Amazing descriptions and lovely ways of expressing your emotions. Your vocabulary is quite the show-stopper and I hope you keep writing. Next time, I suggest you give a rhythm to your poetry.

I am a poet as well, and understanding that your emotions are expressed diversely you should try to grasp attention with your flow of words. I really enjoyed reading your poem.

Marvelous work, keep writing!!!
-Jefina Ajai

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37 Reviews

Points: 2848
Reviews: 37

Tue Mar 03, 2020 9:16 am
ChrisDixon wrote a review...

Hey Lavvie. I'm here to review.

First of all, your peoms is beautiful and I love it. I want to read more of your works. I think no one could write a peom this good like you did. And by the way lovely title.

I want to suggest you that you should go to to next line after putting a comma. So it's easier to read and less crowded. You've wrote great words to describe and I want other YWS to understand how beautifully it shines.

I like it how you say"Choleric tear" rather than just "tears", which what most people do.

Some parts in the poetry has periods when you could have just wrote commas. Such as this part "Do not go so far." Maybe you could write "Do not go so fat, Rivulets run Richter-red in manual track, you child trembles with her heart in you hands.

You really have good grammer in writing, but I just want to say you don't have to use conjuctions in poetry. Like "and your child tremble with her hearts in you hands."

And you don't have to use semi-column in poetry. Like you did here "Legands tells of ancestors hiding corvid feathers."

If I am wrong please tell me. (I hope not)
No offense.

Thank you. I you made my day.

Keep on writing.

>Chris Dixon

Lavvie says...

Hi Chris! Thanks for your review. I understand that there are a lot of different views about the inclusion of punctuation or not. In this case, putting commas after each line would actually be grammatically incorrect (especially if you were to format this as prose). However, some poetry has no punctuation at all and this is often done on purpose by the writer. I would suggest that you read this really useful article on punctuation in poetry: Punctuation in Poetry.

I'm glad you enjoyed my poem!

"I'd be a quote vigilante. A literary Batman. Someone had better be quoting me now!"
— Feltrix