a question

Hi, Lavvie. I'm here for a review.

You are amazing, I've read your peoms and all of them are prodigious. And you know what that's just what I think of my path, "a destination and zero purpose" I know that's not true, but I always come to think that way.

I have a question too(a question). Why is there a small word at right that says "despression"?

Wonderful poem to read and I think you only have few mistakes. Tell me if I have amused what's wrong or if I made a mistake. (Then I aplogize.)

All the "i"s in the poems are not capitalized, please do capitalize them.

I too, don't think grammer is that improtant in poetry. But you always need commas in peoms. Especially if you are repeating the same words again to discribe a sound. "hitting hitting hitting hitting" could be a example.

Usually you don't use conjunction in poetry, but you need one if you are using a word more than once to make a sound. "hitting hitting hitting hitting" would be better if you write it "hitting, hitting, hitting and hittling."

And at this part you need commas "sinking, swaying, sobbing".

I'm don't like grammers so I wasn't going to tell you that. But I want to be helpful reviewer.

No offense.
I enjoyed reading it.


-Keep on writing


Yours truly, Chris Dixon

Ah this was unexpected and heart-catching! Love this poem Lavvie, it's a creative take on depression, which is a topic like food-poisoning that people are sometimes hesitant to dive into and express and you absolutely nailed the word flow.

I sort of wish the food metaphors made a more logical link to the experience of depression - you got unsettling/uneasiness in the first stanza, but I think you could have made the links a bit clearer in the second stanza - even if the links had to be whimsical. I was thinking the last line was going to be "shrimp served with tails still attached to oceans" - which would link into a sort of sinking/lost/unattached feeling. I love the phrase "ocean eggshells" all the same though.

I think the last two lines are vulnerable, and I like that you chose not to end on any punctuation, which for me drove the point home. But I don't feel like those last two lines which feel like the conclusion of the poem are supported completely by the rest of the piece.

So far I interpret the poem as: I'm uncomfortable and uneasy, and I don't know why, I feel sadness in my body, in my gut, does this sadness have any "meaning" or is it food-poisoning/depression, it's relentless, it's sour, it's like walking on egg shells, I don't know where I'm going or what my purpose is" -> I liked that poem progressed from uncomfortable to more of the root of their expressed pain, so it increased in importance and drama. But I just wish there were some roots of purposelessness or lack of direction in the first two stanzas to get us to the final two lines.

Depression is so complex, to try to cover all aspects of it in a short poem is likely not going to work - so I would try to grab one aspect of it, and really focus the piece on that. Then again, maybe the poem was purposefully unfocused to highlight the lack of destination the speaker is feeling.

Overall, this is a really well written and interesting poem. It gives a window into mental-illness, which I think is a really important poetic-venture as well - so thank you for writing and sharing!

all the best,

alliyah

Very interesting and intense poem here. As a fan of Thai food myself, I found it very poignant that you drew a connection between suffering at the hands of something as simple as food and the pain that accompanies depression and all of its own detriments.

Your use of alliteration and repetition are what really stand out to me, though. I like that the second line of the poem has such assonance. Furthermore, the second stanza's repetition of the word "hitting" only emphasizes the feeling of perhaps being overtaken by the physical hurt of a bout of sadness and depression. These literary decisions really tie the poem together for me.

The last stanza is the most intense of all, though I do feel like we could have benefited from a bit of a transition between the Thai food metaphor and the dismaying nihilism that accompanies the speaker's struggles with depression. Though the poem ends on a strong note, I personally think it's a bit jarring to jump right out of the metaphor and back into the void of depression.

As a whole, this is a very thoughtful and intentional poem. The conciseness works in your favor, with the exception of the need for a bit of a transition between the end of the metaphor and the return to depressive language at the end.

Write on! <3

Hey there!! Its been awhile but its ScarredSecrets, back for another review!

I absolutely love this poem. The all lowercase text really brings the..aesthetic into play. As a big foodie, I love all the food involved. Even though I'm not a big Thai or seafood person, i still love the relevance of the food. It is a short poem but it is packed with underlying thought. The way you split the lines up is amazing as well.

oh. this is...interesting.

and i haven't read interesting in a very long time.

the interesting part of it comes from the dichotomy of comparing your physical symptoms of anxiety to food poisoning and its cause versus the last two lines, so startlingly and to the point, devoid of anything except express hopelessness.

the formatting of the poem, with the word 'depression' isolated and minimized, is a profound metaphor for how depression is indeed viewed in societal terms - a small, insignificant thing that in reality has overwhelming consequences.

in a way, the almost nonsensical parts of this poem are what tie the meaning in. it strikes a chord with me whose definition escapes me, but i see it and i recognize it through this poem.

as well, i really love the alliteration in the second line. not only is it fun, it accurately describes the way depression feels.

i love everything about this poem and i think you really hit it out of the park with this one. my only critique really is the sudden change of course from the middle of the poem to the last stanza. like i said before, it's startling and confusing, and in some ways that works in your favor and in other ways it doesn't. it's worth playing around with if you want to.

overall, pretty great. good job.

keep writing,

k.s.k

Hi there! Vagrant here for a succinct review.
Firstly, I had mixed emotions after reading the poem. Personally, I was slightly lost in the middle of the poem, but you managed to get me back in the last stanza. I think, overall, the poem does get successful in conveying the right emotions and that's what ultimately matters.

I like that the poem has used fast food to symbolize different anxious feelings.

I have a positive outlook on the structure and I like the writing style.

All in all, an interesting read, great work!
Cheers!