A/N: This is not the original version. My first and best draft was accidentally deleted before I could back it up. :( This one isn't as good, but I tried to save what I could from the far reaches of my memory. I hope I didn't completely ruin it...
I wanted to fill you up,
But U is an open shape.
If U were to be filled,
You would spill out,
And lie among the dust,
And lose that glittering shine.
That shine was the thing I first noticed when I saw you,
Lying at the bottom of the riverbed.
You sparkled like early morning dew kisses on rose petals,
Like summer's first gentle sigh,
And the way my heart sparked at that first glance.
But as I soon found,
You were empty,
Broken,
Incomplete,
Unable to be filled,
And as I poured out my love for you
You poured it right back into the mud.
And so you sink,
Fade away to lie once more
At the bottom of the riverbed.
Shine on, my love.
Shine for all you're worth.
It's all you have left.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
"And lie among the dust," --> I'd get rid of the comma. That's more of a personal preference though.
You've captured the necessities of poetry (good rhythm, nice imagery, very lyrical in feeling, but still able to intimate a story to the readers, which is always a nice bonus in poetry). At first when I saw the 'U', I though it was corny and cheesy, but it definitely grew on me as the poem continued.
"You sparkled like early morning dew kisses on rose petals"--> for some reason, I can't explain why, I really love this line. It builds in a most excellent way.
"You poured it right back out into the mud" --> I know it's supposed to add enough repetition, but I might take the 'out' out; I think you get the repetition without it and it just doesn't really fit as well as it should.
"And so you sink,/Fade away to lie once more" --> Your tenses aren't really agreeing here. Sank is it? Maybe sunk, but I'm pretty sure sank is correct.
The last stanza, with its three short lines, is beautiful. There's something final about it that I really enjoy.
Maybe 'For All You're Worth' would be a better title? Or "The Bottle" (or whatever the metaphor is; I think it's a bottle or a bowl of some sort, though I wish it was clearer and if it was the title, that would clarify.
Loved the piece; really good.
-tgirly
HOLY SHAMOLY, lol. THAT was an awesome poem. I don't think I can suggest fixing anything.
but I am left to wonder how your original poem might have sounded like? A title suggestion?
I would say hmm, maybe "You Spilled and sunk"? The title could be more abstract or something like that other than that you got a great poem here!