This isn't exactly my best piece, and I don't know why I published it, so please don't judge my worth as a writer by this poem alone. Thanks! :)
.
.
I run,
I jump,
I fly over obstacles.
Nothing can keep me back.
Until
You come,
With that crazy story of yours-
A story of wealth,
And power.
I give in.
I let go.
I lose sight
Of the goal,
And it shatters
Into a thousand bits.
I cry.
I run,
I jump,
I fly over obstacles.
Too late.
It's gone.
The wind sweeps away
All the shattered bits.
A new dream arises
From among the crushed pieces,
So I run,
I jump,
I fly over obstacles.
Nothing can hold me back,
Until
You come along,
With that crazy story of yours.
Here we go again.
I hate you, world.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
i loved it
This, to me, has a double meaning. On the first read through I thought od it as dreams, in the sense of sleeping. In this sense I really related to it, in ways in which, in hindsight, may have not been deliberate. In this way I saw it as the incaptureable freedom of dreams,
(I run
I jump,
I fly over over obstacles (by the way, I really like the "I + movement verb repetition)),
and the the pulling back of reality, either the alarm clock, or as summed up in the last line, "I hate you, world"
However looking at the other reviews I discovered that this could be dreams as in asparatitions. Wow!
In conclusion your writing is fine (despite earlier criticism, I think in poetry you can hit spacebar as much as you like), no errors I can see, but then again I can't spell well, and a lovely double meaning.
Hope this is helpful,
Take That You Fiend!
Thank you, I really appreciated you taking the time to read and review this!
Your welcome!
This poem really spoke to me. There aren’t very many poems out there that I really connect to, but this is one of them. It flows really well without having to rhyme, and uses short lines to move the poem along quickly without losing a person’s interest. Usually I enjoy rhyming poems over non-rhyming ones, but this one was different. I enjoyed the imagery you used to convey the message, especially when you repeated lines, which kind of tied it all together. I could imagine myself in that situation, and I have had those exact same feelings before. The end really wrapped up the poem nicely. Keep writing!!!
Thanks so much!
Ahoy there, Lily.
I feel like many people can connect to the idea presented in this piece. I myself have fallen victim to distractions.
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
Your piece is filed under "humor." To me, this poem isn't humorous. You're talking about your dreams being swept away. That's not all that funny. If you're referring to the end, it doesn't come off as funny, just whiny and silly. I wouldn't file it under humor.
The next thing I'd like to talk to you about is detail. I want specifics. I want specific obstacles that make you turn away from your goal. And what is your goal? Don't be vague.
That's not detailed at all. What is the story of wealth and power? Tell me the story. Distract me from my goal, too.
Use more varied vocabulary. "I run" is not exactly an electrifying sentence or image.
This should be a bigger moment. Use images to give it a fanfare. Sometimes ideas can enter the party sneakily through the garage door, but this one is not supposed to enter that way. This idea is a raving homeless man, banging on the door of the white-columned house on the corner of 2nd street, screaming for food in fragments of poetry. Now see that imagery I gave you, just about an idea? Give me images and metaphors to enforce the importance of this idea. You don't have to be personally specific, just metaphorically specific.
Your line breaks make this choppy. Don't hit enter every time you want a pause. That's what commas are for.
I hope that this was helpful to you. Happy writing.
Thanks for the review. The idea I was trying to convey here is that a person abandons their dreams to chase the chance of being famous or rich, like getting a high-paying job that they hate, just so they can be popular and powerful, when in reality it's just there to taunt them and trow them off track. I think it's important to pursue happiness, not money, and with this poem I was trying to show that if you lose sight of the goal, it always ends the same way. Also, I was trying to leave it vague and general so the reader could think of their own hopes and goals.