Where sunlight dances,
And the sky is bright and blue,
Where the robin sings and the river rushes-
That is where I wait for you.
.
Don’t cry, my dear friend,
For now I dance among the stars.
Don’t grieve for me, little one,
For soon we shall dance together.
.
In a land of joy,
All pain is washed away,
All sorrow left behind-
Together, my sister, we will reach the stars.
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Canary word: Present
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125,443 Literary Works • 672,931 Reviews
I totally didn't almost cry when I read this. Nope. Not one single tear formed in my eye.
Hello DragonLily! Clarity here to review this for you!
I really like your idea behind this poem, it's very... close to the heart so to say. I can definitely see how this poem could affect people, in a good way. It's the type of poem that makes good memories resurface after they've been buried for so long.
I only really have one little thing that bothers me throughout the whole poem, which is the contractions you use. I think this poem would flow much more gracefully and beautifully if you removed the contractions and used the original wording. For example: "That is where I wait for you." sounds a lot more... personal than "That's where I wait for you." Do you see what I mean? Also, the "we'll" contraction works, so that one doesn't bother me, but you could change it to "we shall"; "we will" still sounds a little informal.
One other thing is that you only use a rhyme scheme in your first stanza; the second and fourth lines rhyme at the end. This could have been done for a reason, and if so I would love to know what that reason is.
The actual content of your poem is magnificent. I enjoyed reading it immensely. It is written describing something sad, yet you have used generally positive words to convey how sad this actually is. This, I admire you for. The story you tell through your words is one of loss, yet gain and it's simply wonderful.
The last line was actually both my least and most favourite part of the poem. It is my least because of the "my friend" yet it is a wonderful way to close the poem.
"my friend" seems like a rather... dull way to end the poem. You used a sister as the recipient earlier on in this poem, and I would have preferred to see something as precious as that again. Yet saying that, it was also my favourite line simply because it shows how death isn't a negative thing. It's a way to carry on living, even if they're not in our actual presence.
Overall, this was a wonderful poem, thank you for writing it.
I wish you the best with future writing, Happy Review Day and Happy YWSing,
-Clarity.
Thanks for reviewing! The original rhyme wasn't intended, it just kind of snuck it's way in there... I wasn't really writing about anybody in particular, so I guess referring to the person in a few different terms was my way of generalizing the message. Would it sound better if I switched the positions of "sister" and "friend"?
I'm glad you liked it.
I think it'd look better if you addressed the whole poem to one person. So either to a friend, or a sister. I reckon it has a larger effect if it's addressed to someone special.
If I first say friend, then sister, would that imply that the friends are really close, or would that just confuse people?
It does look better like that. So that works.
Hi,
This is the second piece I read from you and once again... I loved it!
When I started reading it I had forgotten about the title; so it wasn't adding up yet. As soon as the second stanza came, my head titled to the side and I just said, "Aww" because it truly touched my heart.
It was really sweet, and once in a while it's nice to look at a different aspect of death, a brighter one. I think what was most effective in this poem was the fact that you balanced the sadness and joy of it perfectly, leaving the reader with a slightly confused yet wondering mind... In fact I'm still unsure whether I am happy or sad after having read it!
Merry Christmas!
Thanks so much!
Hey there! AlexSushiDog here to review your poem!
First off, I really like how sweet this poem is, it sounds like a real bright poem and actually made me feel happy reading it! You described another way of looking at death; the happy way in a very expert way! Love it! You also have included all (from what I can see) the major grammar points of a poem very well!
I actually can't see much wrong with this! Just keep on writing more poems like this!
See ya!
Thank you!
Hello DragonLily! I'm Griffin, pleased to meet you! Here to review this lovely piece of yours.
First off, I enjoy the refreshing change of a happy poem for once. I appreciate your view of death, how it is not always a horrible thing, but can be bitter sweet. I also like how the poem is from the point of view of the deceased, whom is actually peaceful. It made me feel calm. I like it.
From a rhythm and rhyme standpoint, however, I was a little confused on what you were aiming for. The first stanza,
The second and fourth line rhyme, so I got the impression that that would continue throughout the poem. Turns out I was wrong, and that confused me. I wasn't sure if you were going for a free-style format or actually wanted some flow, some rhythm in there. That's just me.
Another comment; I noticed that there were no periods throughout your entire poem. This is completely fine, it is totally the author's choice whether or not to, but I think it would be cool if you put a period at the very end,
to give the poem a sense of closure. It may just be me, but without a period I felt left hanging. It's still totally up to you, though.
This poem left me wondering who the narrator is, and who they are talking to. They refer to the person as "my sister" and "my friend", so is it a family member or two really good friends? I enjoyed the fact that the poem didn't blatantly state this info, so I don't think you need to change that at all.
Overall, I liked this poem, though I feel it could be longer. It had good figurative language and descriptions. I feel like it could be improved upon, but it was great just the same. Thank you for writing this.
Keep writing and being amazing!
~GC
Thanks for the review!