Because - Chap. 8

by KJ

Published October 22, 2008

In Because

DELETED

Comments & reviews · 7
User avatar
Merry_Haven
Review
Merry_Haven wrote a review Review · Dec 4, 2008

KJ-
Wow another amazing chapter! I knew that the football scene would pop up.

You know, I never knew that Becca had a brother. James.

Okay, there's something going on with Mr. Sheldon. And Ann, too. I want to know!

Oh, I also want to know about why Ann frowned. But I think I can tell why.

Well, I need nine, right now. Bye...

-Merry

User avatar
Sheik
Review
Sheik wrote a review Review · Nov 25, 2008

You have done a very, very, very good job with the flashbacks. :)

They are not too much and yet, not too little. You are balancing the present and past very well. :D

I also love your descriptions. They are very vivid and enjoyable. :lol: Mr. Sheldon is still a creep. . . . .but he's also really cool. :P

Moving on, then. . . . .*runs off*

User avatar
KJ
Comment
KJ commented Comment · Oct 23, 2008

Everyone:

Thanks for the feedback. I'll be sure to edit as soon as I've finished the book (Getting close!).

And Olivia: Wow, I think your comment is the most flattering I've ever received :) So again, thanks.

User avatar
olivia1987uk
Review
olivia1987uk wrote a review Review · Oct 22, 2008

Hey! As far as I'm concerned, this just piece just keeps getting better and better! Although, the chapters are rather short....Have you considered contacting some agents about this? I'd seriously have a think about it if I were you! You've had a pretty thorough review already and I can't even find anything else say that isn't praise! Good job my dear, good job!

Angel of Death wrote a review Review · Oct 22, 2008

Another great chapter KJ!! Thanks for telling me it was posted. I just watched Prom Night, and I think you mentioned that you got the inspiration from that movie for this story. Just to let you know, this story is way better than the movie. I like how you're describing and the flashbacks really strengthen the plot. Keep up the good work,
~Angel

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WrittenSoul
Review
WrittenSoul wrote a review Review · Oct 22, 2008

That was really good! I'm trying to find errors, but it's really hard to find anything-which is good, because that means you didn't make any easily noticed mistakes, if any!
Okay, here, I did find something: (Yay! Time for me to be picky! haha)

The sky was dark, no stars to be seen, and I looked up at as I sat between two of my friends.

I think you meant for it to read:
The sky was dark, no stars to be seen, and I looked up at it as I sat between two of my friends.

And here:
The game and the players down on the field were on a timeout, and the girl on my left, Brittany, I think, elbowed me.
Okay, what's with the "I think"? I don't know, it just seems a little odd that your m.c. wouldn't know who was sitting beside her, seeing as you also mentioned before about her sitting between her two friends, so maybe try changing it to
The game and the players down on the field were on a timeout, and the girl on my left, Brittany, elbowed me.
Just a thought.
And finally:
I shift feet, awkward and uncertain.
You forgot this:
I shifted my feet, awkward and uncertain.

Other than that, I couldn't find anything else, so good job!
I can't wait until you post the next chapter-they all have me hanging on the edge of my seat! Keep up the good work!



"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
— Albus Dumbledore