Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,463 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
Hey KJ, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
Would someone really say that unless they were taking the mick?
Night sky is purple. Or orange. In New York it's probably almost definitely orange.
Some italics wouldn't go amiss to show where she's putting the emphasis.
You mean he hasn't, at this point as a new teacher, been glancing at each student when they reply to put a face to the name? Think about it.
The "for you" isn't working for me.
II. OMG HOT HOT HOT HOT.... YAWN
Okay, I should probably let you know... remember how I said how I hated obsessive heroine? Guess who her best friend is? Amazingly good-looking guy, that's who! Yes, he may be good looking, but you don't need to mention it more than once. Since you've done so in dialogue, don't do so in description. Be careful talking about how amazingly good-looking he is, else you'll have an Edward Cullen case on your hands.
III. OVERALL
I like the flashback style, certainly. And your story looks to be pretty interesting. Just be careful of making him too great, is all (that counts great in her eyes and a perve in everyone else's. Still counts).
Hope I helped!
-Stella.
Very good. I was basically on the edge of my seat. Kepp it comign. Liek I said before, this has some serious potenial to it.
Tatra:
Thanks a lot for the past two reviews. They were excellent, and you made some good points
Hope you enjoy the rest.
Another great chapter, adding more mystery even as you explain some things. I love how their first meeting was so simple, so disarming. And I love how your character continues to keep what changed in the dark.
I love this part, because her first part within the classroom seemed so normal, just another regular day at class. Then this breaks in and reminds the readers that this guy will change her. Has already started to change her. It all shows really great contrast between who she was before and after.
Heath kind of disappears after this and we have no idea where he is in the classroom. Is he standing in front of her? Is he sitting next to her, behind her? I just think that small detail needs to be mentioned, because I kind of got the first impression that he was standing in front of her and then he just disappears. Of course, the entire classroom seems to disappear when Mr. Sheldon starts talking.
I like how it went from intense first meeting, when he said her name, to backing up a few moments in time to when he was calling out other people's names. A nice step back to fully appreciate the moment and how simple that moment was.
I really like your descriptions here, how you feed us what Mr. Sheldon looks like a bit at a time and how her obsession keeps growing. Yet, he doesn't see her just yet. And it really makes you want to figure out what changed right after reading how he looked away, yet your character keeps us in the dark.
Simply amazing. It explains who this 'he' that is coming for her in the first chapter is, but yet it doesn't explain why he got so obsessed with her. It shows how changed she ended up to be, yet we still don't know how she got to be at that point. And we all can't wait to see how it happens.
I'm off to go read the next chapter!
I understood that from several points, but regardless, tense has to be consistent.
Telling a story in past and present tense gets confusing to the reader.
Can she not instead say, "It was odd; I found it easy to remember the planes and angles of his face, and the deep timbre of his voice, but I couldn't quite recall the vivid memory of our first moments." ?
It's not that different from what you said, but the tense is consistent. Which is nice for the reader and for clarity.
JC:
Just thought I should explain, in case you read/edit further chapters and notice something like this again. Becca is, in fact, telling YOU, the reader, her story. There is a Prologue I haven't posted that makes this evident, and that's my fault that it hasn't been made clear.
Just so you know. Thanks for the edits, and hopefully hear from you again.
The rest of the chapter is past tense, and this is present.
I like the placement of this much better, but think you should take out the comma. It flows better that way, in my opinion.
Again, with the comma.
The lines of the paper. It's an awkward rhythm. Maybe try something like:
Ink on lined pages seemed to swallow me, require all of my attention.
Or something like that, you know. Make it more clear that she means writing, and not just a weird obsession with lined paper.
_______________________________
Character:
This shows her character a lot better than last time. She actually has some interaction with the other characters, which is great. Do more with that.
Plot:
Again, you grew more here. I loved what you added with the cheerleading section. it's a nice contrast to her change, and who she is while still adding a bit of spice. It's like seasoning. You can have perfectly good mac & cheese, add some salt and have an amazing dinner. It's all in the details, kid. Keep it up
Overall:
Yes, there were a few small errors, but our job as a writer is rarely ever finished. There's always more to be done. The amazing part is being able to look back and see how far you story has come from draft one to draft five or six. ha ha. Just those seemingly small changes you've made have made this story that much better.
Keep up the good work, KJ
-JC
*Edited yet again*
Thanks for all suggestions, people
The fragmented sentences in this first paragraph aren't as much dramatic for me as...fragmented. I would suggest combining some of these sentences to make it flow better and add to the clarity.
Another thing; It states here that the beginning was fuzzy, but you go on later in the chapter to describe it. Sure you say things like "think" and "wasn't sure", but you still describe it pretty clearly. I think it would be better to say that it was a blurry, but memorable beginning.
This isn't a stand alone paragraph. So it should be part of the paragraph above.
This goes back to what I said earlier about you saying it was a fuzzy beginning, and then describing- in vivid detail- the events. Even saying the, "I think" doesn't take away from the fact that your character was able to describe it.
I think this would be better if her friend was already there with her and you were showing this as it happened. Show, don't tell. The basic rule in writing with which many a writer has had great difficulty.
Remember what I said about the comma thing in the last chapter? Same thing here, after irritated there shouldn't be a comma.
#1- Most people don't speak in roman numerals. In dialogue, it would be said as, "Journalism One," not "Journalism I" as in Journalism me. Does that make sense?
#2- I love this description, it's beautifully written. But again, how does she remember this with such clarity if it's a fuzzy memory?
The wording here is quite awkward. I had to read it a few times to see what you really meant.
________________________________________________________________________________
Character:
I think your character actually took a step back here. There was more telling, and less emotion. What emotion you did have was great, and because you have such a talent for the portrayal of emotion, put more of it in, because this is almost all tell and we lose a lot of your characterization in that.
Plot:
Moving forward, which is great. I, too, am a big fan of the whole 'forbidden love' thing. I cant wait to see how this all plays out.
Overall:
While you did move forward in the lot, I think you hit the characters emotions and voice much better in the last section. So I would say that while more physically happened in this chapter, I preferred the last section because it made me feel closer to the character and more attached to her.
Keep up the good work!
-JC
KJ-
Whoa, I think I can totally guess what's going to happen. But I like to see if my guess is wrong.
Again, like I said in the first chapter...excellent! I can say no more. -- Another good thing.
Can't say much. I really want to read more.
-Merry
~I love your writing!!~
Mnesomeye:
Unfortunately, this story does not end entirely happy. So if you like happy endings... that sucks
And I'll have to check out that book. Thanks for the recommendation.
Oh, and by the way... I like forbidden love, too!
Thanks for reading.
*READS ON* xD
I LOVE stories about... well, what I like to call "Forbidden Love". Things that aren't normal, looked down upon by society, dangerous, whatever. Homosexuality for instance (although why some people still 'look down upon it', I do not know), student-teacher relationships, relationships between people more than a decade apart.
Have you read Love Lessons by Jacqueline Wilson? I hate all her earlier stuff because it's so same-y: sappy, predictable and ALWAYS with a happy ending. Her recent stuff is, although I hate to admit it, pretty damn good. Especially Kiss *swoon*
Wait. What am I on about? .....oh yeah. Forbidden love. *laughs* I can't give this a review because I genuinely see nothing wrong with it. I'm itching to keep reading. In fact--
*rushes off to next chapter*
Hair dark as night, pale skin that was clear and beautiful, and eyes so penetrating and sharp that they shook me to my core.
I'll let you know when I remember. 
Whoa. Excellent description there. It helps me picture him vividly.
This is getting more and more interesting. The story seems a little creepy but good too. It reminds me of something else, but I can't put my finger on it.
I like the ending sentence. It says a lot. I also like that you're still building everything up. Some books I have read get to the point much too fast or too slow. Your pace is excellent so far.
Moving on, then. . . . .
Hey, Kels!
You are doing so well with this whole piece. Every sentence is vivid and that's saying something since most authors these days struggle with that. But you are doing this beautifully.
All I did was copy/paste your story and I all my comments are in bold, corrections in red.
The way it all began was pretty fuzzy for me. It was odd; I could remember the planes and angles of his face, and the deep timbre of his voice, but I couldn’t quite recall the memory of our first moments. How I drew him in so drastically, so permanently. After he discovered me, nothing else seemed to matter to him. His job, his very life. I was his life.
A fact he didn’t keep from me, after the first three weeks. This is kind of oddly worded...maybe try something like: After the first few weeks, he could no longer deny this fact. or something like that.
The first time I saw him was in the Journalism classroom. lol. You're in Journalism right now...hmm...*winks* He sat at his desk, looking down at an attendance sheet, I think. Nothing happened in the instant I laid eyes on him. He was a teacher; I was a student excited about the class.
I chose a desk near the front, eager to begin. I had always loved writing, and the opportunity to get better only heightened my anticipation. My best friend Ann sat next to me.
She said something like, “Have you looked at that piece of meat? Hot!” Taking out my notebook, I ignored her; Ann had always had a flare for the dramatic, and she thought almost every guy was hot. Even my own father. Whoa...ick, that's sick!
“Who?” another girl asked, plopping down on my other side—I can’t remember who.
Ann licked her lips. “Mr. Sheldon,” she purred. She glanced again at the teacher sitting at the desk, and smiled when he glanced up. He looked back down again, not noticing.
But that brief glimpse I’d caught of his face made my stomach drop. For once, I had to agree with my best friend. He may have been the most gorgeous teacher I’d ever seen. Hair dark as night, pale skin that was clear and beautiful, and eyes so penetrating and sharp that they shook me to my core.
Ann and the other girl giggled about him as more students filed in the room. I worked to control my sudden anxiety, and studiously wrote my name on the inside of the notebook cover.
“Hey.”
Irritated, and relieved at the distraction, I turned my head to look at Heath, my ex-boyfriend. “Hi.”
I think he commented on the football season—typical—and after that, Mr. Sheldon stood. Instantly, the girls in the room silenced. The boys leaned back in their seats, already bored.
The sound of his voice rooted me to the spot, that first time. Another oddly worded sentence. Try something like: The first time he spoke, he rooted me to the spot. or something similiar. “Welcome to Journalism I,” he said to all of us, a small smile on his lips. I couldn’t help but notice that they were perfect lips; not too thin, not too full. He had a small dimple in his left cheek, and it only served to enhance his looks.
“I’m Will Sheldon Do teachers really tell you their first name in first introductions...?, and this is my first year here at your school.” He went on, talking about what we were going to do in the class—I can’t remember what—and what he expected of us.
Then he took up attendance. The moment he said my name is what I remember with the most clarity, the moment when he first looked at me. I listened to his voice say my name with polite briskness, and tried to smother the silly butterflies inside me.
“Shawn Matthews?”
“Yeah.”
“Paul Anderson?”
“Here.”
And then, “Rebecca Chapman?” Chapman?? Isn't that Lizbeth's last name?? lol
In a voice carefully composed, looking down at my notebook again, I said, “Here.”
He glanced at me.
And looked away.
Marking me present, he continued down the list. And that was why I remembered that instant so vividly, why it was one of my clearest memories. Because just then, I was only a student to him. No one special, no one worthy of a lingering glance.
So how had it all begun?
For you, that remains to be seen.
Whoa, what an ending sentence, kels!
Keep it up!
Wow. I'm very impressed. Another nearly flawless chapter. There really isn't anything wrong with it, at least, that I can see.
Great job.
-Venom
Hey
Really liked chapter 2...preferred it to chapter one but I did find one typing error that noone else seems to have picked up on!
It's just something minor and easily corrected...filed should be filled so try and edit that as soon as possible...wll go read chapter three now!
See ya in a bit!
KJ,
Ello! How’re you on this lovely, lovely day? Hopefully well (:
Anyway, my line-by-line critique is, for all purposes and intents, inexistent. Nothing. I guess I could ramble on and on about that, but I’ll end here - well done.
As for the story itself - wonderful, too. Creepy, but wonderful. And scary. But nice. This piece really has my attention, and hopefully that will continue.
Hmm. Extremely helpful critique, no?
Cheers,
Esme
OMG!!!
Hey KJ!!
Again you write a story that always has me thirsting for me. Gosh, I wish I could switch places with Rebecca. Journalism is a great class, and having a hot teacher to ogle at is all the more a bonus. Well anyways, yes this was short but you summed up quite a lot of things that left people questioning in the last chapter. I kinda sorta see where this was going, but as always, I know you'll take this huge unexpected turn. This was great and I hope you continue with this.
~Angel
Wow. This is really good. It still leaves the reader hanging and mysterious. I really liked it alot. So now we know that the guy in the first chapter was the teacher, am I right? Keep me updated when you write more. Sorry I don't have anything to criticize, but I'm still digesting the story...