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139,463 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
*EDITED*
Again. Sigh.
Stella:
Thank you. You're magnificant. Some good food for thought, and you pointed out some thigns no one else did. How do you do it?
GIVE ME MORE, missy!
Hey KJ, Stella here, as requested! Okay, so I'm guessing you want me to take a look at the edited versions, right? Here goes!
I. NITPICKS
Here's a thought, people like to sit at the back of the room. Not to be all rebellious or anything, they just do. Perhaps corner would sound better? Although people sit in the corner too... hm... it's just something to chew on.
Do you mean, like, on holidays? Or do they keep moving, in which case, where is home?
I reckon capitalize the t on the.
The dot-dot-dot (don't judge me, that's just what I call them) isn't working for me.
A B isn't bad. Well, I know the US system is different, but here, a B isn't bad at all. In fact, if I get a good B in English (and I love English) I'm happy. So what's the deal?
I hate this habit people have of putting place name comma where place is thing. It just bugs me. Especially when you've already said she lives there. Get rid of Colorado.
Right so...
II. STEREOTYPICAL GOSSIPING TEENAGERS...
Weird title I know. But here's the deal, you and I both know that you don't begin gossiping as soon as the person in question comes into the room. That's when you stop. If somebody's had a horrific experience, yeah, you talk about it and laugh and are disgusted and all, but then you think "Hey... that must have been pretty bad," you build a bridge and you get over it. People aren't always as nasty as we think they are. In fact, they're not half bad. You're one of them, I'm one of them... people don't shun others on account of gossip, no matter how bad it is. Especially not girls, because, well, we prefer to backstab. Lots more fun, right?
That was my main issue. The whole "Whispering" thing.
III. OBSESSION
She is clearly obsessed. She makes no effort in school to make friends, and apparently no effort to get over whoever it is. I'll tell you something: obsessive in love heroines annoy me. Like Bella Swan, I would like to strangle her. Now, I'm hoping yours obsession will pass... just be careful. They get irritating.
IV. OVERALL
It's quite, um... moody. But good, nonetheless.
Hope I helped!
-Stella x
Hey there!
Well, after receiving your PM, I decided to take a loot at your story.
This was brilliant! I was on the edge of my seat the entire time, waiting to see what would happen next! I'm very intrigued as to what this guy did that was so bad! Your writing style is great - you create a lot of suspense throughout the chapter, and the piece flows very nicely.
I have to say that it's not often that a story makes me want to read on as much as yours has.
I can see absolutely nothing that is wrong with this piece so far - your spelling and grammar appears to be spot on!:D
I am off to find the next chapter now and continue reading the rest!
Keep up the great work!:D
-Prospekt
Singer:
I'm glad you like it, and thanks for your comments. Actually, you're not supose dto knwo what the kids are whispering about - you'll fin dout soon enough.
Thanks for reading
And I didn't make the town up. There is a Pleasant View in Colorado.
I like the beginnning. It gets the readers attention and holds it.
I'm confused...what are they whispereing about?
I'm not sure, but I'm sensing some serious romance happened between these two?
Overall:
I really liked this. Right from the begining, you caught my attention and held it. It may take me awhile but I'll finish review this story. I liek what I'm seeing so far. It has really good potential, so keep it up.
Finally reviewing this; my semester is over and I have recovered. I've also accepted the 100 reviews in 15 days challenge from Nate, which means I'll have to review all of your stuff to get a jump start,
.
As I've said before, this is an awesome piece of writing. A past reviewer is right, it catches your attention and just draws you in. I kept thinking to myself that this was delightfully disturbing, and I think that's part of what you're going for at the beginning of this story. But, yes, you really start to wonder just what this man has done to her, and what will happen when he comes. You also get the sense that she really doesn't care about her classmates finding out because she knows that he's coming.
I know this sentence was edited before and the comma taken out, but I still think there should be a space between the words 'school' and 'kids' because it almost sounds like 'school kids.' But, the 'the' will add that space without cluttering it up with commas. Really a nitpick, that one...
I just like this sentence because it's cute. And, it really does emphasize how bad she was affected by this guy who's after her.
A real, true nitpick. The space is missing between these two sentences. And that is all.
I like how the format of this changes for that one. Like all of the questions are in italics and then she puts them in her own words, leaving room for her Italicized answer. And I'll blame the literature class I just took if I'm reading too much into this.
I like how simple this sentence is, how it incorporates the title of the book without making it into a gimmick.
I think those two sentences could be reformatted into one sentence, and that would lessen up on the comma use. But, mostly just because 'as it should have' seemed to me to need to be connected to just a little bit of the next sentence.
Perfect ending for the perfect first chapter. Can't wait to see what happens next.
Another great piece of writing, the kind of writing that just grabs you and makes you like it whether you want to or not. The kind of writing where you just can't put the book down. And now I'm off to read the next chapter and review it, because this is just that good and I want to read what happens next.
Good luck with your writing!
It's very interesting, I have to tell you that.
I take it that this is about a stalker with an obsession with this girl and she thinks that he is coming after her?
I don't see anything wrong with this, but I am not really good at leaving review. What I can tell you is that this is an interesting story and I might read a couple of more chapters.
I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Pleasant View, Colorado
“Because.” Maybe it was my expression or my tone, but no one ever asked me that same question afterwards.
I usually hate modern romances but your's has made me like them more. It wasn't cliched, it worked well xD. I enjoyed it 
I'm sure you do 
Your main character is realistic. 
November of 2002
Everyone thought they had me figured out.Fantastic opening line, so intriguing. I could almost hear their thoughts when I walked into a room… and that was because there were none. I was invisible. Just a void in the desk in the back of the room. Nobody. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I love that paragraph.:D
Of course, I was partly to blame. Even I knew that. When I was new to the school kids made an effort to be friendly. A girl had even gone so far as to invite me to a party, and a boy had written his phone number on my hand.
That was before they knew.
It was inevitable. Secrets are meant to be found out. It didn’t matter how far away my parents took me from home. It wouldn’t make a difference if they even managed to somehow erase all my memories and replace them with better ones.
When my secret was discovered—I still don’t know how—the other kids talked about me for weeks. Whenever I entered a room, hands went around mouths as the girls whispered to each other. Boys looked at me with both disgust and speculation. The one who gave me his number went so far as to tap my butt once as I walked past.
I didn’t tell Mom or Dad. What could they do? Whisk me away to another new school? I knew that this would just happen over and over again. I resolved to stick it out.
It turned out to be one of my better decisions. After a few more weeks, my classmates moved past all the gossiping about my recent past. Then I became the Void. No one knew how to talk to me. I knew they were curious—if I hadn’t put on such a resentful face, they might have asked about it.
I didn’t want friends anymore. I didn’t think I could handle it. At home I forced myself to act fine, and pretended that school was great; that life was great. Mom and Dad seemed to buy it, and the act wore me out every night. Friends would only be an added stress.
At night, I dreamt of him. The counselors were always asking me, my parents were always asking me, How do you think of him? Remember him?And the truth? The horrible, strange, disturbing truth? I didn’t know.
Did I hate him? No. Did I… love him? No. But I never could think of his beautiful, dark face without a twinge of regret. Regret for what? they would ask. Again, I didn’t know. Why not? I was asked next.
And I gave them the answer I always gave when I couldn’t or didn’t want to answer a question:Hm, maybe because should have a line of its own, seeing as it obviously plays such a huge part in this novel, it's even the title
The other kids were probably right to stay away from me as they did. I was a freak. The emotions I should have been feeling weren’t there. Emotions likeHm... I'd maybe not include the word like, if it's not in the context of a simile, metaphor etc I tend not to use it. Maybe it'd read better: Emotions; hate, fear, abhorrence? hate, fear, abhorrence. But I couldn’t sum any of it to myself. Any other girl would have been cowering in her bed at night, terrified that he would show up at her window and take her away like he’d promised. Any other girl would cry herself to sleep, want to forget and be as normal as possible.
Not me.Yay! You gave that a line of its own! You have no idea how effective that is
I thought of him often. When I dreamed of him, they weren’t nightmares. I could still remember his smell, the feel of his hard muscles beneath my hands. All this didn’t worry me, as it should have. I was the sort of person to accept circumstances as they were, and do the best with what I had.
Mom and Dad weren’t like that. I could see it in their eyes when I walked into a room: They worried. They worried too much. I tried to comfort them in small ways. I had double portions at supper, in an attempt to regain all the weight I’d lost over the past few months. I laughed at the TV when it was required, and I came home from school with a bright, happy smile pmaybe plastered would work better here?asted on my face.
After a time, I had them convinced. Mom began to relax a little more every day, and Dad finally worked full time again, as he had before all of it had happened. They started acting like parents again. Mom bugged me about wanting to meet some of my new friends, and Dad lectured me about my B in English Lit.
Life went on for them. Mom got a job at a local coffee place, and Dad bought himself a new convertible. My classmates were getting ready for the Halloween Dance, and my counselor deemed me ready to face the world alone again.
And yet life hadn’t gone on for me. It felt as if I was stuck in the same place, the same dark hole all the time. I felt as if he was always there, around me, inside me. With me. His dark eyes were permanently embedded in my mind. As life continued without me, I realized that I would never be able to forget. Perhaps I would never want to. The experience had been a strange mixture of horror and exhilaration, yes, but sometimes I found I couldn’t bring myself to think of it as wrong. Part of me had wanted to be there. Part of me had wanted to be with him. Forget the pain and the terror—with him, I felt like myself again. I felt wanted, even needed.
Was that just sick? Or was I just mentally unsound?I adore that question. It's so fitting, makes us feel sympathy for your character and understand her more. Including these questions makes your characters much more well developed
The time in Pleasant View, Colorado, seemed to crawl. Yes, that was the name of the town my parents had whisked me away to. I thought it was all because of the name. Maybe they thought a more “pleasant” atmosphere would make me forget.
But I knew the time seemed so slow not because I had nothing to do, or no one to spend the time with, but because I was waiting.
Waiting for something. And if I were completely honest with myself, I had to admit that I knew what it was. I was waiting for him. It hadn’t ended in New York. Nothing had ended. He still wanted me, and I still thought about him.
He was coming for me. I knew it. Mom and Dad may have thought that he was stuck in the past, but I knew that wasn’t the case. I could feel him plotting, planning, searching for me. And he would find me.
My family wasn’t untraceable. Dad still had a firm back home, and he kept in contact. Mom still had long phone conversations with her best friend. Though their lives went on, they hadn’t completely moved on. They still had their ties, and I was really the only thing keeping them in the tiny Colorado town they were using as my place of recovery. Though I knew we all wanted to go back home, I also knew they wouldn’t move back until I was in college and had utterly proved my stable condition. Until they thought it was all completely over and pastpassed.
But it wasn’t over—it never would be. He was coming. I didn’t know when, or how, or what was going to happen once he found me, but I sensed it.
He was coming. Effective
Plot
I'm really liking it so far
Characterization.
As I said including questions makes your characters well rounded. It works well for them. You did well with rounding your characters in this chapter. Let's hope you maintain it
Grammar.
Very good.
Description and imagery.
There's not much. Maybe if you added some it would benefit your writing. However; the parts you have done are very good
Dialogue.
There's not any yet
Overall.
I enjoyed it. It wasn't cliched and it worked well. Well done
-Kirsten xxx
I like it this way a lot better. There were still a few errors in flow and wording, but it was much better than the original draft, or at least I thought so.
There is one problem I have found with not just this chapter, but a lot of this story as a whole is that you do a lot of...telling.
Meaning, none of this is happening. It's like reading an overview of a well written journal, well written, but still...there's no action. It's okay for this section because this is the beginning, you're setting the tone, but as time goes on you have to have...action. Live action. Things have to go as they happen. This is more of an overall comment, but I still think it is important in how the rest of the piece goes. So just consider that when editing the next few chapters.
*Edited yet again*
I took your excellent suggestions into consideration, JC, and added a few of my own changes. Much thanks.
And thank you to everyone else who is following this
It looks like I can't do much in the way of grammatical critiquing, but I will say that I do like the sound of this.
I think the way she has it is right for what she was saying, Theophany.
The thing is, her character isn't going to just a new school, it's another new school. It's supposed to show just how many times she's had to transfer.
Or, at least that's how I took it to be.
hey!
one thing here is I think you should erase "another" or "new" as it shows the same idea:
whisk me away to another school?
or
whisk me away to a new school?
but all in all it's a great story, very interesting and magnetic!
anyways, keep writing!
Robyn
JC:
Thanks for your helpful review. It was kind, constructive, and was complimentary at the same time, and I haven't had one of those for a while, so thanks again.
As to Prom Night - I'm surprised how COMPLETELY different my book turned out. It's basically NOTHING like the movie. The only similarity at this point is that a teacher is obsessed with a student and that he killed someone to get to her. The rest comes purely out of my head, which I'm proud of
So THANK YOU again, and hope you like the rest.
I promised I would try to get to this:
_______________________________
A few things here: you seem to have a tendency towards unnecessary commas in your writing, which is fine as long as you can read back and notice those things. To know when a comma is needed or not, close the door to wherever you write and read it out loud to yourself; this way you can find all of those awkward syntax, diction, and punctuation errors.
Second: Watch the use of the word: had. Especially in past tense. It has a tendency to pop up from time to time and add clutter to otherwise clean and simple writing. The best solution would be to try and avoid saying it at all.
Erase= present tense
Replaced= past tense.
You get the picture.
In any case, putting the word 'more' before any adjective ending in Y just sounds odd. More beautifully, more sensuously, more curiously, etc. In 99% of these cases, it would be best to eliminate that word.
It may be hard to believe, but sometimes saying less means more. Cool, huh? So here, I personally think that this line could be much stronger without the "about it". We already know what they're whispering about, and that last part is almost too much for what you're saying.
My, my. Repetition is sneaky.
Now, this isn't bad, it's not overwhelming or anything, but despite that, it could be better. Mix up your word usage a bit and say something like: "my classmates moved on..." or "my classmates forgot about the recent scandal..."
Read this to yourself and decide if it would sound better with or without the comma. You might need to mix up the wording a bit, if that is you decide to keep it.
To me this seems like it is better fit to be a single thought, like it should be separated by, say, a semi-colon or something.
Commas, commas, everywhere in not a place to pause.
This line was beautiful. Powerful, simple, sweet. Beautiful.
___________________________________________________
Character:
At this point I'm very impressed with how developed your characters voice is. It's clean, and obvious, and unique and shines through in the writing. Very good, I can't wait to meet the rest of your characters.
Plot:
Very anticipatory thus far. My only advice would be that if you are indeed writing your own version of Prom Night [I haven't seen it, but I read that you said that], then try to avoid major events, characteristics, and plot twists that occur in the movie vs. your story. Make sure that if you make your own version of something, it is in fact your own. Since I haven't seen the movie, I can't tell you how many points your getting for originality, even though I'm loving it.
Overall:
I thought this was very, very good. Mature. Well-said. Simple in the best way.
I'll return as soon as I can for the next part, and in the meantime:
Keep up the good work.
-JC
KJ-
Intriguing. Eye Catching. And just wonderful.
This first chapter has grabbed me in and makes me want to read the next part. The emotions flow throughout the story, descriptions are well put, and the thoughts of the MC are...well, there's no word for it.
I found no problems within this chapter. And one question formed in my mind about this story, "What happened to her?" I guess I'll have to read on.
There's not a word that can describe this. -- That's a good thing.
Well, I really want to know more, so I'm off to read two.
Great job!
-Merry
*reads on*
Bravo!
It is fascinating and very well written. I love your style and manner. The main character so far is very believable and I think some people tend to try to cram too much into the first chapter. You mad it short, but not too short and there was a lot of information, but not enough so that my brain was hurting. 
I am hooked!
I'll have to go read more! *runs off*
-EDITED- There wasn't much to do, but...
*Shrugs*
This story is addicting. I had barely read the first couple of paragraphs and I was already hooked. You are most definitely a gifted writer. As far as mistakes go, I saw none that haven't already been pointed out. This piece was practically flawless.
-Venom
Hey!
Really liked this chapter. It really hooked me...got me captivated some might say...
There's nothing particularly to critique because it seems grammatically sound and stuff...nothing particularly I can sugest corrections for!
I will read the next parts though!
I loved how you didn't reveal what he had done! Can't wait to read more!
Wow, thanks you guys
I'm glad I've finally written something that everyone seems to like. I'll take the - well, very few, which is a good thing I guess - into consideration.
I don't know when Chap. 2 will be up. I mean, I've already written this up to Chap. 5, but I'm afraid to disappoint...
Anyway, thanks and keep reading
KJ,
So you whipped up another story, yes? Started reading as soon as I saw it, lol - that’s the effect your writing has on me. *grumbles. You’re evil like that, you know that?
Quote:
hands went around mouths as the girls whispered to each other about it.
Cut “the” (“boys” don’t have it, and it just looks better like that).
Quote:
I knew they wouldn’t move back until I was in college, and had utterly proved my stable condition.
No comma.
***
Er, yes, so as you see from the measly line-by-line above, you did a wonderful job. The piece was well written and flowed really good - no, really, really. Kind of a cliché way to say “Because” was fantastic, but a good and precise one, no?
Your MC is terrifyingly realistic, and her narration was - wait, wait, I’m trying to find this big, purply word for “nice” - hmm - I can’t remember it. Hmm. Nah, can’t remember. But you know what I want to say, yes?
Apart from that - just keep writing.
Cheers,
Esme
Hey KJ!!!
Gosh you're like a freakin' time-bomb. Never know when you're going to write a new story. I loved this! It was refreshing because after all this time sticking my head in my book, I needed a much deserved break. Your MC's voice is very vivid and understandable. Oh and like always you've got me thirsting for the next part. Please keep me posted! I am curious about the He, though. This guy must've did something really bad to make that much of an impression on her. Oh my gosh I just loved this so much and the title is what really caught my attention. There were no mistakes as usual. Can't wait to read more!
-Angel
This story is really good. It left me hanging on the edge of my seat. Definitely suspenseful and definitely well-written. You leave the reader in mystery and wonder and wanting to read more, which is always the best thing a writer can do.
I'll be reading more when I get the chance. Just thought I'd let you know that I thought this was really really good.
-StarDuster
Maybe we can
Hopefully I can come over!
I'll ask right when I get home!
Hope to see you soon!
Yes, that I did. I LOVED Prom Night. I wanted to write a different version, but along the same lines.
Anyway, can't wait to see you tonight! Maybe we could rent Prom Night (tee-hee)
'ello Kelsey! I see that you have another new story that I'm super excited to read about!
Hehe
I know you won't disappoint
And you definitely didn't!
Omgosh, that gave me the chills, Kels! No lie! I want to know what this guy did to her that made her such a freak? Did they find out from the news or what??
Anyway, I'm sorry I don't have a lot to critique on because you made no mistakes (as usual)
Just keep on posting these stories kels and I'll keep reading them!
Keep Writing!
((I think I know where you got this idea for this story. Prom Night, right?? lol))