Because - Chap. 20

I've read all the chapters up to this one and have had a hard time to find anything to critique. This chapter is just as good as the previous ones, however I finally feel like I have something to add that might make this chapter excellent!

She smiled[s], and it wasn’t the smile she used to direct at me[/s].

[s]I was beginning to realize what she was going to say.[/s] He’d been gone from school all week…?

There were no other people besides a woman sitting in one of the plastic chairs in a sitting room, and she was crying.

“W-What?” Did she know who I was? That my “relationship” with him was, in fact, one I myself was confused about, but had been reported on?

The woman blew a bubble and popped it, sighing, as if her job was so difficult. “I need to know your relationship with the person you want to see. He’s in restriction right now, and visitors have to be a relation or his lawyer. You one of those?” She waited.

I stood, stomach fluttering so badly that I felt as if I was going to throw up.

He looked like he hadn’t shaved in days[s]—a week, to be exact[/s]. He wore the type of orange jail suit that I’d seen in the movies.

Holding my breath in hopes I wouldn’t throw up, I followed suit.

I didn’t feel as if I was really saying them: “I’ve come to say goodbye.”

He reached out and touched the glass between us, and I imagined I could feel his fingers brushing my cheek as they once had.

Perhaps things would have turned out differently if I’d known how susceptible to insanity Will Sheldon was.

Perhaps things would have turned out differently if I'd never let him read my poetry.

“Goodbye,” I whispered again, allowing myself to reach out and touch the glass where his hand was, just once.

Little did I know that I would see him again, and in such a way that would land my brother in the hospital, a young girl in the morgue, make my parents drag me down to a tiny town in Colorado, put me in counseling, and change everything about my life in an attempt to make me forget that night.

*KJ~

(Just so you know, I might sound a little different then yesterday. Different emotions, I guess)

I knew something like this was going to happen sooner or later. I guess I was waiting for the moment when Sheldon was sent to jail. Oh, and I haven't been to a jail so I guess your descriptions let me picture what it looked like.

Brittany has an attitude. Majorly. Oh, was it Ann that told the police? I think so. And, I knew that Becca couldn't survive economics.

Goodness, I do hope Becca leaves Sheldon. It's just wrong. And, KJ. You make out like this is the end. The end paragraph, seemed like this was the end to Because. But, I will keep on reading!

Well, I have so many chapters left until I'm caught up. Seven, I think.

Super-duper job!

*Merry

P.S. Good Morning!! (For me, anyway)

*screams hysterically and collapses to floor*

Dammit. Another cliff hanger. =_=

I found another story like this over on FF.net, so I'm dissecting that one instead ;P What is it with me and inappropriate relationships? I'm beginning to scare myself *laughs* but they always happen to be the few storylines that are always well written...

I suppose you have to be quite a confident writer to do this without breaking out in a cold sweat o_o

I got lost about half way through, but I just re-read and caught on hah.

It was good in most of it's angles but I feel like it diddnt use much of a vocabulary. I dont mean pour over a Thesaurus but I really would have liked some better word usage.

Overall it was well done, I liked the small segments, helped separate the different parts into something that flowed a bit more easily.

Keep up the good work!

This was great. I think you described the jail really well, considering all jails dont look the same.
I liked the cliffhanger at the end. Although I hated that it had to end there, it gave just enough info for the next chapter, which I can't wait to read.
Besides the little grammical error Anna found, everything else looked good. As always, PM me when you write more. Good job

Hey there, KJ!

Once more, you've written an intense chapter. It makes me wonder... who reported Will? Was it a different female student, or Becca that he got in trouble for? What kind of proof did they have to land him in jail? And why the heck did Becca go see him? The whole time i was like, "No! Don't do it! You'll be Sorrrryyy!!"

Anyway, I found a nitpick:
Someone reported that he had a… inappropriate
It should be 'an' in front of 'inappropriate.' You know, trusting she has good grammar, anyway.

And just a comment for the last chapter while I'm thinking about it, if that's okay: We're learning about controlling relationships in school, and you got it just right. Will wouldn't want Becca to talk affectionately about anyone else, because he'd want to control her every move.

Great job again! Thanks for the great read!
--Anna

Hello again KJ!!


I really liked this chapter. Especially the conversation between Brittany and Becca. It just shows how real this story is and I can't wait to read the next one!

I only found two things:

The intensity he always head in his eyes would turn me into jelly, I knew, and I prepared myself to see it.

He wore the type of orange jail suit that I’d seen in the movies.