Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,463 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
Oh my oh my . <3
[size=9]VERY VERY CHEESY .
Haha this pulled me out of the normal tense , action-y feeling I get when reading your stories , the type that keep my oblivious to all errors haha .
Well , as you know , this was incredible (:
I feel so bad for James D:
*KJ~
Um, one question here. How the HECK did Sheldon get her number?!
Well, isn't James a little moody in the beginning. Haha. Anywho, I really love Becca's and James's relationship as brother and sister. I know he'll be there for her. And that's true. Because...
It's Sleepover time!!! YEAH!!! Cool. Cool.
Well, I have got to read 25. Oh wait, KJ. Before I go, doesn't James know it's Sheldon that was on the other line?
Anyway, gotta get to 25!
*Merry
Ahhhhh.......
Why? Why did you leave me with a cliff hanger? I need more....jk.
Please hurry up with the next chjapter though and PLEASE Pm when you post it so I can crack my knuckles and review it........ As for this let me get started.....
I can understand this, and it was a nice begining.
Sort of reminds me of how my cousin and I fight all the time...hehehe
I like the emotion going on here....it gives you a feel for the character....
“So how—” I started.
The phone rang.
James dived for it, fingers orange from the chips, and I snatched it before he could touch it.
“Gross!” I frowned at him. “Wash your hands before you touch anything, Jamie!” I smiled, knowing whoever was on the line could hear me.
My brother’s cheeks flamed. “Don’t call me that,” he growled. He jumped up to go wash his hands, though.
Raising my brows innocently, I pressed the phone to my ear. “Hello?” I said in a sing-song voice, expecting to hear Shelley’s voice asking for James.
“I’ll never let you go, Rebecca Chapman,” a male voice breathed.
At first I couldn’t react. I stood frozen, the phone seeming glued to my ear.
“No one will ever keep us apart,” he went on. In that moment, there was no doubt as to who it was.
I screamed, dropping the phone.
“Jeez, quit acting like a little brat, Becca,” James snarled, picking the phone up from the floor. He didn’t notice my expression. “Hey Shelley,” he said, flopping down on the couch.
Will Sheldon must have said something, because James shot up, frowning. “Who is this?”
“Tell Becca we’ll be together forever,” I heard him say. At that moment I realized I was trembling.
James realized it, too. He watched me, eyes narrow. “Who the hell is this?”
I couldn’t hear what Will said at that moment, but I’d never seen James pale so badly before. “Who is this?” he demanded again. The vein that only appeared whenever he was pissed or scared beyond normal was sticking out of his forehead, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of it.
“Look, I’m going to call the police if you—” James began. But we both heard the dial tone before he could finish.
Yeah cliff hanger there.....
OVERALL:
LOVE IT!! Keep it coming....literaslly I'm begging....jk. lol
ignore this and read the post below....
Thanks for all the helpful reviews, guys
I'm not a fan of 'overall' reviews, so I've done another of my nit-picks. Ain't I fab?
No, far too many commas here. Delete the comma after 'wednesday'.
Again; too many commas here. If you have more than say, two commas in one sentence, read it aloud and mark in where you breathe naturally. Here, the commas would be after ring and anymore. Another little niggly thing - 'anymore' is two words.
Hmm - the word 'cattily' doesn't quite fit here. I'm a big fan of inventing words for the purpose of envoking emotion (for example, Shakespeare's made up word which we now know today as 'assasinate'), but here it's as if you've just tagged 'ly' onto the end of a verb. If you can find a different way to get across her cheekiness without using this word, it'd improve this sentence quite a bit.
This is more of a personal thing, but I'm gonna tell ya anyway because you might agree. *shrugs* This brother of hers, he's still in his teens - or at least his early twenties - right? So contracting as much as you can without it turning into slang will suit his... I think it's called err, 'language register'... better. So: "So how's school these days? Your friends get over themselves yet?"
Aww, bless her little cotton socks... (it's a figure of speech)... she seems so confused here. You've gotten it across really well.
...wait, hang on. I just realised something. Were they 'together' in the first place? Did they actually have a relationship? I just thought he hugged her that one time.
Uh, I might have to go back and re-read this. Dang.
Maybe you could combine these two sentences together - they seem pretty lost and disconnected by themselves. My brother's cheeks flamed. "Don't call me that," he growled, though he jumped up to go and wash his hands anyway.
However, if you're going to leave it like that then put an and after 'go'. It sounds as if the narrator has suddenly regressed. :laugh:
I wasn't a fan of this bit. When you say someone is 'glued' to something, it means they're obsessed/fanatical about whatever they're glued to, right? Example: "glued to the TV", "glued to his magazine".
So. When you say 'glued to my ear', we instantly get the impression that she's... happy to hear from him. That isn't the case.
Is it?
Anyway; I'm pretty sure there's a better way you could describe it. Perhaps you could use the 'frozen' description from the previous clause and exploit it. Frostbite is a good example of what I'm trying to say.
I stood frozen, the phone stuck to / numb against / iced onto my face.
Anyway, I've finished now.
Personally, I reckon I could've figured out that it was him from the word go.
Again, 'little' doesn't even need to be there. In fact, you don't need to read my correction - just edit out the word little and that sentence would be fine as it is.
Same reason as the aforementioned passage.
Very nice finish; however, you're good at these so I don't need to dwell on them for too long.
Overall comments
Although not much happened in this chapter, you kept us really glued (LOL) throughout, and yes, the ending was incredible. But we'll make you big headed if we keep saying that with every chapter you write
Off to the next one~
EDIT: Hmm, this only took me an hour. Maybe I didn't go into enough detail D:
Hey KJ!
How are you? I hope your vacation went well. Wooh, it seems like I've been waiting forever for this! But let me tell you, it was sure worth it. I liked this chapter, though it wasn't my favorite. I didn't expect that Will would be on the other end! And I like James, he just seems like the kind of brother I would want to have.
Well, I don't have any nit-picks are anything. This was written well, as always, and plus I just want to go read the next chapter so...
Ta,
~Angel
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was absolutely amazing. KJ, you have to just have to write more and soon. Ya left me with a cliff hanger and as much as you rock at them they annoy me. *whines like baby* :
I only have two issues.
1. I thought Will went away for life. You said that somewhere....
2.
I just think it sounds weird hearing night twice. Maybe you should take out 'tonight' and just leave it the way it is.
That's all I gotta say!
**Mo**