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139,463 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
*KJ~
Not much I can say about this chapter. I mean, I liked it and all but I want to read 24.
So I'll make this short and sweet.
Her mom can be so drastic. Like shoving pills down Becca's throat. And her dad. I kind of like him. I don't know why, but I just do.
Okay, one question I do have is...when James was hurt by Sheldon was that in the past? If it is, then how did that happen and was that before Sheldon was sentenced to jail?
Sorry, if this was really worthless and helpless. Gotta go read 24!
*Merry
*pulls out her pastel pink, glass nibbed fountain pen again*
This sentence is cute, and reminds us that she is indeed still a student; but something's a lil' jarring about it. 'In that lawyer way'... what about, 'in that analytical way that laywers do'? It might read a little better, but I haven't got the advantage of context on my side, so...
The 'off by heart' thing is a much more personal matter - to me, when I see the words 'by heart', it makes me think of the character absorbing the information for a set date. When I see the words 'off by heart', the connotation is that the character is using the information in the current situation. Here's an example: 'by heart' = "Now, class, I'd like you to learn the words to the National Anthem for next week by heart." But 'off by heart' = "I can read it because I know the morse code signals off by heart."
...and I still don't feel like I'm making sense. I'm just gonna move on now.
Because you use 'dimly aware' as a phrase, the 'had' I've added sort of "anchors" this sentence to the rest of the story. For some reason, I'd felt as if we'd flitted briefly into the present tense (probably just me and my obsession with James Bond novels at the moment).
Changing the comma to a colon will draw more attention to the tension. Eww, unnecessary alliteration, dammit. *sigh*
If you leave out the 'instead', this sentence will be heart-breaking. She's so strong, yet so fragile at the same time... I love her to pieces.
Again, the colon would bring out the best in your writing style.
This sentence is sort of... unfinished. I'm either thinking that you should get rid of the 'before', or add 'we moved' after it. Right now, it's just floating...
Right - I was gonna say to replace the dash with a colon, but I've abused it enough already; ( <----- ) I'm leaving it.
WHEN THE HELL WAS HE IN HER HOUSE?!! *searches frantically back through all the chapters*
This would've been some seriously dramatic cliff-hanger, but the phrase 'cold sweat' should be what we are left to hang onto. Try jiggling the sentence around so it's what closes the sentence. Here's my attempt:
But when I woke up, all the sheets and bedcovers were on the floor, and I was covered with a sheen of cold sweat.
That's me done. Thanks for the dedicated PMing, too; you must be getting bored of it now. ^^
Ja -!
Hey KJ,
Okay so here it goes. I liked how the chapter started off; right in the middle of the mystery surrounding her parents. You have a way with words and I feel you've managed to make the characters come to life, so to speak. It was amazing! It scared me half to death when Becca's mom started to shove a pill down her throat.
Um.....this was just a tad confusing. Was he put away for life or five years?
Everything is racing through my head right now: When will she tell Vick? Will he accept her? Will Becca turn into a depressed zombie again? Will Will find her!?
Keep writing and more power to you!
-Moony
This is amazing. Your writing is absolutely captivatingly amazing. I've spent about an hour reading this whole story and it's got me hooked. This is the best story I've read in a loooong time, including published books. This is even better than Twilight. And I love the character Becca. Good job, my friend.
Well. That was a surprise.
Jeez, I'm getting so caught up in the story, I can't concentrate on reviewing.
I'd love to rant about how gross Mr. Sheldon is, how evil Ann is, and how stupid Becca's dad is being, but you already know all that. It feels like you're building up to something, and I can't wait for the climax!
Motherly instinct. Don't doubt it. Okay, I'm done. I couldn't find anything to fix, so I'm sorry this review isnt' helping you much. --Wait, i do have this thing, though:
Finally I couldn’t take anymore.
If it were me, I'd say "any more." Anymore seems more like "any longer," rather than "more."
I love Becca's reaction, by the way. I think it fits perfectly.
Okay, i'm really done now.
Thanks for the great read!
--Anna
Here I am again!!
I found a few nit-picks:
I felt that this whole first paragraph was choppy. You had some really worded sentences and then, at the end, everything just seemed rushed. And the short sentences can be stuck together somehow. I'm sure you can come up with something a little better.
I think: Finally I couldn't take it anymore' sounds better.
I think facial expressions would suffice.
This was nicely written. ^_^
I thought Will was put away for five years? But then you say he's been put away for life and people have escaped from prison before.
Lovely last sentences.
All in all, I liked the concept of this chapter but I don't think it was your best one. I think with a little sheen, this can be as flawless as the others but I like where this is going, so keep writing.
Ta,
~Angel