The birds of the air twitter in bliss, Reaching higher heights with their miniscule wings.
We, however are earthbound
Forbidden to explore the boundless sky
Forever made to trod this barren earth.
The sky is a promise of more, more adventures, possibilities
The land is a promise of repetition, a never ending cycle of joy turning to despair then when it is too unbearable, it transforms into the hope to fly.
You use this hope, transform it into power,
Power enough to fuel your motivation, innovation and helps you to rise above your station.
You are a special one.
Whilst many are limited by their frustrations and fears,
You soar as a dove above the trials of the world, refusing to have them weigh you down,
Refusing to be like the rest.
Your fights happen below the surface, their subterranean repercussions never to be seen by those whom you care for.
Wings are more than just a metaphor, they are a symbol.
A symbol of your ever rising confidence, happiness and care,
That you selflessly impart to those around you.
Wings signify determination, the mindset of quitting quitting, of never settling for the average.
Wings signify beauty, in that of the soul.
Always trying to help a stubborn fool even though he always refuses.
Now I realize that a correction needs to be made.
For it is not "we" who are forever cursed to repeat the cycle of boredom, never reaching the sky.
It is instead I and all who fall into the category in which I lie,
Who will have to watch solemnly as you soar through the sky.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,196 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hey Jevan13, I see you still have some of your work in the green room, so I hope you don't mind that I'll be reviewing another one of your poems today. As you know, I'm already a fairly big fan of your work. Onto the review, and as usual, feel free to disregard any of my comments or suggestions.
Overall Opinion: Yet another beautifully written poem. This time, dedicated to someone the writer holds dear. The poem seems to emphasize the difference between land, which is viewed as a negative, and the sky, which is viewed as a positive. the person the writer holds dear seems to be the one who soars in the sky as the writer is left to watch them from the land. They are happy, though.
My Suggestion:
I'm certain you intended this, "quitting, quitting", however I'm not sure it helps with the flow at all. Purely my opinion, but the repetition of the same word side by side, even if intended, doesn't do the rhythm justice.
What I Liked: The use of the symbolism, "Wings" and the emphasis on land vs. sky. I really love that you utilized this symbolism to put this person you hold dear in such a position of worthy praise. Very well-written poem, yet again. Great job!
I look forward to reading more of your work soon,
Keep writing,
-Katja
Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked the poem. Just some clarification: I did mean "quitting quitting", it's basically saying "ceasing quitting". But I get why you probably thought it otherwise.
Hi Jevan! I see you joined recently, so before I get on with this review, welcome to YWS! I hope you're liking it here so far.
You've chosen a cool topic to explore with this poem - a kind of celebration of someone special, who stands out from the mundanity of the crowd. And I like the wings/flying/sky metaphor you're using to do that - it comes across very clearly.
However, I do have a couple of suggestions for ways you could improve this piece.
Firstly, the big thing: I feel like this one is a little bit sprawling, and when I read it, the rhythm and flow feels a bit obscured. As an exercise, you could try going through it with a really close focus on the rhythm of each line - I find reading it aloud and emphasising the stresses of the words often helps with this. Try paring each line down to its most concise form.
The other thing I picked up is with the following line:
I totally get what you're going for with this - the special person the poem is about doesn't go in for big, glorious displays of their struggles, but instead keeps them covered. However, this felt like a bit of a switch of metaphor - the rest of the poem is very much set between land and sky, with the special person firmly in the sky, and then there's this bit about underground, which doesn't quite fit. Is there another way you could get across the idea of this bit?
I hope this review is helpful in some way. I look forward to seeing you around the site!
Cadi x
Thank you so much for your suggestions! I understand the flaws you picked up and I will try my best to fix all of them in short time.