z

Young Writers Society



When Spring blossoms bloom

by Jevan13


We know summer for its scorching heat,

Autumn for the gentle breeze,
Winter for its beautiful snow,
Spring however, we know for the blossoms,
The budding of new life, continued survival, is a beautiful thing to see indeed.

When Spring blossoms bloom, I see you, in all your elegance, a competent rival for the beauty of flowers.
Every flower petitions for a reason to be with you but only so much can succeed and go so far.
I reach out longingly, wishing to be with the lucky few, but I falter, doubt dragging me under its murky depths.
You pull me out before I even know what was happening, taking me into your embrace as though a dear friend.
You are careful, you don't crush my petals, carrying me in your cupped palms with the care of a mother to their child.
I have gotten to where I always wanted, yet I still sought to get to the top.

When you smile, spring blossoms break out in dance,
Twirling open and swaying to the music of the air,
The mystery of your voice spurring them on.
I'm a spring blossom so I know how it felt.
It felt...it felt...like your petals were filled with untamed power, desire, and you can't help but bring yourself closer to the source of such purity.
As I attempted to break barriers, I lost my petals, one by one, shriveling to the point of nigh death, until your sweet aroma breathes life into my drooping petals.
To you I shall pose my question fair maiden,
Will you be the one, to breathe life back into my petals for today and evermore?

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
275 Reviews

Points: 15319
Reviews: 275

Donate
Sun May 27, 2018 11:38 pm
elysian wrote a review...



Hello, happy review day! I don't review poetry often, but in the spirit of review day, here I go! I apologize if I'm wrong on anything :p

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

the formatting of this poem is interesting. If you are going for something more structured, I would suggest going back through and making more distinct stanzas, if not, then keeping it as it is is just fine.

I think this is an interesting idea, and I admire how you use the flowers as a metaphor for yourself, but I feel disconnected from the narrator. Maybe add more personal details to make me care more?

It felt...it felt...like your petals were filled with untamed power, desire, and you can't help but bring yourself closer to the source of such purity.


I felt like the repetition of "it felt" doesn't make much sense here. If you feel it is necessary, go ahead and keep it! But if not, I would just cut it out because it kind of interrupts the flow a bit.

I'm wondering if instead of adding another flower, maybe make this new love water or sun or something that is beneficial to flowers? that might drive your point home a little better :-)

overall, good job! I think this was a lovely metaphor <3

hope I helped in some way :-)

- Del




User avatar
32 Reviews

Points: 2960
Reviews: 32

Donate
Tue May 15, 2018 5:42 am
SnowGhost says...



Very lovely piece. :)




Jevan13 says...


Why, thank you.



User avatar
15 Reviews

Points: 59
Reviews: 15

Donate
Tue May 15, 2018 2:38 am
View Likes
Banana25 wrote a review...



Wow! This is incredible! To me it seems like there is a beautiful spirit, gentle and kind, who breathes her life into all the plants. Your vocabulary is very good too. This poem conveyed a clear and beautiful image of spring. I think this really captures the longing for spring and the warmth and loveliness we want to shine on us.

"You are careful, you don't crush my petals, carrying me in your cupped palms with the care of a mother to their child."

I love this line because it just paints a beautiful picture of the gentleness of spring.

"Every flower petitions for a reason to be with you but only so much can succeed and go so far."
This is just a suggestion but you could change "much" to "many". I just think it flows better.

This is so amazing and I urge you to keep writing like this!

-Banana25




Jevan13 says...


Thank you so much for reading my poem and finding the time to review it. Your words fill me with joy and I shall do my best to put forth more poems of this quality of greater. Also I will fix that error, admittedly I have some trouble remembering that much is for infinite amounts and many for finite values. Thanks once again.




You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer