A lone orchid sways in the ever gentle breeze, its lonely purple petals drooping under the harsh glare of the sun.
It despairs, awaiting the day that it finally shrivels into a dry piece of straw.
The lush green grass around it mutter condolences and wish it the best,
But it knows that they won't ever actually stop to help.
Soon, it says, I will fade, and my essence will dissipate into the blackness.
Then abruptly, another orchid bursts forth from Mother Earth's womb.
It radiates beauty and stood poised for greatness, and the once lone orchid drew close.
The new orchid was clothed in joy, with robes of confidence.
Just seeing how gracefully this new orchid swayed in the wind,
Gently bending it's stalk, made the loner stand upright.
Another orchid then springs from the ground, then another and another, until there is a small patch of orchids shielding the first orchid from the sun's glare.
Looking down on the orchids is a bird, resting sadly in its nest.
Its auburn feathers left ruffled from the last encounter it had with a fellow bird.
Its mom was long gone and its brothers and sisters had all flown off,
Leaving it as the only fledgling.
It looks down to the orchid patch once more, taking note of how the once lone orchid was now popular.
A hawk screeched in the distance and it recoiled in fear as it knew that it had been spotted.
The hawk swooped down at the defenseless bird, claws ready for the kill.
Just as the little bird had given up all hope, its family flew in, pecking at the hawk in unison.
The hawk, terrified, flew off screeching in pain.
The little bird looked up at its family, its pained heart now healed, and for the first time, stretched its wings and flew.
We stand on our deck, watching the wonders of nature,
Seeing how none can survive by themselves for too long.
We were meant to have help from friends, they make us stronger, they make us better.
As I bid farewell to some dear friends,
I just want them to know,
You shall forever be in my heart, unforgettable, incessantly present, your influence will forever build me into the great man of tomorrow.
So for now, I bid you a sad farewell until I see you again.
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Canary word: Present
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140,196 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
I didn't see this poem till today and awwwwwwww <3 z;)
Hello my friend Jevan13. Lives4Christ24 is here again for another review.
I hope I don't offend anyone, my goal is simply to give other writers constructive criticism.
First off, I find it cool how you lines are long, usually poetry has shorter lines, but you are taking poetry in a unique direstion, but some lines be made into two or three lines and might help the flow of the poem.
This line for example:
We were meant to have help from friends, they make us stronger, they make us better.
This could be three lines:
We were meant to have help from friends,
They make us stronger,
They make us better.
I love the message of how life is better with friends. I hope to see more of you work in the future.
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem about how important it is for us to support one another in order to enhance our chances to succeed in life. The poem illustrates this very nicely via the example of the orchard who was temporarily isolated as well as via the bird who survived the same situation with the help of others. I like the way that the conclusion summarizes this point. Also the heartfelt appreciation in that conclusion was really moving.
The capitalizing of every new line’s first letter confused me and forced me to stop and backtrack for clarification of meaning.
Word repetition
Orchid = 10 times.
The pronouns “it” “them” “they” “its” “their” “one” “another” “other” can be used to reduce the number of times the word is repeated.
Subject verb numerical discrepancy:
The lush green grass around it mutter . . . .
[The lush, green grass around it mutters . . . .]
the ever gentle breeze,
the ever-gentle breeze,
Soon, it says, I will fade, and my essence will dissipate into the blackness.
[“Soon,” it says, “I will fade, and my essence will dissipate into the blackness.”]
Present and past tenses
It radiates beauty and stood poised . . . .
[It radiates beauty and stands poised . . . .]
[It radiated beauty and stood poised . . . .]
The poem keeps jumping from past to present examples:
on the orchids is a bird, = present
as it knew = past
A lone orchid sways = present
The new orchid was = past
orchid then springs = present
Its mom was = past
It despairs, = present
A hawk screeched = past
It looks down = present
made the loner = past
flew off screeching = past
But it knows = present
stretched its wings = past
bursts = present
stood = past