Release Me!!

Very vivid and gripping poem. I must congratulate you on your ability to eloquently and vibrantly express such raw emotion. That being said, here are a couple ways to improve it:

1. Poems are not usually written in paragraphs-so I suggest breaking the text up at your convenience. It helps distribute everything evenly and makes it a bit more readable as a poem-as a stack of lines, not a cluster of paragraphs. Also, when you separate it into lines, you are given more options on how to express yourself with the shape and rhythm of the words.
2. The statement "" Please!! Help Me!! Me! Save me from this burden!!" doesn't need quite so many exclamation points. The volume can be expressed in other ways.

Hope this helps!

-Quinine

Wow! Nice!

Hey there Jevan13,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review...

I feel worthless, and about this I won't lie, [For rhythmic purposes, I would cut this sentence off here and let the rest also become its own piece.] I don't believe that I deserve all that I have been bestowed [<- maybe it's just me but this word doesn't really seem to fit this line. It just seems like an odd choice. Maybe you could play around with language a bit here.] with. I have failed so many times in areas that my fellow man has easily conquered, proving my lack of worth. I cannot interact with those around me without struggle [I might be wrong but I think you should place a comma here.] and I don't find that people particularly want to be around me. I have no purpose in life anymore, [I would cut the sentence here.] I feel that I've lost my way, [You could get rid of this comma here.] ever since I left my home, I feel alone.

Ok, so honestly that wasn't the most interesting of starts. It seemed rather bland and cliché and something that a lot of people have written about but with your own way of beating around that bush. I'm not saying that I hate it, I would just like to see something a little more original. Use your words to invoke in the reader that sense of worthlessness that your character is telling us that they feel.


What do I mean ever since I left? [Mm... I don't like the question. It sounds, and it's written as if the reader has asked a question and while that may work sometimes, it just feels very off putting here and out of place. If you want to keep it then I would suggest adding something like "What do you mean 'ever since I left' you might add" or something along those lines... but better.] I have always been alone, twice in life have I found someone willing to share the burden of loneliness with me and twice they have been ripped away. [I mean, technically, if your character has found someone twice then they haven't really "always been alone"] I find myself in that same position again, alone, weak, desperate for help, for mutual compassion, not the one sided love I give to everyone.[Maybe you could elaborate on this a little bit?] My family thinks me I'm strong, they think me I'm valorous, they think me I'm reliable, smart, impenetrable. But I'm not!!! I'm tough on the outside it may seem, [I'm pretty sure you can get rid of this comma, but don't take my word for it.] but my heart, my mind, they're fragile and I can't bear all the burden any longer.


Again, this paragraph seemed rather bland. Your sentences are very simple and boring and they're not really eye catching or engaging. I'd suggest you work on word choice and sentence structure to spice it up a bit. Give us something to really sink our teeth into.

I feel myself breaking, [Again, this is a good place to stop a line.] I'm slipping, my hands are bloody, raw, [<-replace this comma with an 'and'] tender, the rope of life and ripped away the soft layers of protection I had against the cruelty of society. I wail and sob in pain, the world turns deaf ears to my plight. My hands tremble and my body shudders with every choked sob. I press my hands onto my face, the tears burning in my wounds, etching more pain into my mind. Blood leaks from closed wounds, pain emanates from inside of me, from my broken soul, my shattered will, and from the outside, my bleeding palms, my torn muscles, my fractured cranium. I'm barely alive, hardly being sustained.

So I did something kind of "risqué" and I cut the entire ending of that writing. However I did it for a reason beyond just being a 'B.' Let me explain. First of all I like the image your trying to create here. In fact, I think that it could potentially be a strong scene/moment in your piece. Yet it seemed to lack the kind of sophistication and punch that would truly hit your reader. Now I'm aware that other people may read it and feel something that I didn't but from my point of view, it seems like this section just needs a little cleaning up. For one, it's really repetitive without being super repetitive (if that makes sense.) You're ideas just seem really jumbled and they all kind of loop back into what's already been said. My suggestion for this section would be to work on the word flow and play around with ideas and different images, that way you're not stuck with the same boring ideas that everyone's read before.

" Please!! Help Me!! Me! Save me from this burden!!" [Couple things here. (1) I would cut back a bit on the exclamation marks. I get that they can be a stylistic choice, but there is a point where it becomes too much. (2) I would also add something after the dialogue tags to let the reader know that your character is actually calling out for help in real time. The reason I say this is because it did take me a minute to realize that your character's pleas weren't apart of their inner dialogue.] Nobody comes to my aid, [you can get rid of this comma] and I fall to the floor, agonizing pain wracking my being, causing me to convulse, spasm out of control. Rain then begins to pour, lightning bolts shred the skyscape and Lie [<-this word should be lowercased] in a pool of bloody water, gazing upwards and awaiting death to release me from the suffering. A bolt strikes my body and the water amplifies the effect, my entire being is rattled, my skin strips away, my blood boils, but I still receive no release.

So the ending of this piece feels just like the beginning; boring and cliché. You do have some good potential to write something truly captivating but right now it's rather bland.

Hi there Jevan13, I am here to do a review on your work, so I can say that this is a good length for a poem, I don't believe that I deserve all that I have been bestowed with, I think that this needs something else at the end of this, like you could say it like this, I don't believe that I deserve all that I have been bestowed with all these post years, see I am not Chanchiang eney thing I am adding to it, I cannot interact with those around me without struggle and I don't find that people particularly want to be around me, see this sentes needs a comer some were, it is just to long for me you see, ever since I left my home, so you mean to tell me that he is and adult then, okay, I thort that he was just a stubborn child, that had just bean notary, What do I mean ever since I left, I have always been alone, now you sound like he never had a mother or a father, it seems like he is an or fen, My family thinks me strong, they think me valorous, they think me reliable, smart, impenetrable, okay now you just lost me a bit, I feel like you are not really explaining you self much at all, But I'm not!!! I'm tough on the outside it may seem, but my heart, my mind, they're fragile and I can't bear all the burden any longer, well I thort that his, family would no this form being around him, my hands are bloody, why is his hands bloody did he get in to a fight, our something, did he do it on preppies, it is best to make your self a bit more well non about it, Nobody comes to my aid, I think that aid is the rong word for this, so you should right it like this, Nobody comes to my save, so tell me what you think of that, gazing upwards and awaiting death to release me from the suffering, so if he no that he was not good then why didn’t he try to in prove, himself so that he was better then now, so that is all that I can sea about this, so other then that it was good, keap up on the good work, Waning this was long an of, it is good an of to be a short story,

From @MoonFlower